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Stephen Colbert Reviews Night One of the RNC: ‘That’s Not a Political Party. That’s a Cult’

The 2020 Republican National Convention kicked off its four-day run on Monday evening, and in honor of you potentially wanting to watch literally anything else, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert is broadcasting live after each telecasts (as he did with the DNC last week) with his take on the evening’s events. Alternately, maybe you did watch tonight’s speeches and just need someone to recap them back to you so you don’t feel like you’ve completely lost touch with reality. Either way, Colbert is here with his thoughts, opinions, and Kimberly Guilfoyle–induced eardrum perforation. And, of course, his jokes, the best of which we have included below:

On the RNC’s nightly themes: “Just like the Democrats, the GOP has given each night of the convention a different theme. I believe the four nights are Famine, Pestilence, War, and Death.”

On the convention’s lack of a platform: “It was announced last night that the GOP will not write a 2020 platform. That makes sense, given how much trouble Trump has getting down from platforms.”

On the RNC’s pledge of “undying support” for Trump: “That’s not a political party. That’s a cult. ‘Welcome to the convention, everybody. Take off your masks and put on your matching Nikes and your MAGA hats, then drink up our bleach-flavored Kool-Aid. I’m marrying all the daughters. Guess which one’s first!”

On the RNC in general: “No one should have to watch this. It’s like a snake devouring the Republican Party.”

On Kimberly Guilfoyle’s high-volume “banshee” speech: “This is the first time in my life I’ve had to turn down the volume on C-SPAN. God, I’m glad we already had our kids, ’cause I think I was too close to the TV, I might have sterilized by that. Oh my God, that was a hard act to follow. Or watch.“

On Donald Trump Jr.’s keynote address: “According to one campaign aide, ‘Don Jr. represents the emotional center of the MAGA universe.’ It makes sense, because he’s like a black hole, in that he sucks. It was his ‘keynote’ address, in that it looked like he snorted a key.”

On the telecast ending five minute early and cutting to footage of the White House: “All I can say is, when it comes to Donald Trump, I hope getting out early is a trend that continues in November.”

Stephen Colbert Reviews Night 1 of the RNC: ‘That’s a Cult’