Maybe I’m feeling sentimental, or maybe it’s because the Housewives are the most human contact I’ve had in almost a month, but this episode felt so emotional and honest. They weren’t going to lunch in a completely empty restaurant with a waiter who is going to submit her appearance on the show as part of her acting reel. None of the parties had themes that were sentences or were designed to publicly humiliate someone. For a brief, shining moment, after returning from an all-expenses trip to Greece, the Housewives were just some moms hanging out. Stars, they’re sort of like us! (The downside to an episode like this is it all rests on how interesting you find Todd.)
Also, is it just me or was Cynthia putting in work this episode? That woman was everywhere. She was at Swagg Boutique, she was welcoming baby Maverick into the Atlanta social scene, she was supporting Porsha at her charity event. If life is a cabaret, Cynthia is the emcee. Is the show trying her out as the new central Housewife — the one the show revolves around since NeNe is still … very angry? Only time will tell. Let’s get to it.
The ladies are all at home after the Greek trip and NeNe is parading her thighs in front of Gregg before he heads off to an American Cancer Society meeting. According to NeNe, Gregg has been taking all of his medicine and his holistic treatments so there’s no way to know what worked, but it did! NeNe tells Gregg that on the trip, she was perfectly ready to embrace Kenya but Kenya completely ignored her. She also says she has no idea why Kenya doesn’t like her and that NeNe is just being petty back to Kenya. NeNe is completely delusional. It might be fair for her to say that she’s just doing all this because Kenya is petty, but NeNe conveniently leaves out how she tried to lunge at Kenya and spit at her.
Unfortunately, a broken clock with a wig on is right twice a day, and NeNe says that Kenya can talk about everyone else’s kids and relationship but no one can talk about hers. Gregg says that NeNe has already extended the whole olive tree so he doesn’t know why Kenya isn’t coming along. Has Gregg met his wife or seen this television program? I guess you gotta marry someone who has the same delusions as you.
Kandi is packing for her shoot in Chicago and Todd is sulking in the corner. Listen, Kandi going to shoot episodes of The Chi at the same time her new infant daughter will be arriving is bonkers. That is incomprehensible and I can’t find any of the logic that made that decision possible. But Kandi has never met a paycheck she didn’t like, so you can’t really be surprised at what decision she made. Todd says he’s not happy she’s going to be away, he’s not happy about the sex scene, and according to him, no man would want to see their wife onscreen touching someone else. I hate to break it to Todd but there are actual websites devoted to men watching someone else touch their wives. They’ve got T-shirts and everything. Kandi says that Todd should get a tour bus and drive up to Chicago to see her and when she’s back in town, she thinks they should do a little touch-up counseling session. Todd passive-aggressively agrees, and Kandi’s off to the Windy City!
Cynthia heads over to Swagg Boutique and Cynthia and NeNe are both dressed head-to-toe in leopard print and before today, we would have moved on, but the Netflix overlords demand I say that they’re dressed in Carole Baskin cosplay. Cynthia is there to continue to justify her actions and decisions around NeNe because she is still somehow upset about the Greek tragedy play that never happened. NeNe, please. We’re so tired. Cynthia demonstrates how she would have played NeNe and then NeNe joins in creating a chorus of NeNe Leakeses, including NeNe pretending to flash her vagina and whipping her legs around. It feels like the moment in Inception when the buildings fold around each other. They head out to the parking lot because Porsha is just driving by and screams at them out her car window. She’s hosting her first event and all the ladies are invited. Porsha is an ambassador for the March of Dimes and this is all so wholesome and sweet, I tried to hug the TV just to feel the warmth of another person again.
Then there’s Kenya. Oooooh, Kenya. I’ve never set up my will and testament, so I’m not entirely sure if you’re supposed to use your estate planner as a sort of therapy session to explain everything that’s happening with your awful husband. There are some real tidbits in there that make me very worried for Kenya. There’s no prenup, Kenya has more money than Marc, and they’re currently not speaking. All of this is going to make for a real goddamn mess of a divorce. But Kenya is setting up this will in case she dies. Is the order of this correct? What is the likelihood she’s going to pass away before this divorce is finalized? Also, Kenya is planning to have her aunt be Brooklyn’s guardian. Not … Marc? AM I READING THIS RIGHT? Goddamn, Marc must be a PIECE of WORK if he’s not even in the conversation about Brooklyn’s financial future.
Kandi FaceTimes with Todd and Ace, and Ace is trying to show off his toys but gets overwhelmed and breaks down crying because he wants his mommy. Kandi says she feels like she sucks as a parent and needs to do a better job figuring out work-life balance. Listen, my own mom worked and works A LOT; there is a two-and-a-half-year period of our lives where she spent Monday through Friday in a different state, not including any other business trips. I’m sure there are moments where my mom felt guilty or wanted to be home when she couldn’t, but it was never framed to any of us as her failure as a mother or that she was choosing work over us. There are plenty of things my family can’t deal with, but we did a pretty good job framing women’s work outside the home as something just as valuable as their contributions as a mother. It’s pretty striking that Todd isn’t going to stay with Kandi on this extended trip or bring Ace to Chicago. I live in Chicago! There are lots of things for lil kids to do!
