A Chilean doctor heads into a waiting room filled with Instagram influencers and fashion bloggers. “I’m sorry. I did all I could but … I just can’t save him.” A woman who is named either Victoria or something ending in Y rushes to the doctor. “Please. We can’t … He can’t … He doesn’t know my heart yet!” The doctor pulls his blood-stained face mask off and puts his head in his hands. “He just … doesn’t see any of you as his wife.” The waiting room bursts into tears. The doctor rips off his gloves. “Can I walk you out?”
Friends. It’s worse than we thought. Let’s just break down the multiple reasons that this is so fucked up. Where is the great love story this season? We’re probably about halfway through and I don’t feel like Peter is into anyone for any reason other than they are a human woman near him. I’m not exactly sure what Peter wants. What type of woman is he looking for? He wants someone who is willing to give more than they receive and who has been in love before. That seems to be it. It’s just a bonus if they’re a model for an Amazon third-party seller. I wish this utter lack of standards was Peter’s only problem.
Not only is Peter a coward who is incapable of making a decision that would be considered even the slightest bit unpopular and has no standards for choosing his partner, but he seems completely and totally devoid of any willingness or ability to do the work that’s required in a relationship. Actually, what might be worse is he thinks he’s doing the work for these relationships to succeed. Listen, dating upwards of 20 women is definitely not the best way to start a relationship, but now that we’re working our way toward single digits, Peter’s gauge of someone putting in the work and how his own effort is being received is completely off. Peter looked at Victoria F. multiple times in this episode and felt like she was being genuine and forthcoming with him.
Peter’s basic strategy is to sit across from a ladytestant, describe them in vague terms, and just bark at them, “ARE YOU READY?” If you pumped in some Jock Jams underneath the episode, Peter could be a very good WNBA announcer. “SHE’S FUN TO BE AROUND, NEVER BEEN IN LOVE, AND DOESN’T WANT TO SWIM WITH THE MINNOWS. HANNAH ANN, ARE YOU READY?” Very good for welcoming Sheryl Swoopes to the court, not so great for finding his wife.
Let’s get to it.
The episode starts and we’ve been teleported to Santiago, Chile. In addition to production making a list of situations where it’s appropriate for these women to beat each other physically for group-date options, they’ve made a list of locations where Peter can show off his Spanish skills. He’s ready to let the mountain air flow over his scar and for a drama-free week. Oh, you sweet little dumdum. You will never be free from the drama. The drama is a part of you.
The ladies are having a very tense drink outside, and for some reason, Tammy and Mykenna are now the enemies of the house. The show would have us believe that this is America’s deepest and most passionate rivalry. Move over Oklahoma and Texas, make room for Tammy and Mykenna! Victoria F. decides to chime in and calls Mykenna a sad, wet dog on the side of the road. Victoria F. is able to assert dominance among other women but when she’s around Peter, she turns into leg-having Ariel from The Little Mermaid.
Peter arrives and is taking Hannah Ann on a date. He’s really excited about her and they joke around in the way that only very beautiful people do: mild sarcasm about something sincere for way too long. As the telenovelas show later in the episode, literally no one’s strong suit is comedy.
Hannah Ann gets the traditional “stroll around the city” date except that Peter decides to SHOVE A HOT DOG COVERED IN MUSTARD IN HER FACE. Playfully shoving something with whipped cream in someone’s face could be cute. Bopping a little dot of chocolate mousse on someone’s nose and seductively licking it off is a fantasy I regularly have about Chris Evans in nothing but one of those linen Bon Appétit aprons. But shoving an entire hot dog with mayo, mustard, and ketchup in someone’s face is completely unreasonable and not sexy at all. Imagine the smell of mustard up your nose while you’re trying to be romantic with your boyfriend. Imagine having mayo in your eyelashes as your boyfriend tries to kiss you. This is romantic-comedy terrorism and it will not stand.
Peter’s main issue with Hannah is that someone told him she’s 23 and that’s about it. It doesn’t seem like he’s ever had a conversation with her before, because he doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life, if she’s had past relationships, or if she only speaks in Instagram quotes about the shallows of life. They sit down for the night portion of their date and Hannah Ann knows she’s ready to commit to Peter because of his qualities. What qualities? Pilot. Peter gets frustrated because Hannah Ann’s answers are too perfect and he excuses himself from the table. Hannah Ann starts crying and goes to see him. This immediately solves whatever emotional quandaries were in Peter’s mind. Has anyone investigated if he just thinks women crying is the sign that you’re really “working through something” in your relationship? Because I recently cried because I saw a video about a gopher eating veggies and my boyfriend was worried about my emotional well-being. That was not a pivotal moment in our relationship. It takes more than just tears, Peter. Peter rewards her for expressing a feminine emotion by giving her a rose.
