Don’t Stand, Don’t Stand So, Don’t Stand So Close to SNL’s Bernie Sanders

At least he’s back in Vermont, wearing a cozy sweater and getting his Dell computer to successfully work with Zoom. Bernie Sanders, who’s not wearing AirPods and is not the real Bernie Sanders, gave SNL an update about his life since he dropped out of the presidential race last week: He’s doing alright, although he realizes that he’s “always the bridesmaid, never the Democratic nominee.” But you don’t need to worry about him. He has his family! He “finally has the time to relax and finish that heart attack from October.” He might even endorse Joe Biden if he’s feeling wild. Just don’t get overly friendly with him, okay? “Stay safe, stay healthy, and please, whatever you do, stay the hell away from me,” he explained. “To tackle this pandemic, here’s what we have to do. No more handshakes. No more high-fives. The only greeting we need is the half-wave. It’s worked for me for years.”