Cynthia picks up her hosting duties again and heads over to Eva’s house to welcome baby Maverick. Eva had a 22-hour labor and that was her shortest labor. I couldn’t find my CBD patch right when my period started and I lost two days of work. The thought of 22 hours of anything is a nightmare. Eva’s baby looks JUST LIKE MIKE. At this time, we cannot confirm or deny that Maverick isn’t Mike sent back through a time machine to save us from the future. Eva is settled in her new house and her mom is ready for everything to quiet down. Cynthia fills Eva in on all the Greek trip gossip and says that everyone is ready for a reconciliation even if Kenya and NeNe aren’t.
It’s time for Porsha’s March of Dimes event. This new mature Porsha is amazing to see. She’s leading the whole room in a discussion about their fertility and childbirth stories. She brought everyone together for an event with a good cause and there were no arguments! Well, NeNe does show Porsha and Tanya a story about Marc’s multiple affairs and says that maybe Tanya should go find one of the women and bring them around Kenya. In the Game of Thrones scripted version of this television show, that is exactly what I would like to happen. In real life, that would cause Kenya to combust. Everyone sits down and shares their stories and Marlo cries!!! It’s also so apparent that there are women who have children because they think a child will love them unconditionally forever if they can’t find that unconditional love with a partner.
Shamea talks about when her water broke very early and she called Kenya to help her. This is all a surprise to Porsha, and if you look at her face, you can tell it’s a surprise. I cannot wait to find out the exact way this bit of information plays out in the future and if we’re going to see the new Porsha or some other Porsha. Also, if we’re making Tanya and Marlo talk about egg reserves and miscarriages on-camera, give them a peach!
Kenya sits down with her aunt to tell her about her meeting with the estate planner. Kenya is talking about how she doesn’t want Marc to stay with her to visit Brooklyn and how she feels like she lost her friend to communicate with. She also says that Marc never let her speak to his parents! WHOA!!! How was that not the biggest of red flags? I understand if Marc doesn’t have a relationship with his parents and you’re supporting him in that, but it sounds like he refuses to allow Kenya to speak to his parents, which is NUTS. If your man doesn’t let his mom send you a bitmoji, he doesn’t love you or her. There is a Tyler Perry villain level of darkness in Marc and I’m glad he’s gone. Kenya explains to her aunt that she has power of attorney and she would be a guardian for Brooklyn. Kenya needs this divorce complete yesterday.
Finally, we get to watch Kandi and Todd have three different fights. Todd is mad about the following things: that Kandi works too much, that Kandi has to do a sex scene, that Todd is working jobs that he never wanted in order to impress her mother. TODD. We can have all of these fights. We should have all of these fights. But can we not have them all on top of each other in one megafight? In the most unflattering light, Todd wants all of Kandi’s time and attention to be about him. Whenever Kandi talks about spending time with Ace, Todd follows it up with “What about me?” Well, Todd, you don’t need a ride to your T-ball game so maybe you can get it together. AND ANOTHER THING, TODD. Complaining that Kandi going to a T-ball game with Ace “doesn’t count” is bullshit and does nothing but make it impossible for Kandi to feel good. Also, Ace probably doesn’t care.
Kandi’s response to all of this is, “We talked about how I wanted to get into acting more and you were okay with it,” and “In two months, we’re going to have a newborn so I WILL be home.” She’s trying to make hay while she can, and it’s flawed logic but it makes some sort of sense. Getting Kandi to even admit she’s thinking about slowing down is a feat, but Todd takes the moment to pout, “You get to do everything you want to do!” Yeah, she’s a famous adult woman who makes a lot of money. If anyone can, it’s her. Todd then goes off that he’s sacrificed a lot for her dreams and he wasn’t good enough. Kandi stops him and is like, “WHO SAID THAT? I SURE DIDN’T.” He says he doesn’t want to do all these “practical” jobs; he wants to produce a movie. Kandi says, “I never brought up when that movie didn’t go anywhere.” Kandi. Always savage.
The worst thing for me was when Kandi says, “I want to spend time with you as well,” and Todd goes, “Act like it.” Are you fucking 15? Your wife is telling you she wants to spend time with you, and if you don’t believe that’s possible or true, there’s gotta be a better way to express that fact than “Then act like it.” Throw the whole man away.
Kandi is off to fix her makeup after crying (because she already felt guilty before all of this) and heads off to a women in entertainment luncheon. I just wish she didn’t feel the need to basically say, “Thank you for putting up with me and my crazy life.”