It’s not an official answer to the most debated question in television history, but hey, gather ’round with some gabagool anyway. Or better yet, talk it over with your therapist. On the newest episode of Michael Imperioli and Steve Schirripa’s delightful podcast Talking Sopranos, the duo unveiled a brand-new scene written by The Sopranos’ creator David Chase about how our first family of mobsters would handle quarantine amid the coronavirus pandemic. “It’s the first time he’s written them since 2007,” Schirripa noted about Chase’s lines, “and he was nice enough to let us read that.” The scene itself transcends reality thanks to the inclusion of a few long-dead characters, but since Tony himself is involved, we’re just going to assume he did not get shot at that diner.
“Things are tough right now with all the bad news and things that are going on, it’s nice to have something to laugh about,” Imperioli said. “David thought it was important to bring some levity to the world, and he wrote these lines about the Soprano characters relating to the coronavirus.” We went ahead and transcribed the entirety of what was read aloud on the podcast — which, for continuity purposes, we can surmise was set in late March or early April. When you’re done luxuriating in this nostalgia TV bath, here’s how 34 other shows would’ve handled the pandemic, too.
PAULIE WALNUTS: Man, people call me a germaphobe. Big laugh. Now all I’ve got to say is: See, motherfuckers? And I knew some fuckin’ thing like this was going to happen. I saw the Holy Mother at Bada Bing.
TONY SOPRANO: Sports betting? Fucking gone with the wind, along with professional sports. Me and my friends are dying over here. The president might have a point. Let’s get business and manufacturing going again — by Easter, May Day, whatever the fuck.
MEADOW SOPRANO: I should’ve gone to medical school. I feel so bad about my decision.
CARMELA SOPRANO: I’m so glad my daughter didn’t go to medical school. Imagine where’d she be right now.
CHRISTOPHER MOLTISANTI: I’ve been to Hollywood. Out there they should call it the swine flu.
ADRIANA LA CERVA: I’d volunteer or something. I feel so bad. I’ve been crying a lot, but I got an underlying condition. Irritable bowel syndrome, right? I can’t reach my doctor to find out if that would exclude me passing out masks or something.
DR. MELFI: I’m on the second line over the hospital. When and if those brave docs burn out, I’m out next.
A.J. SOPRANO: At one time I wanted to work for Trump. You believe it? Fuck me, dude.
CARMELA: We’re not doing well with the quarantine in our house. It’s making me face the music that this is a dysfunctional family. But it’s keeping my husband in, which is good.
TONY: Bing fuckin’ shut down, my income stream was already compromised. We can keep the pork store open, though, essential critical infrastructure. Pork!
SILVIO DANTE: We told the girls we’d keep them all on furlough. Lap dancers were the first to go.
JUNIOR SOPRANO: What’s everybody upset about?
JOHNNY SACK: It used to be part of our thing, going to the mattresses. But this?
BOBBY BACALA: Yes, that’s all emergency. I took all this shit because I got my predictions about it wrong. They said Quasimodo, T said Nostradamus, my wife bought a Nostradamus book, and I looked and it didn’t say anything about this. Weird thing is, though, my son Robert went to Notre Dame.
JUNIOR: I saw on Fox this jerk-off, the lieutenant governor of Texas, said he didn’t mind dying to help the economy because he’s over 70 with some grandkids or some shit. Maybe we can help him out with that.
PHIL LEOTARDO: Truckload of hand sanitizer, I’m cleaning up.
TONY: In my father’s day, you got polio, tuberculous, whatever the fuck, you dealt with it. Whatever happen to Gary Cooper?
LIVIA SOPRANO: You know what I’m gonna say.