Today, Mary-Kate Olsen, internationally recognized since birth as the “rebellious” twin, filed for divorce from her gigantic French husband, Olivier Sarkozy, who shall henceforth be identified in the press as “Mary-Kate Olsen’s gigantic French ex-husband.” If you’ve been following Mary-Kate’s career — and I don’t mean her film career or her fashion career, but rather her career as an avant-garde aspiring eccentric who is working on a lifelong, Marina Abramovic–esque project that she has not yet revealed and may never reveal — you already knew that she was going to divorce her gigantic French husband. But what you may not know is what she’s going to do next. In fact, none of us do; that is the central point of Mary-Kate’s groundbreaking art piece, which she will someday turn in as her final project for her Gallatin School of Individualized Study degree.
However, as a student of Mary-Kate Academia who has followed her with a critical and careful eye for decades, I feel uniquely qualified to predict what she is going to do next. She is going to date Cara Delevingne.
Imagine, if you will, that I am standing in front of a massive corkboard covered with photos of Mary-Kate and Cara linked by strands of yarn, and that you think this is fine and normal. Both of us agree that due to the extreme dearth of celebrity gossip in these times, it feels right to fixate on this news story to the extent that we’re going to. Both of us agree that divorce is sad but billionaires divorcing is a little less sad, and that’s why we can do this sort of thing.
A few months ago, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen broke their unspoken code of never acknowledging that the world exists by filming a brief “happy birthday” video for Ashley Benson, who was then the girlfriend of Cara Delevingne. One can safely assume that Cara was the one to arrange the video, as asking the Olsen twins to do something they’ve literally never done before, something that seems antithetical to their entire existence, requires the sort of gall only possessed by a gently reckless and equally famous person. This means that Cara and Mary-Kate had either established some sort of friendship before the video, or are now eternally linked due to the video and its perhaps unforeseen but massive global implications.
About a week ago, Cara and Ashley (Benson, not Olsen — please keep up!!) announced their own breakup, likely due to the fact that they would never again feel the skyrocketing sense of euphoria they’d experienced when Ashley (Benson) received Mary-Kate and Ashley (Olsen’s) birthday video. Cara has since been quarantining with, oddly, Margaret and Rainey Qualley, meaning that she currently has no place of her own to live, despite the fact that recently she seems to have commissioned a jungle-themed house with her sister. A key detail in Mary-Kate’s divorce petition reveals that Mary-Kate also currently has nowhere to live, or at least, that she is being unceremoniously kicked out of her New York pied-à-terre that she shared with her gigantic French ex-husband.
Today, Ashley (Benson) was photographed hanging out with G-Eazy, which is the straight nail in the gay coffin. Painfully ending things with your longtime lover only to see them run into the sweaty arms of G-Eazy is the sort of thing that would drive anyone to the brink of madness.
In other words, both Mary-Kate and Cara are primed for a rebound situation. And who better to rebound with than one another? Mary-Kate’s type is rich people who understand what it’s like to be so rich that you can throw a cigarette-themed wedding with a straight face. Cara Delevinge’s type is previously straight women who have been burned one too many times by rich men (Ashley Benson, Kendall Jenner [rumored], Selena Gomez [rumored], Paris Jackson, et al.). Both women have been categorized as “troubled” by the media. Both kind of look the exact same if you think about it (see: above). Both need someone to quarantine with and it seems like Cara has the perfect jungle house for the occasion. Both know what it’s like to have people write articles like this about them. And most importantly, I just want them to.
Update, May 15, at 11:45 a.m.: Cara Delevingne has since “liked” Vulture’s tweet detailing her future relationship with Mary-Kate Olsen. A deep investigation reveals that Delevingne has not “liked” a tweet since November 2019, which greatly enhances the significance of this particular “like.” There are four possible meanings behind Delevingne’s Twitter engagement:
1. Cara and Mary-Kate are already dating. I quit journalism and become a career psychic in the manner of the Long Island Medium.
2. Cara plans to seduce Mary-Kate, but is politely waiting for the customary 13-day period between divorce petition and rebound relationship to pass.
3. Cara had no plans to seduce Mary-Kate, but is intrigued by the idea now that I’ve brought it up. This means that I have unintentionally meddled in matters of destiny, space-time, and free will, perhaps creating a butterfly effect that will end, say, in a mass-extinction event, but I think we can all agree it was worth it.
4. Cara plans to sue.