We really gotta spice this thing up. Netflix is out there innovating in this space. There were the hot people who were not allowed to bang. There was the show where everyone was allowed to catfish each other and they did! Netflix put people in pods so they would fall in love and made them talk about the pods as if that was a normal thing. But now … we are the ones who are in the pods. Did anyone else just get a chill down your spine? Is it possible we are all living inside a Netflix original series? No. This is real. It’s happening. And in these difficult and unpredictable times, The Bachelor Cinematic Universe really needs to step up its game. I watched multiple people get left at the altar this year. MAKE THIS EXCITING.
We’re about to march toward the inevitable finale where we crown Bri and Chris, a Swiftie and her whispering lover, as “Best Couple” and I cannot and will not let that happen. Everything is boring and the music is weird. So what devilish manipulations can we throw at this aspiring music couple? Chris Harrison rearranging some couples for an afternoon. That’s the best we can do, The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart? You can have them vote each other off the show! Or compete in mini challenges for the ability to assign the songs! Make them secretly pick who they want to sing with and if two people match, they get paired together and all the leftovers have to date each other! There’s an air-freshener cone that reveals who kissed! I just came up with all of these things on my own. Just implement one of them because what are they going to do now? They’ve used up the one source of drama, but we’ve got more songs to sing.
Let’s get to it and just talk about the only bit of drama that this show can manage: the Brandon-Julia dilemma. Wow, these are TWO UNLIKABLE PEOPLE on a show full of barely likable people. Listen to Your Heart clearly decided that Jamie, a woman who is too nervous to sing on a singing competition show, is our main character. Let that be a testament to the casting this season.
Chris Harrison shows up and says that it’s time for something that they’ve definitely done before and wasn’t just made up in order to wring the last bit of turmoil out of these weirdos. This is apparently “a test” to see which couples are “really strong” because this whole thing is only for “really strong couples.” So they’re MIXING IT UP! They also have to rearrange a couple of other pairs so it doesn’t look obvious. Um … Rudi goes out with Chris for reasons and Jamie and Ryan are going to a spa because … maybe something will happen? And Julia is going on a date with motherfucking Brandon. Sheridan starts packing his bags immediately.
The show does not give a shit about Rudi and Chris and Jamie and Ryan. It just wants that good Brandon and Julia drama. Brandon and Julia head to the Roxy with alleged singer-songwriter Joel Crouse to write a song together. They break out their rhyming dictionary and circle the word “clarity.” They’re hoping that the song will give them … clarity. Irony. Jealousy. All of these words rhyme but only “clarity” made it into the song. It’s also the title of the song. The theme is “I might be wrong but I need your love.” It’s a bad song, but it provides the exact right opportunity for Julia to launch herself directly at Brandon’s face and make out. Julia knows she wants to end up with Brandon and Brandon wants to end up … on television. Meanwhile, Sheridan is at home moping around because girls just want assholes.
Oh no. Ooooooooooh no. Listen, 2020 is about to set free murder hornets so I have neither the time nor the will to explain the whole nice guy thing. You are no longer legally allowed to complain about “nice guys” if you’re older than 23 years old. Read a feminist text, get a hobby, and buy new shoes.
It’s time for Julia and Brandon to return from their date and wreak some havoc. Julia takes Sheridan aside to talk to him and, oh man, she is actively bad at this. She’s been an attractive white lady for too long. She expected Sheridan to be CRUSHED that she didn’t want to be with him and got pissed when he wasn’t emotionally devastated. I’ve been the Sheridan in this breakup, and the Julia is always unhinged. I had a guy be disappointed that I didn’t “cry or anything” when he broke up with me after being exclusive for two weeks. Come to think of it, he had also cheated on me with his ex.
