It feels strange to see some of our Schitt’s Creekers in New York, doesn’t it? And not just because of, you know, the current hellscape we’re living in, but also because aside from Ted’s video chatting in the Galapagos and a few moments spent in the Roses’ old mansion, we’ve never really seen these people out in the world. They’ve been safely tucked into small-town life all this time. Johnny, Stevie, and Roland’s journey to Manhattan to pitch the Rosebud Motel Group to a venture-capitalist firm is a jarring reminder that there is life outside of Schitt’s Creek. Not only is that on our minds, but throughout “The Pitch” it’s exactly what all of the Roses are grappling with, as well. What does life outside of Schitt’s Creek look like?
Clearly, Moira is the most desperate to find out. As the gang sends the Rosebud Motel Group off to hop on the private jet sent by Johnny’s old assistant and interested investor Mike Morrison for them to take to their meeting in New York, Moira is trying to temper her desperation for this deal to happen. She isn’t great at covering. “We are all relying on — no, we are cheering you on!” she yells as the team heads out. Not long after, without even a small update from the New York contingent, Alexis finds her mother packing her suitcase. “You see a few cherished items being neatly folded into a piece of luggage and you immediately leap to conclusions,” Moira tells her daughter, who wants to know why she’s preparing to leave the motel. Moira can’t help herself — she wants to be prepared to get the hell out of Schitt’s Creek the moment the deal goes through. She assumes that New York will be the base of operations and she and Johnny will be moving there immediately. Alexis is upset over being left out for maybe 15 seconds, but then remembers that Interflix, also headquartered in New York, has been courting her. She’ll go there, too! This is the answer to her succulent-in-a-small-pot dilemma. This is great news.
Then, when David shows up because he’s “on a break” from work (he forgot his phone, keys, and wallet), Alexis fills him in on the big family plans. She’s already looking at apartments for her, David, and Patrick to share. David actually asks the question everyone should be asking: “What if the deal doesn’t go through?” But Alexis explains: “You would have no way of knowing this but usually when someone sends a jet for you, it means he’s very interested. Trust me. And Tiger Woods.”
And so it doesn’t take very long for David to jump on the “we’re all moving to New York!” bandwagon. He’s completely forgotten about the fact that no deal has been signed yet. In fact, when he tells Alexis that there are a lot of “what ifs” to cover, he means less “what if this doesn’t work out” and more “what if we don’t agree on the same candle fragrance for the apartment.” All the Roses are full-steam ahead — they are ready to leave Schitt’s Creek in the dust.
David does find one potential problem: Patrick isn’t into this idea of moving at all. David is so excited to tell him about their plans, he doesn’t stop to think about how insane it might sound to lay that news on someone. He can’t even fathom the idea that someone might want to stay in Schitt’s Creek over New York. Not even his offer of half a muffin helps ease the tension. At least he knows how to read the room. Once he sees Patrick’s reaction, he reminds him that this is all contingent on the deal going through. If it doesn’t, “this was just a big waste of time … and frown lines.” They put in a pin in this very alarming conversation until they have more information. And probably more muffins. They’ll need a lot of muffins to get through this.
So what does happen with the big pitch meeting? It does not start off well. Johnny, Stevie, and Roland are greeted in the lobby by Ruth, Mike Morrison’s assistant, with some less-than-stellar news: Unfortunately, Mike had a last-minute meeting in South Africa, so he won’t be there today. She does at least soften the blow by telling Johnny that she grew up going to Rose Video and is a big fan of his work. The guys in the pitch meeting are much less flattering. From the start of Johnny’s presentation, they are pretty much making fun of him to his face. It’s a disaster. Well, Johnny’s great, but Stevie is unbelievably nervous and Roland … why anyone would bring Roland to this meeting is truly stretching the limits of suspension of disbelief. Eventually, the presentation freezes and Roland knocks over a pitcher of water and everyone decides it might be best for a five-minute break.
They go back into the meeting reinvigorated. Johnny takes over and he is wonderful. He is selling the charm of motels like no one ever has in the history of motels. Or selling things. They leave the pitch meeting feeling like they’ve nailed it. But when Roland realizes he left his briefcase (it was empty, used only to make himself look intimidating), he walks back into the boardroom to find everyone ripping apart the pitch and Johnny. It’s awful. Finally, Roland serves a purpose: He reminds them all that Johnny is a legend and they have no right to treat him that way. “Shame on you!” he tells them. Roland is … a good friend? This is wild.
When he meets up with Johnny and Stevie in the lobby, they’re in celebration mode, but he tries to temper their expectations. And then something great happens: Ruth reappears, tells them that the guys up in that boardroom are idiots, and she and some junior partners are defecting and opening their own firm next month. It’s all set up and they are looking for clients just like the Rosebud Motel Group.
You guys: They have an investor. This! Is! Happening!
They wait until they’ve returned from New York to tell their families — all anxiously sitting outside the motel waiting for them to arrive. Johnny steps out of the car, gives his family a little smile and nod (Eugene Levy is an angel!!), and lets them know that the deal went through. Everyone is ecstatic! There is a huge group hug and demands to pop open some Zhampagne! All of their dreams are coming true.
Well, except for Patrick and David who, judging by the look on Patrick’s face in that group hug, have maybe just stepped into a nightmare scenario. I mean, let’s be honest: These two are getting their happy ending — this is a show full of joy, after all. But before they say their “I dos” there’s sure to be some tough conversations about their future and, if I had to wager a guess, the Roses are going to have to say some very emotional good-byes before this thing wraps up.
The Wig Wall
• To convince someone to watch Schitt’s Creek — honestly, it blows my mind that people might need convincing — perhaps show them the scene in which Moira commands her children to join her on the floor and hold hands while “sending positive energy” Johnny’s way. She starts this prayer-but-not-prayer exercise out with a “To whom it may concern” and even gives whatever higher power might be listening a physical description of Johnny so that they know who she is talking about. Finally, she asks this power to “forward the following” message to Johnny: “John, my macho man, you don’t deserve another failure.” It is both wildly hilarious and lovingly heartfelt, which is exactly how I would describe this show in general.
• Oh, Moira repeatedly forgetting who Grace is at Grace’s own farewell party, which she mistook for her own, made me giggle. When she’s asked how she could think this party was for her when the cake clearly says “Goodbye Grace” on it, Moira’s reply is: “I thought you were singling out one of my notable attributes.” The whole scene is just so good and so perfectly Moira.
• Aw, when they learn the good news David hugs Stevie and says, “You’re like a businesswoman now,” and she responds, proudly, “Damn right I am.” Stevie! She finally found her calling.
• Okay, now we all want to see Kerry Washington and Elle Fanning star in a Broadway all-female revival of 12 Angry Men. Why even dangle that idea in front of us?
• Any time someone questions why I need more space, I will forever be using Alexis’s explanation for why she would get the master bedroom in an apartment she’d be sharing with David and Patrick: “But I have a lot of coats.”