Guys, I’m really worried about two of our night screeching bat people. I’m talking about Scheana and Kristen, two bodies absent souls that have been living in isolation long before the coronavirus trapped us all inside our houses with our insecurities, regrets, and brand new home workout equipment rapidly gathering dust. Scheana displayed a range of emotion this episode that is usually reserved for when she gets her impossibly long manicure filled in. This spewing of emotion might have something to do with her course of hormones for freezing her eggs, a storyline that literally no one cares about, including her. But I think it’s something much deeper.
Scheana’s breakdown happens at Dayna’s birthday party. Okay, how is it that the 70 people who are now full-time cast members on this show were all born within two weeks of each other? Was there some sort of meteor passing over the Earth every July that turned all the 9-month-old fetuses about to be born into budding reality television stars? And, with that, just how many birthday parties at rat trap bars in Hollywood are we all expected to go to and see Peter’s very concerning haircut and not say anything to him? How many? (Ugh, but remember parties? I would grow Peter’s hair just to go to a party right now and not die.)
At the party, Dayna decides she needs to talk to Scheana because she hears that Scheana has been talking to Max because Dayna went to lunch with Brett. This is all so complicated and stupid (and also, I feel, slightly manufactured). Scheana never liked Dayna because she was dating Max, who Scheana bought an Apple Watch for at Thanksgiving. Then, when they stopped dating, Scheana had feelings for her “best friend” Brett, even though he repeatedly told her that he saw her as a friend and she kept saying, “Well, now, but maybe in the future,” like time and enough gifts would change his mind. Now it seems like Dayna started dating both of the guys that Scheana was into. Obviously not a good look.
Dayna chats with Scheana and basically tells her that it doesn’t matter whether she has feelings for Brett, she’s going to explore whatever feelings popped up over lunch, and she doesn’t care what Scheana or Max or anyone feels about it. The thing about Scheana is, she can’t say, “I’m hurt because I liked both of these boys and they didn’t like me back and instead they’re going for a younger woman and I feel like life is passing me by.” I don’t know that Scheana is even in touch with her feelings enough to know that is happening. Scheana was raised to be game above all else, so she needs to pretend like she’s always cool with everything even though she’s not. She’s deeply, deeply not. She needs to tell Dayna it’s weird what she’s doing to Max so she doesn’t look like she’s upset about Brett. It’s all too complicated.
When Lala sees what’s going down, she decides to talk to Scheana and mentions to her that she has a pattern of being “best friends” with these guys and saying she doesn’t want a relationship when she really does. Lala sees that Scheana wants everyone to think she’s perfect, even though her attempts are as lame as trying to win a pole vault competition with a single tagliatelle noodle.
That is when Scheana snaps. “I cry every day,” she says. “But it’s not over Brett and Max and Dayna.” Scheana is upset that she’s 34, divorced, and single. She is crying over Brett and Max and Dayna, but she’s crying because she’s not them anymore. She’s crying because life has passed her by and she doesn’t know her place anymore. She’s upset that she’s freezing her eggs so that she can have a child in the future. “This is all for a maybe,” she sobs, and it is the most real that Scheana has ever been, and for a brief shining moment, I actually kind of like her and want to give her a big hug and tell her that it will happen for her, too, if she lets go. It will happen for her if she stops trying to manufacture this perfect life she imagined for herself and take what comes at her. It’s when she gives up her expectations that she’ll stop being disappointed, but I’m afraid that requires a bit more soul searching than our little Scheana, her senses dulled by easy fame and Snapchat filters, is capable of.
As for Kristen, well, this is an entirely different tale and not a problem entirely of her own making. She’s at a “business” lunch with Katie and Stassi and Villa Blanca to plan a party for their Witches of WeHo wine. While they’re sitting there, Lisa approaches with her friend Elena, who is holding a tiny dog in a tiny outfit. (Is this Lisa’s dog that she’s carrying? If so, why is she carrying Lisa’s dog and not Lisa? Secondly, if it is not Lisa’s dog, does this woman want to be Lisa so much that she is now dressing her own dogs up in outfits and bringing them into restaurants?) Lisa asks about what is going on with Vegas, and Stassi and Katie start dissembling while Kristen just looks around the table confused.
Since Katie and Tom aren’t officially married, they’re going to run off to Vegas to have a quickie wedding to make themselves legit and also visit Lisa Vanderpump’s establishment at Ceasar’s Palace because this show is basically an infomercial at this point. The one problem is that Kristen has not been invited because Katie has decided she’s sick of her and doesn’t want her there. If you think that Lisa dropped this info and didn’t know the bomb she was setting off, you have not been paying attention to the last decade of how LVP operates on reality television.
Once this happens, Kristen calls Scheana, the only person who is still talking to Kristen, and asks her what’s up. Scheana tells her about the wedding and adds that she’s not even invited, so she shouldn’t get that mad. But it’s one thing to know and not be invited. It’s another thing to not know and not be invited, because Katie knows that if Kristen knows she has to invite her, so this means that Katie is knowingly leaving her out and, also, trying to hurt her.
Kristen pulls Katie aside at Dayna’s party and can’t even broach the topic without crying, and Katie, who is objectively the meanest person on television, doesn’t care a bit. “I’m not mad at you,” she tells Kristen, “We just need a break from each other.” I think this is what is making it hard for Kristen. If Katie and Stassi aren’t mad at her, then why don’t they want to be her friend? If it’s not something she did, then why are they cutting her out and not explaining why? Is this about Carter? Is this about something else? Is there something to this story that I’m missing, because I can’t figure out what about Kristen has changed. Also, as someone whose primary function this season has been sitting around her suburban house in loungewear, where does Katie get off thinking she can be so cruel?
