goop mythology 101

Gwyneth Paltrow Poses Nude, Is Possibly a Wood Nymph

Gwyneth Paltrow, clothed but in obvious wood-nymph attire. Photo: Bertrand Rindoff Petroff/Getty Images

We now know Gwyneth Paltrow’s secret to looking so amazing and serene, and it’s not that her company keeps an orgasm guru on retainer. On September 27, the 48-year-old actress and wellness mastermind posted a birthday photo that doubled as smart spon-con, posing totally nude in a sun-dappled glen in a tasteful SFW Botticelli stance. In the caption, Paltrow wrote that she was in “nothing but my birthday suit” and feeling great, all thanks “to @goop’s insanely amazing brand new body butter.” It’s exceedingly easy to call this half-truth out for what it is, because we all know there’s a whole lot more that goes into a celebrity’s beauty than just body butter, and we can only come to one obvious conclusion: Gwyneth Paltrow is a wood nymph.

The secret to Paltrow’s eternal beauty cannot merely be explained by cold-water therapy and green juice. What Gwyn is really telling us with this picture is that she’s a mythical deity of the forest tied to all things growing and good, and although she may not be immortal, she will live much longer than humans. Nymphs sagely hold the wisdom of the woods, which would explain why Paltrow is able to market an organic, all-natural plain white T-shirt for $95. Nymphs are magic, which would explain how Paltrow was able to turn her orgasm into a scented candle. Nymphs sing enchanted siren melodies, which would explain Country Strong.

Although many celebrities in the comments have praised Paltrow’s brave and gorgeous confession (Matthew Morrison and Josh Gad seemed particularly excited by the pic), there are some Keepers of the Secret who are not pleased that Paltrow has revealed her secret. Take her daughter, Apple, who just commented “MOM.” Only a wood nymph’s daughter, a true mythical child of the earth, would be named Apple.

Gwyneth Paltrow Poses Nude, Is Possibly a Wood Nymph