It’s time for the group date card to arrive and, oh shit, there’s another date card. Sydney, Natasha, Kelsey, Victoria P., Madison, Tammy, Kelley, and Mykenna are all on the group date. They read the second date card and Victoria F. is getting another one-on-one date because “we didn’t get a fair shot.” PETER. Whatever you’re doing, please don’t be like this. This is clear favoritism. Peter could take one of these women on a one-on-one date and get their awkward date footage between him and Natasha or Tammy, but instead he’s choosing to go on another date with Victoria F. just because her ex-boyfriend and alleged country star showed up.
It’s time for the group date! They should have gone full America’s Next Top Model and had the ladytestants do the telenovela completely in Spanish off cue cards with their lines written phonetically. Instead, The Bachelor is afraid of a viral moment. Peter tells us that he used to watch telenovelas with his grandma and that’s how he learned Spanish. The content of the telenovelas is essentially useless except for the psychological torture inflicted on Mykenna. And Kelley saying “Incest is best.” The other form of humor that hot people can execute is “reciting T-shirts they saw at Spencer’s Gifts in 2009.”
It’s time for the cocktail party. Everyone realizes this might be the only chance they’ll get to talk to Peter, so it’s time to ask Peter about where their relationship stands. Kelsey’s conversation with Peter isn’t so bad, as he categorizes the beginning of their relationship as heavy. They’ve already overcome so much to be together when he’s not with 12 other women. Maybe this is why Peter is so incapable of putting in the appropriate work in these relationships, because someone taking a Champagne bottle from the girl you’re dating counts as a major struggle to overcome in a relationship.
Victoria P. decides to attempt to navigate this conversation, and instead of returning any of her feelings or merely being cool for 18 goddamned seconds, Peter looks her in the eye and tells her that he can’t see her as his wife. Then Peter can’t fathom that Victoria P. would want to get as far away from him as possible. Maybe he should have found a more sensitive way to express that sentiment to avoid Victoria P.’s exact reaction, which is, “Can I get a cab?” This bitch is willing to pay her own fare to the airport to get out of here.
After Peter walks Victoria P. out and tells the ladytestants that she wasn’t good enough and had to be eliminated, Mykenna and Tammy start going after each other. Mykenna made the fatal mistake of enjoying her day and Tammy is fucking pissed. Tammy says Mykenna lives in a fantasy world and is only on the show to build her brand. Tammy loves to tell someone to “shut the fuck up.” Peter and Madison can hear them over the sounds of their making out. Madison gets the group-date rose.
It’s time for Victoria F.’s one-on-one date. Victoria F. has figured out this method of talking to men where she’s confused and conflicted and the guy swoops in to save her. It’s probably worked for her thus far. Unfortunately, she picked the wrong motherfucker to try this one because the first sign of actual relationship uncertainty, Peter starts suggesting that Victoria could just leave. They have arrived at a romantic impasse. But what is Peter fighting for? Victoria F. has all the charisma of a mid-tier Bath & Body Works candle, and this bitch is a Sun-Ripened Raspberry trying to pass herself off as a Cucumber Melon.
When Peter asks her to provide literally any details about her emotions or feelings or state of mind, she rushes away from the table. At one point she says that she has issues and she wishes there was some way for her to deal with them.
THERAPY. THERAPY, BITCH.
Peter says that he’s dealing with her issues now and he’s not going to stop. Oh. Oh, no. Please everyone hit your ejector seats on this relationship. Victoria F. gets the rose.
Back at the hotel suite, the ladies are all sitting around trying to psych themselves up for the cocktail party when another date card arrives. It’s for Mykenna and Tammy. It’s a two-on-one in name only. It’s happening before the cocktail party and there’s no rose on the table when they arrive. The date card also says “enough is enough,” as if this Mykenna and Tammy feud has been happening all season. And really … the problem is Tammy. Mykenna is just any vaguely Christian fashion blogger, which is the Bachelor equivalent of a Red Shirt. Tammy is one of the purest Bachelor villains in a while. She’s definitely worn out her welcome and the writing is on the wall.
Tammy and Mykenna sit in silence and periodically launch into full monologues about the other person’s flaws. My favorite is when, in the middle of a tirade of Pinterest inspirational quotes, Mykenna says, “You made me found my damn voice.” Someone please, cross-stitch that onto a pillow for me.
Peter sits down with each woman and Tammy tells him that Mykenna has been calling it “The Mykenna Show” and Mykenna is trying to get her own hashtags started. Considering we didn’t get any Mykenna screen time until like two weeks ago, Tammy’s case is pretty thin. They both tell Peter that they deserve a chance at love and they’re not done fighting for what they want: a thriving Instagram Live presence. Peter finally tells Mykenna that he can trust her, so Tammy is out.
It’s finally time for a cocktail party. Peter sides down with everyone … including Victoria F., who already has a rose. My God. He’s so bad at this.
In the end, Kelsey, Kelley, and Natasha, a woman that I’ve never seen him kiss or experience any chemistry with, get roses. Sydney is pretty pissed because she came with all her walls down and her heart open. Mykenna has a full on meltdown and we’re all left wondering why he didn’t just send her home with Tammy. The only explanation is Peter feeds off her pain.
See you all next week for one episode in Lima, Peru!