On Saturday, Robert Pattinson finally chimed in with a “haven’t you people ever heard of the Batman?” which is to say, DC and Warner Bros. released the first trailer for Matt Reeves’s The Batman and it was extremely emo. The trailer drop was a part of DC FanDome, a one-day event for the fanboys that confirmed all of the DC Cinematic Universe’s worst impulses: Aquaman 2 will ditch the Momoa franchise’s campy sea-punk merman vibes and revert to something “more serious” (boo). The trailer for the much-ballyhooed Justice League Snyder Cut was released and looks like it overcorrected for Joss Whedon’s involvement by … scrubbing it of any jokes or levity. And now we have the most emo Batman since Will Arnett’s Lego version. Emos, time to do whatever the emo version of rejoicing is. This one’s for you.
1. The black-and-red Warner Bros. logo
Oooh, edgy. Like when Scooby-Doo made the Warner Bros. logo look like Scooby’s dog tag. That’s how you knew you were getting into something twisted.
2. The color scheme
This trailer forces you to watch it in a moody room with the windows blacked-out because its visuals are so dark as to be invisible in daylight.
3. NO MORE LIES
Is this a Gotham City political assassination, or was this written on the girls’ bathroom door in Red Sharpie by the kid who had an Emily the Strange backpack?
4. The Kurt Cobain of it all
Pattman’s a true Nirvana fan. He didn’t buy Nevermind just so he could replay the singles. He’s walking out to “Something in the Way.” That’s the last track on the record. You’ve probably never heard of it.
5. Are those Doc Martens?
Batman enters the scene in Docs and a duster (it’s probably a cape, but I want to pretend it’s a duster).
6. LIES, man
Someone call the Joker because there’s political angst afoot and it’s time to unleash the werewolf.
7. This cryptic greeting card
This Zodiac-ass message is written on a Halloween greeting card with a spooky skellington on the front. We’ve seen the Nightmare Before Christmas aisle at Hot Topic; we know how much emos love a cartoon skeleton.
8. “To the BatMaN”
Salad Fingers wrote this.
9. This gothic funeral
They found the absolutely most haunted, cursed-spirited, abandoned old church in which to hold a funeral. This absolutely dark-sided cathedral is where you hold a funeral when you want to send someone’s soul business-class-no-layovers directly to Hell.
10. Brooding in the rain
He’s not crying. There’s just rain on his face.
11. This caked foundation
These ex-juggalos are mad as hell and they’re not gonna take it anymore!
12. Library fight
Pattman is sensitive. He has a study like in Beauty and the Beast. He keeps the lights off because he doesn’t want to actually read, just cry and fight.
13. The terror-hearse says “DOA”
DO YOU GET IT???
14. Pattman’s Batman voice
He’s vengeance, bitch!
15. THE GUYLINER!
Why does Batman look like a Death Note OC? Gerard Way wishes.