Between all the scheming and partying and murder and sex on Netflix’s Elite, the teens of Las Encinas have very little time for actual high school. Sure, they might randomly talk about exams and scholarships and college — in season three, our little birds even leave the nest after graduation (okay, some of the little birds have to return to the nest for one more year because they get expelled on the last day of class) — but it seems unfair that they don’t get to participate in typical senior year traditions.
To remedy that mistake, we’re bestowing Elite’s graduating class with their very own yearbook superlatives. Who’s Most Likely to Succeed? Or Most Likely to Accidentally Murder? Read on to find out. Should you be unhappy with the results, please take it up with the Las Encinas Yearbook Committee.
Most Likely to Succeed: Lu
Nothing is going to stop Lu. Not accidentally shoving a broken Champagne bottle in someone’s chest, not being exposed for sleeping with her brother, not even that inevitable day in the future when headbands go out of style (blasphemy, I know). Lu lives every day like it’s the Hunger Games. She legit befriended the girl whose sex tape she spread around school, and then convinced her to give up half of her scholarship to Columbia. Lu. Gets. Things. Done. Whatever she wants to achieve, she will. Now, that’s my bitch.
Best Dressed: Carla
For most of season three, the race for this superlative was a four-way dead heat between Carla, Lu, Rebe, and Polo (those plaid blazers are no joke). As much as I want to give it to the woman who wears “s-e-x” earrings, Carla’s iridescent oversized sequin pool cover up had other plans. Even when hopped up on molly, the girl can put an outfit together.
Drama Queen: Cayetana
Dang, you’d think a girl would lay low after scamming an entire town of super-rich people into donating money for a fake charity. Not Cayetana. She not only shacks up with outed murderer Polo, but helps him hide the murder weapon so there’s no evidence against him and he can remain free … AND THEN she tanks any chance Polo has of transferring to a school where people don’t actively want him to experience physical pain when she uses a fake Twitter account to spread the word that he is a suspected murderer. The girl just can’t help herself but cause trouble.
Drama King: Samuel
Though he be but little, Samu is loving that drama every damn day. I mean, season three is all about the repercussions of his move to FAKE HIS OWN DISAPPEARANCE. Yeah, I get it, the girl he loved died and his brother was wrongly convicted of her murder blah blah blah. Lighten up, Samu! We get that you’re feeling the turmoil boiling over inside, but doesn’t mean you need to bring it everywhere you go. For instance, maybe don’t harass people with fake Twitter accounts. Don’t hook up with your best friend when you are obviously still in love with the marchioness. And, I don’t know, maybe don’t work with the police to bug your best friend’s house so her drug kingpin mom gets arrested and then get truly steamed when the cops stab you in the back. Or maybe do? Lord knows I live for the messy drama, too.
Best Hair: Nadia
Just a quick appreciation for Nadia’s curls. Bless them. Every single one.
Class Sweetheart: Ander
He would absolutely hate this title, but it’s not up to him, is it? Ander may try to play it tough — he pushes Omar away, he doesn’t want his mother or friends to know he has leukemia — but we all know he’s a softy at heart. He loves Omar so much, he fears being a burden to him. He treasures his friendships with Guzmán and Polo so deeply that it is torture when he has to choose between them. I mean, look at his small interactions with Rebe this season, sweetly teasing her about her crushes on Carla and Samuel. He is a friend to all. We do not deserve him.
Life of the Party: Valerio
With a closet that consists only of silk shirts and a desperate need to distract himself from the fact that he’s in love with his half-sister, Valerio has the unique power to make a party out of any situation. Whether it’s at a nightclub with hundreds of people or in a bedroom with a fraud and a murderer, the guy just wants to have a good time.
Best Couple: Guzmán and Nadia
Listen, I know this is a controversial pick over Ander and Omar, but we are talking strictly season three, people. Did Omar’s blow job possibly save Ander’s life by alerting him to his leukemia? Sure, yes. But, Omar never once apologizes to Ander for hooking up with Malick (and also, I know the guy wants to have fun, but your boyfriend has cancer). On the other swoony hand, there is Guzmán and Nadia. In season three, Guzmán pines for Nadia. Guzmán starts working at Nadia’s family’s store so that she can study. Guzmán professes his love for Nadia while wearing a goddamned harness. And then, as Nadia goes off to accomplish her dreams in New York, Guzmán promises that he’ll be waiting for her and Nadia promises that she’ll come back for him and did you see Guzmán’s face when he hears that? That face deserves the Best Couple award.
Most Likely to Build an Empire: Rebe
Okay, I know Rebe wants to “get out of the drug business” because she’s “tired of seeing dead bodies.” But should she continue on that risky-but-prosperous path, she could rule the world. Of course, she’s smart enough, savvy enough, and just savage enough to make a living pushing any product of her choice.
Most Likely to Never Return to Spain: Malick
In the short time Malick attends Las Encinas, he gets exposed for using a girl as a beard, tries and fails to break up a beloved couple, and witnesses a murder. Yeah, that dude is never coming back.
The Two Best Friends That Anyone Could Have: Guzmán and Ander
That moment when Guzmán hugs Ander after he learns his friend has accepted his death as a forgone conclusion? And then he tells him he’s not allowed to die alone? Sure, Ander eventually goes into remission, but I am still sobbing over this.
Most Likely to Avoid Blackout Parties for the Rest of His Life: Omar
Dang, does Oscar get done dirty by that Blackout Party. All the guy wants to do is cheat on his sick boyfriend with his sister’s boyfriend in the backroom of a very crowded club frequented by every person he knows. What could go wrong?
Most Likely to Always Wear His Hat Backward: Yeray
Steve Jobs had black mock turtlenecks, dating app wunderkind Yeray has backward hats. It is his only way.
Most Likely to Haunt His Classmates From the Grave: Polo
If you dummies don’t think Ghost Polo is putting on his best Ghost Blazer to haunt his classmates until their dying days, you are kidding yourself. Polo was a sensitive soul and I gotta believe he’s at least going to visit Lu to be like, “Um, people harassed me until the very end when I did my accidental murder, you’re not getting away so easily.” Also, maybe Ghost Throuple is a thing Elite might want to explore in the future?
Most Likely to Accidentally Murder: Anyone, really
A rotating title always up for grabs at Las Encinas.
