This is just a post where Diane Keaton shows you her hats. No, no scandals, no delayed shooting schedules, no celebrity breakups or movie-theater chains succumbing to the never-abating coronavirus pandemic. Just a known hat lover, loving her hats. Isn’t that enough for you? Diane Keaton, who, in films like 2018’s Book Club wears finely tailored hats even at night, even in a pool, took to Instagram on July 7 to show off her collection in a video she titled “Diane By Design: Hats” (2020, dir. Diane Keaton). In the part we’ll call “Act One,” Keaton stands in front of a rack of baseball caps and at least seven large, wooden cutting boards. She feels your pain of being in quarantine in your house with at least seven cutting boards, and with salons still unsafe to visit, she’s having a bad-hair day: “It’s pathetic. I want it erased,” she says. The solution, of course, is hats. But the baseball caps are a misdirect, a tease. These are not the hats you’re looking for.
Exeunt stage hat, and enter “Act Two,” a massive, endless table of hats (think the banquet from Pan’s Labyrinth but more felt). Here, Keaton walks you through her fantastic hats and how to wear them. Take, for example, the fourth hat in the collection, the “very wide-brimmed black hat.” As Keaton instructs, “Now see this? How about that. Now say I’m in a suit and I have a shapely figure, and now I’ve got this hat that highlights the hideous face.” We only wish QVC hosts were as candid or as chic. See also: the hat where she’s “really walking on the wild side,” which is best described as “SS20 Babadook Collection.” There’s also the “airy and breezy and summer-esque” white hat, because “sometimes when your husband comes in, you might want to surprise him with a hat. Maybe he likes you like that. You could kiss a little and maybe take it a little further. Hats are worth it!” Now someone show Keaton all those Doug Dimmadome memes on TikTok. Maybe she’ll toss her hat(s) into the ring.