As this episode starts the Vanderpump Rules kids (original recipe) are in Miami still in the middle of fighting about whether Kristen belongs with Carter, even though we all know the answer is no. I bring this up only for two reasons. The first is that Kristen says to Katie, “I was always there for you when Tom was cheating on you all the time” and we got a flashback of Kristen, Katie, and Tom talking about cheating. Guys, did we realize at the time how awful Katie’s Monica Geller haircut was? I mean, the volume on that thing is enough to drown out a jet engine.
Secondly, as the fight continues and Katie and Stassi continue spitting venom at Kristen, Brittany calls it off because it is her special day. Well, it is one in a string of her special days that will end immediately after her honeymoon when she realizes that she will forever be married to Jax Taylor and “special” is pretty much over forever. Brittany says of the fight, “That got negative very fastly,” and that, right there, is the reason that I can never hate Brittany even though she makes worse decisions than post-9/11 Rudy Giuliani.
The girls then leave dinner and go to E11even, a strip club that features only female dancers, where they are going to meet the guys. I know that Lala and Adriana were very happy to be all around those bulbous racks and posteriors, but do straight girls really have fun at lady strip clubs? Is this just them buying into the patriarchy and pretending to be cool with strippers just to make their guys happy? I mean, I love strippers too, but after an hour at a lady strip club, I just want to go to 7-Eleven and get some Chex Mix and sit on the couch and watch Schitt’s Creek on Netflix.
Anyway, the guys show up at the strip club, but they are not dressed as Jax, Tom, Tom, and Beau. Instead they have Hollywood-grade old man prosthetics applied and show up as Hal, Maurice, Nico, and Luke (who “loves shoes”). Sandoval says that because they dressed in drag for Schwartz’s bachelor party, they have to dress as something for Jax’s, so they take a page right out of my husband’s favorite movie, Jackass, and go as gross, greasy old dudes.
I appreciate their effort and ingenuity, but much like getting into drag, most of the fun is in the preparation with your friends. Once trapped in that latex headpiece it can’t have been any fun for the guys. Just look at the next morning, when they’re waiting to have it taken off by the professionals (apparently they couldn’t do it themselves, even though Beau managed to) and Jax is literally peeling his face off with a butter knife. The only thing worse than passing out in your makeup after a night out is passing out in your makeup after a night out and your makeup is some rat pubes and dangling old earlobes attached to your skull and you can’t scratch it off.
At the strip club, Schwartz takes Katie into one of the VIP rooms and pulls down his pants to show that he is wearing saggy grandpa undies and, well, I was supposed to be grossed out, but that is the closest we’ve ever gotten to Schwartz’s semi-functional package, and call me UPS but I would take delivery on that any day. The reason why Katie pulled him aside is to tell him that Ariana told her that Sandoval said that he was the problem at Stassi’s book launch. (Oh, how I have missed stupid story devices such as this.) Katie says, “I don’t want to get involved in your business, but I wouldn’t stand for this.” Okay, that is pretty involved.
Once they’ve left the club, Schwartz goes to talk to Sandoval, but they’re both still in geezer drag (which is also the name of my Sonic Youth cover band) so it’s hard to take any part of this conversation seriously. Schwartz tries to tell Sandoval that his “rage texts” (still not a thing) were messed up and Sandoval says, “I’m sorry, but…”
We then get a montage of Sandoval saying, “I’m sorry, but…” over the years. Guys, who are the editors on the show and why are we not giving them a People’s Choice Award and every single one of our firstborns? I want to know if there’s some way they just control+F-ed “Sandoval, I’m sorry, but…” or if there is someone with such encyclopedic knowledge of every bit of footage ever recorded on this show that s/he just went, “Okay, he said it in this episode, this episode, this episode” and then just compiled that segment from memory. Either way, this is the brilliance we are watching for.
Like in all of those instances, Schwartz says that Sandoval is only apologizing so that he can say why he’s actually right. That is exactly what he is doing. He first says, “You fucked up and I fucked up. We both fucked up.” When Schwartz stands his ground, which is rare, Sandoval finally says, “Okay, I was 100 percent wrong,” which is what anyone viewing this situation, and it is millions of us, have been saying all along. That is what Schwartz wanted to hear, and they hug and rub their latex face masks together and it’s a bit like Mission: Impossible slash fiction.
