The Real Housewives of Atlanta
For the first 60 minutes of this 75-minute episode, it felt as if maybe something was changing. Maybe, just maybe, there could be harmony in the Real Housewives universe. Maybe balance could be brought to the force. Somewhere, there could be even the tiniest bit of harmony between NeNe and literally any other person. Then I remembered that NeNe is completely incapable of that, and I’m left wondering why NeNe even cares if anyone likes her.
There is a true darkness and meanness inside NeNe, and we all need to stop pretending that we want there to be light within her. We want that darkness. We want that moment when her voice drops three octaves and her eyes go black. So why is anyone, including NeNe, working to find the lightness within her? NeNe would certainly be freed from a lot of her emotional struggles if she just freed herself from needing to be liked. She needs to just go full Palpatine and live in a cave, because the whiplash between Nice NeNe and Sith NeNe is getting too terrifying to witness. So just embrace the dark side, NeNe. Let’s get to it.
We’re waking up in Greece, and all the ladies are taking advantage of the sun and good spirits. Everyone is in almost too good of spirits. Porsha is playing with baby PJ, who might be one of America’s cutest babies. Kandi and Kenya are taking glamour shots outside, and Marlo brought her glam squad with her. She says, “I wish my friends were a little richer so they could have staff here.” Kandi checks in with Kenya about how she’s feeling, and Kenya, an almost-50-year-old woman with a child, says she’s going to continue her “Hot Girl Summer.” I’m not here to put a cap on anyone’s freakiness, but ma’am, you’re about to go through what I can only assume will be a messy divorce that you refuse to let anyone reference. Ain’t no Hot Girl Summer for you. Kenya doesn’t think NeNe was trying to be positive, and she doesn’t have any time for bullshit.
The plans for the afternoon are a whirlwind of sightseeing and drinking. Kandi has selected a Dinner in the Sky, which is a thing we all know about and are familiar with, yes? NeNe is deathly afraid of heights, and literally no one gives a shit about her anymore. The other delightful development is that Kandi is planning to hire her surrogate as a manager at OLG, because Kandi can never pass up an opportunity to make money and expand her staff.
On the bus ride to sightseeing, Cynthia says that Mike wants another kid and it’s possible for people in their 50s to get pregnant. Yes, her period is already irregular, but they could have a miracle baby! NeNe just says, “Where is her egg at?” I want that sewn onto a T-shirt.
Once they arrive at the Dinner in the Sky, they do a prayer and check out the view of the Acropolis. Everyone is just enjoying their day when Kenya decides to quietly start some shit. She starts asking Cynthia questions about the wine, as if Cynthia knows a goddamn thing about wine; she witnessed Cynthia say “a fruity effervescence” about a still wine and decided to ask more questions. Kenya starts to ask Cynthia about pairings for the wine and says, “So you completely ignore the meal you’re having with the wine?” YES, KENYA. None of these women are gourmands. One of them is dating someone called the Hot Dog King. If you want sophistication, look elsewhere. Do you want to get fucked up 100 feet in the air? Stick with Cynthia. Everyone else spots that Kenya is trying to embarrass Cynthia, but Cynthia cannot believe any ill intent when it comes to Kenya, and just says that the read only has power if you give it power.
They head out for what amounts to a montage in the marketplace of them shopping, eating crêpes, and drinking wine. Kenya shouts at everyone for lying down on some ruins for a photo op because it’s disrespectful. She mutters, “We’re not in America. Act like you’ve been somewhere!” Kenya has gone full mama.
They head to a restaurant that only serves empty plates for them to smash. They’re all supposed to shout something they’re passionate about, and NeNe just shouts “Happiness!” What Marlo shouted was inaudible on my TV, but I can only assume she shouted “GUCCI BELTS AND 60-YEAR-OLD MEN!”
