Just when you think the world can’t get any worse … it does. Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson have reportedly split up after two years of a relationship that was mostly confirmed by photos and videos of the pair kissing in public and a not-so-subtle “CD” tattooed on Benson’s rib cage. A strategy I, for one, was very much here for. Remember this gem from Valentine’s Day. Just look at this. A smooch for charity just six weeks ago on Valentine’s Day. PDA for a good cause? Gay rights!
But, tragically, that was then and this is now. And now the two are apparently no more. Which means there is an important shared asset we must discuss. The sex bench. The infamous sex bench. The $385 Master Series Obedience Extreme Sex Bench With Restraint Straps the two were papped lugging into their shared home in West Hollywood a year ago this month. Who gets the sex bench? Given the current state of the world and the fact that both of these women could absolutely afford to purchase their own sex bench? But that wouldn’t be the queer-lady-ex thing to do. Sharing the sex bench would be the queer-lady-ex thing to do. (If you know, you know.) Both Benson and Delevingne were spotted roaming Los Angeles this spring with Kaia Gerber, Margaret Qualley, and Tommy Dorfman as what appeared to be a quarantine pod. So assuming they are both staying in the area this should be relatively easy to deal with since it’s a sex bench and, you know, not a human toddler.
What follows is a very legitimate and legally binding contract drawn up by me, someone who is definitely both a real lawyer and a real lawyer on retainer of both Ashley Benson and Cara Delevingne.
Both parties hereby agree to fully sanitize the sex bench prior to each scheduled handoff. This will include, but is not limited to, using an alcohol-based cleaning spray to spritz the whole bench and allowing the spray to sit for the necessary number of minutes to kill any potential germs before wiping it down. Both parties further agree to alert, via text message or phone call or Instagram DM, the other if the bench comes in contact with a person who has a confirmed case of the novel coronavirus. The bench will be delivered to each party’s home no later than 10 a.m. on the designated delivery day. Parties are not required to interact in person for handoff, but must text each other to confirm delivery and receipt. (Texts may also be exchanged by either party’s assistant or manager.) Should one party be lurking so as to be able to flirt with the other party during the sex-bench handoff in an attempt to rekindle an old flame, that would absolutely not be in violation of this agreement.
Ms. Benson will be entitled to the sex bench for the first two weeks of each month. Ms. Delevingne will be entitled to the sex bench for the second two weeks of each month. In the months of August and December, the two-week windows will switch so both parties will have access to the sex bench for their respective birthdays. If either party does not wish to have the sex bench for their birthday, they can forgo the schedule change. However, the party wishing to forgo the switch must notify the other party at least 30 days in advance. The parties will observe ten federal holidays each year. Pride will be considered an additional 11th holiday. Parties will predetermine their holiday schedule within the first two weeks of each new year. If parties plan to celebrate Pride in different cities, both must make reasonable attempts to accommodate a schedule such that both parties will have access to the sex bench for their respective Pride weekends. This is the only time the sex bench will leave the Los Angeles area, in the interest of carbon-footprint reduction because both parties are queer millennials who don’t want the world to catch fire. If both parties reconcile at any point in the future, this agreement is null and void and its drafter would be elated. Should the parties then sever again, an entirely new contract will be required.