I’m not saying Kristen is a perfect person, but she deserves something more than avoidance from her two best friends. She is clearly struggling. She even says, at one point, that her friends are abandoning her when she needs them the most. She is like a woman in a Lifetime movie who has driven her car into a lake and it is rapidly filling up with water and she can’t get the door open and is about a second away from running out of air. Katie and Stassi are there. They could open the door. They could let Kristen out and help her. Instead they’re standing at the shore, their arms folded in their chunky cardigans saying, “Bitch shouldn’t have driven into a lake.”
Speaking of Stassi, I can’t handle the way she is treating Beau. She tells Lisa that she can control everything in her life except for when Beau proposes to her and it’s freaking her out. She says she doesn’t want to give him an ultimatum about having to propose, but she doesn’t need to. It’s not like she’s in a position like Katie and Tom, where Katie wanted to get married and Tom was being non-committal for four years before she had to say, “Marry me or get out.” Beau has given every indication that he wants to marry her. He tells her repeatedly that he loves her and wants to grow old together. He talks about when they have kids (OMG, I sort of want to die soon so that I can be reincarnated as one of Beau’s kids because he is going to be such a great, fun, amazing dad). Why can’t Stassi just chill the fuck out?
When they’re talking about Tom and Katie’s Vegas nuptials she says, “It’s not my wedding. I’m never going to get engaged.” Dude! How many times does Beau have to tell her to be patient and he’s taking his time? Exerting this level of control on the relationship would be seen as a red flag if Beau wasn’t so inextricably in love with Stassi. She’s gonna feel like such a fool when he pulls off his perfect mausoleum proposal. Either that or he’s going to be so annoyed at these comments that she’s going to make one in the car on the way to pick up their dry cleaning and he’s just going to be like, “Ugh, fine. Do you want to get married?” just to shut her up, and then she’ll say, “THIS IS NOT HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ASK ME!”
Before we move on to the inevitable end of this recap, I would be remiss if I did not mention a few things. First of all, Dayna has a sister named Brittni. I know that we met someone named Valissa a few weeks ago, but at least that was an invented name. Brittni is a real-person name but spelled like an app that needed a vacant URL so it spelled itself in such a twisted manner that even a drunk contortionist couldn’t get into it.
Also, Lisa showing up at Dayna’s party and trying to find an excuse other than that she wants more camera time and to exert her control over the show is ridiculous. We know why you’re there, Lisa. Just be honest about it. It is fun watching Brett flirt with Lisa, though, and you know, you just know, that Brett’s mommy issues are bad enough that he would totally smash Lisa before he would ever think about putting his hands on Tia and Tamara, Charli’s cleverly named breast implants.
Brett was not present when Toms Sandoval and Schwartz joined Jax and Max at the Venice Beach Skate Park. They had no business being there. If you are old enough to have a 401(k) then you are too old to be on a skateboard. That is an actual law in the state of California. As the group dispersed, Tom Schwartz got in the passenger seat of Sandoval’s car as Sandoval threw his board in the back seat. Schwartz let out a long sigh. “What is it, buddy?” Sandoval asked?
“I was just thinking about when I was in high school and I would go to the Tallahassee Skate Park every day after school. I would do kickflips and ollies and grind rails and stuff. I wasn’t great, but that is where I would just hang out with my people. That is where I met Evan. He was just the coolest dude and the best skater. He had that long, kinda floppy hair like Edward Furlong in Terminator 2 and he was just so awesome. Everyone wanted to be him. Everyone wanted to be his friend and we would all rip off his style and start listening to the bands he was listening to. We became really close and I would go to the skate park every day just hoping to see him, just wishing he would laugh at something I said or have him show me how to do a trick better. I just wanted him to like me, you know?
“Finally, after months of hanging out, Evan invited me over to his house, which was in the town next to mine. My mom drove me over and dropped me off and I was so excited. We were up in his room and playing video games and listening to music. I think we might have smoked some pot. I don’t remember. But we were sitting on his bed and we had just finished playing Tekken 3 and he had beaten me for like the tenth time in a row. I looked over at him and he looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and then he put his hand on my knee. I looked down at it but I didn’t know what to do. He moved his hand up my thigh and I could feel electricity all over my body, and I got one of those 15-year-old boners that is so intense it feels like a balloon about to pop. I looked over at him and he had a boner, too.
“But I freaked out. My mom wasn’t going to show up for like an hour, but I grabbed my skateboard, held it over my boner, and ran out to the curb to wait for my mom there. I just sat on the curb staring down at my skateboard, waiting, scared, and still a little turned on. After 20 minutes, Evan came to the front door and yelled for me to come back inside, but I didn’t even look up. I just waited and waited. That was the last time I saw Evan. That was the last time I even went to the skate park or anything, and I just feel awful. What he did was so brave. I wish I could have done something for him. I wish I could have reached out and touched him. I wish we could have been alone and scared together.”
Schwartz was tearing up a little bit, and Sandoval put his hand on Schwartz’s knee and then moved it up closer to his crotch. They were both sporting boners. Sandoval grabbed Schwartz’s left hand and positioned it right onto his pointy bulge. “This one is for Evan,” Sandoval said. Schwartz gripped his hand tighter and leaned in for a kiss. “For Evan.”