election 2020

What Could the New ‘Tools to Maintain Order’ at the Debates Possibly Be?

Plenty of room in the middle for an alligator pit. Photo: OLIVIER DOULIERY/POOL/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

So about last night. Terms like “shitshow,” “dumpster fire,” and “train wreck” were tossed around about the first 2020 presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. Mandy Patinkin called it a “clusterfuck of one man’s impropriety, bestial behavior, inability to listen, to give any decency to another human being’s questions or answers from the opponent.” Cher tweeted that “rump Seemed More Like … ‘THE JOKER’ Than ‘THE PRESIDENT’ sorry Joaquin.” But if you missed it, don’t worry. There are still two more of these to go, and according to the Associated Press, the Commission on Presidential Debates is developing new “tools to maintain order” in the upcoming debates. Gee, we sure wish it thought of the concept of maintaining order before the first debate in this democracy-cosplay series. These “tools to maintain order” must be pretty advanced to compete with Trump’s constant interrupting, name calling, and lies. We brainstormed some new tools that can help curb going over the two-minute allotments, stop any lies and interjections in their tracks, discourage the two from talking over one another, and embolden future moderators to cut the debaters off:

  • Tasers
  • A trap door beneath the podiums
  • Mother from Raised by Wolves screaming if you go over time
  • Cattle prod
  • Matt Berry yanks you off the stage with a big hook
  • Vulcan death grip
  • A strict school librarian sitting at a big desk in the corner shushing you when if you get too loud
  • The blood bucket from Carrie
  • Oscar-style walkoff music that rises every few seconds after two minutes. Make it “Fight Song.”
  • A talking stick
  • The magic conch
  • Those TikTok kindergarten teachers showing their kids how to mute themselves on Zoom
  • Stickers for good behavior
  • Whatever new methods Ellen has devised to scare people on Ellen’s Game of Games
  • Literally any teacher any of us ever had in middle school
  • You have to raise your hand and wait to be called on
  • 30-50 feral hogs
  • Judge Judy moderates
  • Snarky Marky saying “the volume inside of this bus is ASTRONOMICAL”
  • The goose from Untitled Goose Game with a knife
  • I think there was a parrot who was removed from a zoo because it was teaching all the other birds to curse. He would be good.
  • If you want more time for your debate answer, you have to run through a supermarket to find specially marked items
  • Let Fergie scat the national anthem before the debate. They’ll never get to it.
  • Every lie summons Cardi B, fact-checker
  • Blue Ivy just runs to the podium and covers your mouth
  • Cut the mic and replace the audio with Debbie Reynolds singing “Singin’ in the Rain” from just behind the curtain
  • If you have crossed a final line in behavior, you are replaced by the Great British Bake-Off fondant-cake version of yourself
  • Jimmy Fallon’s interrupting children
  • Replace Trump’s mic with one of these and see if he notices
  • Or, you know, a mute button
What Could the New Debate Tools to ‘Maintain Order’ Be?