EVERYONE is in good spirits, and they’re picking out souvenirs. Porsha and Tanya buy matching evil-eye bracelets and they pick one up for Cynthia, to incept the idea that Kenya is not supportive and her evil ways have to be blocked. A producer asks Kenya during her confessional interview if it’s the same thing for her to press Cynthia on her wine knowledge when she flipped out on Tanya with the wig. Kenya is completely incapable of seeing anyone else’s perspective and dresses down her producer. If THIS is how the questions are going to go, she’s going to WALK away. Cynthia is her good sis, and if she wants to embarrass her, that’s her business!
The next morning, they’re heading to a vineyard because this episode is thematic. On the way, they discuss what Marlo is looking for in a man. She wants him to be established, well-off, a business owner, wealthy, and rich. Kandi launches into a lecture that Todd didn’t have anything when she met him, but he had the right attitude (and her seed money). Marlo says that at 43, she’s past the window of growing with somebody and, at 31, I totally get it. Marlo says she’s only sucking dick on holidays, and Tanya chimes in that she’s sucking dick during the week. LISTEN. TANYA GETS IT AND KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN. GIVE HER A PEACH!
NeNe launches into some monologue about how cheating is … okay, and that it doesn’t make you a bad person? As long as your man comes home? Oh lord. On the advice of my therapist, I just fucking can’t with this crowd.
Finally we’re at the winery, and Porsha starts by celebrating Cynthia’s achievements and accidentally calls Bailey Wine Cellar “a winery.” They do a wine tasting and Tanya swallows all the wine.
Porsha takes NeNe aside to talk to her about how their friendship has been derailed. Porsha explains that when NeNe was texting her awful things, Porsha was in the depths of postpartum depression and literally breastfeeding her baby. NeNe bursts into tears and says she wants to be her big sister again and NeNe was in the worst time of her life and she was worried about Gregg leaving her. Porsha says that she’s trying to maintain certain boundaries and needs NeNe to give her the same boundaries back. Porsha is crying. NeNe is crying. They’re saying “I love you.” Their lashes are falling off. All is healed so Porsha gets the bright idea that everyone should do this. This is not a bright idea, but we’re going with it!
They’re going to throw a Ruins Party at the villa. They are going to pass around a laurel wreath, and air out their grievances, and leave them in the ruins. These issues will not be left among the ruins. But no one can pass up the opportunity to dress up in their tightest dress with cutouts and scream at each other, so it’s on.
NeNe and Porsha refuse to tell anyone what their heart-to-heart was about. Good start to the Ruins Party. The first crown goes to Kenya from Cynthia, and Cynthia tells her that she didn’t appreciate her lack of knowledge being shown off. NeNe says in her confessional that Cynthia will never really hold Kenya accountable, and that starts to spill out into the Ruins Party. She starts calling Kenya a big bully and asking if she wants to fight. Then NeNe starts screaming “NEGATIVE BETTY.” This party has been happening for 15 minutes, and it’s already off the rails.
Cynthia tries to address NeNe, and she won’t accept the crown. So that sends Kenya shouting at NeNe again. “Is this the bipolar NeNe?”
NeNe responds with “No, you’re bipolar. That’s why your husband left you, bitch.”
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. End the party. END THE PARTY. We all gotta GO HOME.
“He never liked you. Your cat is dry, and your husband is gone.” NENE!
It’s time for BED. But no, the Ruins Party goes on! Kenya and Tanya try to mend their relationship, and Kenya starts off by thanking Tanya for being compassionate, and Tanya says she appreciates the apology she’s gotten from Kenya. Kenya cannot help herself and says she never got an apology from Tanya for the whole wig bullshit, and Tanya says that she doesn’t feel sorry because Kenya brought the Cookie Lady around. I mean … reasonable. #TeamTanya
NeNe mutters that a real woman wouldn’t do that to someone else’s marriage, and that starts the chaos again. NeNe is throwing popcorn! Kenya says, “Please go to jail again!” NeNe is spitting on Kenya! This is what I’m saying. These two women are INCAPABLE of maintaining any level of kindness for more than 20 minutes at a time, and we shouldn’t expect them to. Let’s just let Hela, the goddess of death, and that big fire guy from Thor: Ragnarok go after each other until the end of time.
To be continued …