Sheridan forces Julia to actually use her words and break up with him and she says, “Why are you being so mean about it?” I cannot with this bitch. Sheridan just gets up and walks out of the mansion. He’s done. Brandon sits down with Savannah and, oh no, this man is a douche. If your boyfriend calls you “sweetie,” he’s a monster. Brandon frames the whole thing as “Julia still has feelings for me so … I’m just gonna do that.” Savannah tells him that she wants to feel chosen, and he says that it feels like she’s 95 percent in on the relationship. He also says that Savannah has a bit of an attitude. I tricked my boyfriend into watching this episode and he called Brandon a terrible name, while I said that Brandon was a community theater Kenickie. Brandon says that he’s really had patience and grace while he’s been playing with two women’s emotions. Savannah says if she’s not Brandon’s choice, she deserves better than whatever Brandon is doing.
She storms out and Brandon follows her saying that he wants to work this out with her. My God. Someone stop this man. They meet again in a hallway and Brandon continues the same bullshit. Savannah eliminates herself. Time for rehearsals?
Trevor and Jamie are singing “Like I’m Going to Lose You,” by Meghan Trainor and John Legend. Bri and Chris are singing “Lover,” by Taylor Swift. Natascha and Ryan are singing “You Are the Best Thing,” by Ray LaMontagne. Matt and Rudi are singing “Tennessee Whiskey,” by Chris Stapleton. Brandon and Julia are singing “We Belong,” by Pat Benatar, and Brandon says he’s never heard the song before and can’t figure it out. He says he’s probably heard it in a hair salon. How dare he disrespect Pat Benatar like that. She is an icon and you will give her respect. While everyone is off practicing, Natascha decides to be that bitch and asks Brandon if he would have stayed with Savannah if she wanted to. I should mention that Julia is doing “earmuffs” during this exchange. Julia lives in a world that I do not fully understand but it terrifies me.
While everyone is backstage, Natascha reveals to Julia in the most casual way that Brandon totally would have stayed with Savannah. Julia takes this as an extremely personal attack and a form of sabotage. Unfortunately, Brandon is unable to say, “Sweetheart, that’s not true,” and says, “Well, it wasn’t definitive …”
Time for the performances! Rachel Lindsay and her husband Dr. Abs (Bryan Abasolo), Andy Grammer, and True Pop Legend Toni Braxton will be judging this week’s performances. Rachel and Bryan are judging for romantic chemistry. Andy will be judging if they are singing human words, and Toni Braxton wants to picture them all fucking. I’m Team Toni.
Matt and Rudi are up first and it’s … pretty fun. Rudi is way better than Matt and everyone freaks out about how in love they are. Jamie and Trevor are up next, and Jamie is having a full-body meltdown because she’s being asked to sing on a singing competition. Trevor stands mostly motionless during the performance and Jamie paws nervously at his face and chest. Chris and Bri are adorable, and Bri says that she loves him for the first time after their performance.
Julia and Brandon for some reason turn “We Belong” into a Colbie Caillat song and Brandon sings the whole thing in a fake drawl that sounds like a Jason Mraz–Sublime hybrid. He also makes unflinching, unwavering eye contact with Toni Braxton the entire time. I mean, I get it but … yikes. Julia blames their bad performance on Natas — OH SHIT, NATASCHA! She’s … good?!? What a shock on this show. Unfortunately, Ryan sounds like a John Mayer that’s rapidly deflating. Plus he’s very bad at guitar. But they make sustained eye contact and apparently that’s what sexy looks like.
You know when you go to karaoke and a couple gets onstage to sing together and you can tell they just fucked in the bathroom? That’s what their performance and all the other good ones were like. You know when you go to karaoke and a couple gets onstage to sing together and you can tell they just got in a fight in the bathroom? That’s what the bad performances were like. All of the performances on this show have “a couple going through something at karaoke” energy.
After the performances, Julia complains that Natascha has betrayed her in a way that no performer would. First of all, has she ever seen Showgirls? Natascha says that she wasn’t trying to sabotage them and everyone is nervous so “it’s not about you right now.” I was hard on Natascha at first, but this bitch is bringing it.
Well, I guess it’s time for the rose ceremony. I mean … c’mon. This show ruined, like, two people’s lives just to get Brandon and Julia together and then those idiots couldn’t even make it one week together. Everyone gets a rose except Brandon and Julia. On her way out, Julia realizes that maybe she should have picked Sheridan instead of a man who they didn’t even give an exit interview! See you next week in VEGAS!