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John Oliver Rebukes America for Giving the Coronavirus a ‘Great Success Story’

After taking a week off from working in his great white void, John Oliver returned to Last Week Tonight on Sunday with a fresh arsenal of insults against his favorite human puppet, Jared Kushner. The newest gripe? Kushner repeatedly saying that the federal government’s response to the coronavirus has been nothing short of “extraordinary,” even if more than 68,000 Americans are dead and testing is still a rarity. “No it fucking isn’t, Jared,” Oliver taunted. “Taking months to do what other countries did in weeks is not extraordinary. The only thing that’s extraordinary here is that the most punchable face in America somehow looks like it’s never been touched by human hands. Does it just absorb fists like a bowl of heavy cream? What’s your secret, you translucent sociopath?” Maybe it’s as simple as having “the skin of a newborn baby birthed in a tub of Neutrogena talk like a middle-aged dad desperately trying to connect with his teenage son.”

Oliver noted that while “some” confusion is inevitable when a new disease spreads around the world, America shouldn’t be on the same scale for testing and preparedness as, say, Belarus. “Again and again the people in charge failed to prepare for the worst-case scenario and have been slow in fixing mistakes,” he explained. “In May, we are still playing catch-up in the middle of a pandemic, which in turn means thousands upon thousands of people dying preventable deaths. If this is a great success story for anyone, it’s for the fucking coronavirus.” Just don’t tell it congratulations from us.

John Oliver Scolds USA for Giving Coronavirus Success Story