The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Do you think NeNe and Kenya ever rest? Do you think they ever just go home, take off their wig, lie down, and pop on an episode of House Hunters International? Because at this point, the energy required to keep this feud going between the two of them could power a small city, and aren’t they tired? Their feud is like a sourdough starter, it’s just been fed tiny bits of anger and scraps have been cut off to bake new loaves of hatred. Who even remembers putting a little bit of flour and water in a nonreactive container and letting it sit out? Is this metaphor strained? Yes. Have I been watching too many bread tutorials on YouTube during Illinois’s stay-at-home order? Yes. Will NeNe and Kenya ever relax? Nope.
Let’s get to it.
We’re in the middle of this ruined Ruins party and man, oh man, everything is awful. NeNe has started to put popcorn seeds in her mouth and spit them at Kenya like some sort of vengeful Pez dispenser. Instead of maybe removing herself from the situation or trying to establish some sort of peace, Kenya refuses to calm the situation down. She’s just sitting back while Kandi and Cynthia try to settle everyone down and shouts, “If you feelin’ froggy, jump.” KENYA. You are NOT HELPING.
Then Porsha steps up and becomes the responsible adult in the room. PORSHA. PORSHA WILLIAMS. Anger management is WORKING, honey. Porsha asks where the friendship between NeNe and Kenya went, and we get a very cold friendship montage. Kenya’s main issue is that NeNe called her child a “buffalo.” Bitch, when? What? That’s what this is about? Porsha is like, “Umm … okay, well, NeNe called me a pig so can we just … ?” The greatest moments are when everyone calmly clarifies, “No, no, NeNe was calling you fat and ugly. Not your child.” NeNe finally says that she never would call anyone’s baby anything and she apologizes if that’s what Kenya thought. NeNe also says she would never hurt a woman, which is not true at all. NeNe’s main objective is to hurt, and she shuts down if she can’t complete it.
Porsha stops Kenya to point out that NeNe actually apologized for something. It was a bad apology, and no one really believes it, but it was an apology. Porsha asking Kenya to take stock of what is actually being presented to her is a testament to Porsha’s anger management and therapy. What does Kenya do with this call to reflect and acknowledge? She says, “Fine, I’ll accept it because I want this to be over.” KENYA. Porsha says that NeNe is saying “accept my apology, bitch” and Kenya is getting caught up on the “bitch.” Kenya is “accepting” the apology and Porsha tells her she’ll actually receive it later when she’s ready to. PORSHA!
When NeNe starts insulting people, she claims she goes into an insult fugue state where she doesn’t remember what she’s said or how it might be received. She’s just throwing insults out there, and if you think she’s calling your child a buffalo, NeNe doesn’t even remember saying anything. She’s gotta go back to the tape. And honestly, I’m with NeNe on this one. Someone saying, “Wow, she looks like she’s pregnant with a buffalo” is not saying that your child is a buffalo. They’re saying you look fat, and to twist it around to mean that NeNe is literally calling your child a buffalo is a REACH.
Marlo decides that now is the perfect time to ask Kenya for an apology for bringing a marching band to Marlo’s wig event. REASONABLE. TOTALLY REASONABLE. Kenya immediately starts talking about how nothing is off limits with Marlo and that Marlo is trying to destroy her the way the people in Kenya’s family did. This no longer feels like it’s specifically about Marlo, but something that Marlo represents. Marlo just wants an apology for this one thing, and everyone has agreed at various points that talking shit about people’s businesses is generally off limits. But Kenya cannot turn off her rage and her desire to be right in front of the cameras, so she storms off, the first in a series of people storming off. Kandi follows her to get her to calm down and Kandi tries to give her a hug and Kenya pushes her away in a way that was … upsetting. I can understand wanting to get away from the situation, but straight up shoving a friend is too much, even for Kenya.
The next morning, everyone is reeling from the fallout of the Ruins party. A couple groups form to talk about the events of the night before, and Marlo lies on her back and gets her makeup done. I’m with Marlo on this one. NeNe, Tanya, and Porsha sit on one side of the villa while Cynthia, Kandi, and Kenya are on the other side. Group 1 alleges that Kenya will never let anyone finish what they are saying if the beginning doesn’t mesh with her worldview. Correct. Group 2, well, Kandi and Cynthia say that NeNe was really trying on their first night in Greece to reach out to Kenya but the second Kenya shut her down, NeNe had no reason to hold back. Also, correct.
Kenya tries to act like she’s the only one who has ever been insulted and Kandi reminds her that Porsha and Phaedra accused Kandi of rape not so long ago, so please quit with the pity party. There’s a way to move forward with just about anything, and they’re having some goddamned FUN today. Kandi has arranged for them to hang out at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club which is the crossover I never knew I needed. I’m THRILLED to see Panos and the whole gang … Wait … where are literally any people? Lohan’s Beach Club is DESERTED, and these are just the type of women that the servers would have to compete to impress. Where is Gabi? And Billy? And Aristotle? And Jonitta?
Kandi has also arranged a series of obstacle courses and “team-building” challenges. It’s just some goofy bullshit, and NeNe’s titties fly out not once but twice. Listen, I have big titties and I need an underwire in my bathing suit; I don’t know what these women are doing out without some structure. You can’t put Lane Bryant titties in a Fashion Nova bathing suit.
Since it’s the final night, it’s only fitting that they try to throw another vaguely themed party that can only end in disaster. It’s going to be a goddess party, because Kandi knows that Greece is famous for goddesses and mythology! Hello! And since Kandi’s getting ready for her role on The Chi, maybe Cynthia and Kandi should act out a Greek tragedy version of the story of NeNe and Kenya. This is a terrible idea for friendship, but an amazing idea for television. Kandi knows that NeNe and Kenya won’t actually have a conversation, so maybe they should have one for them and show them what they sound like. Literally every sentence of this is worse than the one before it. Cynthia will play NeNe and Kandi will play Kenya to remove any hints of favoritism.
Everyone comes down for the party and picks what goddess they want to be for the night. Kenya is Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty. Kandi is Tyche, goddess of love and prosperity. Kenya is the goddess of wisdom and war, Athena. NeNe is Eos, the goddess of health and curing diseases. Marlo is Artemis, the goddess of the hunt, and Tanya is Hebe, the goddess of youth. Cynthia is Hera, the goddess of marriage. “Who’s thirsty now? Not Hera!” Cynthia says. Once everyone decides what roles they’re going to play, Kandi and Cynthia introduce the entertainment for the evening and Tanya is VERY excited.
NeNe decides to get up and tries to walk out. She claims that she’s just going to the bathroom but she’s trying to blow past the producers and take off her mic. She doesn’t want to listen to this bullshit and she shouts at the producers, “Who the fuck do you think you are?” Kandi and Cynthia smartly postpone their performance as NeNe struggles with the producers. Well, Hera is vengeful against mortals that cross her. Kenya better look out because Hera has a tendency to turn people into cows … and buffalos.