This trip is all about making up. The next day, when half the crew is at the beach, Kristen is by the pool talking to Scheana, saying, “Katie has basically disowned me and Stassi hates me.” Kristen should change the name of her clothing line from Jackson & Mane or whatever the fuck it’s called to Melodrama & Hyperbole. That’s all that she’s ever serving, even back when she was actually serving goat cheese balls at SUR.
That night they go to a club again. This one is Hyde. It’s like The Hills all over again. Is there still a Les Deux in Miami too? Brittany has on yet another sash and yet another tiara. What was the sash and tiara budget for this trip? If they had cut it down to only one each there might have been enough in the production budget so that Scheana could have her own room and wouldn’t have to watch the utter indignity of Peter straightening his ill-advised Tarzan hair. (Also, why didn’t Peter get to be an old man? Where was he? Was he doing some Pirates of the Caribbean cosplay at Universal Studios Orlando?)
Anyway, at the club, Kristen and Stassi make up and Stassi says, “You’ll always be one of my best friends,” and it is one of those promises you make that you don’t mean but the other person thinks you do, and one day when Stassi is richer and more famous than Kristen and Kristen is lurking in her bushes with a knife as big as James Kennedy’s ego she’ll shout, “You said you would always be one of my best friends,” right before she murders her and gets her very own E! True Hollywood Story.
Back at home in Beverly Hills we’re dealing with the Vanderpump Rules kids (extra crispy) Max and Dayna and Danica and, ugh. It’s like these new people are in the Worst Olympics and they’re all simultaneously winning gold in the team competition, the individual competitions, and the all-around. Danica finds out that she is going to be the only manager on duty during Pride, one of the busiest days of the year at SUR, and says something like, “I just graduated from college a month ago and you’re going to trust me to manage your restaurant?” First of all, it’s just one day at a restaurant. I’m sure the enterprise will be fine. Also, shouldn’t she be confident enough in her job and her skills that she should know she should do it? It’s like saying, “I’m stupid and bad at my job, but you hired me so, it’s on you.”
Danica also pulls Dayna aside and tells her the parable of her friend Adriana, who was having a relationship with Max and then, at her 30th birthday party, Max went home with her best friend. I mean, that’s what you get for turning 30 in L.A., where most guys would rather put their dicks in a poké bowl than someone over 30. Just wait, Lala!
When Dayna tells Max about this, he says, “I have never done anything to any of these people.” Would you say having sex with a bunch of them, telling them that you had feelings for them, and then disappearing like a line of cocaine in Dorit’s bathroom is doing nothing to them? Maybe that’s why none of them like you? Dayna is not buying it and believes Max when he says it didn’t happen, but, come on. Then what did happen? Is this another case of a girl thinking they were a lot more serious than he did? Hm. I wonder where they got that impression?
He comes back by saying that they’re just SURvers and he is the “general manager at Tom Tom. I could tell them they can’t come to my bar if they want to be petty.” Girl, there are other bars in Los Angeles. There are other (and better) bars on the very same block. I’m sure that they will be fine. Also, maybe he should try going into some of those bars and fucking some of their waitresses. If he’s going to play the field, at least spread them out a little bit so they can’t conspire behind his back.
Back in Miami, as everyone else is making up at Hyde and dancing with the giant Brittany and Jax heads that the bottle service girls brought out, Sandoval pulls Schwartz into the men’s room and they crowd into a cubicle together. “I have something for you,” Sandoval says. He pulls his sagging grandpa underwear out of his pocket and holds them under Schwartz’s nose. He takes a big inhale and smiles, but Sandoval isn’t done. With his index finger he pushes them inside Schwartz’s mouth, who opens wide. Sandoval spins him around and smashes his face against the cubicle wall, standing with his entire body pressed against Schwartz’s. “We’re gonna need those so that no one hears you scream when I give you your next present.”