Season five of Below Deck: Mediterranean has been a unique shitshow in the Bravo universe over the past 20 weeks, and, for once, the pandemic had nothing to do with it. From the beginning, this season of television was seemingly cursed when Bravo cut ties with (lead) deckhand Pete Hunziker for racist and misogynist social-media posting after just three episodes had aired.
But that was only the start of the problems in a season that also featured three proper crew departures, including Hannah Ferrier, the series’ longtime star chief stew, for having undeclared drugs on the yacht. Not to mention the multiple messy crew relationships that emerged over the season — none of which have survived, as if we need to point that out. In the name of cataloguing just how difficult this season was to endure, here is an exhaustively detailed list of 87 signs that Below Deck: Med season five was a sinking ship.
1. Pete introduced himself as a “total unit.” When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
2. Jess told Rob their babies would have blue eyes just hours after meeting him.
3. Jess didn’t know how much tequila to put in a margarita. Thankfully, the guests didn’t mind her strong pour.
4. Pete started calling Malia, his boss, “sweetheart” on day one.
5. Lara and Hannah started arguing not even 12 hours into the first charter.
6. Neither Kiko, nor Lara, nor Jess knew what eggs over easy meant. Now how many of them made it through the season?
7. Hannah and Lara had a blowup over crew dishes, culminating in Hannah telling Lara, “Lady, don’t touch me!” What was that about Lara not having time to argue?
8. Lara insinuated that she could run interior better than Hannah two days into the season.
9. Malia threatened to demote Pete from lead deckhand during the first charter.
10. Lara had a meeting with Hannah just to tell Hannah she was pissing her off. And Sandy was able to resolve the situation for all of, what, six hours?
11. Hannah shit-talked Lara to Malia on their first night out within earshot of Lara.
12. Lara left the morning of the second charter. After she told Sandy, she wouldn’t even get back on the boat. Was she ever really even there anyway?
13. Ace of Base guitarist Ulf Ekberg, a possible former neo-Nazi, was a charter guest.
14. Bravo fired Pete for racist and misogynist social-media posts.
16. Pete broke a bunch of glass and made a mess of the crew’s first beach picnic. At least we got a new villain.
17. By the second charter, Sandy was already calling Jess out for problems with the laundry.
18. Bugsy returned as Lara’s replacement. As Bravo previously reminded us approximately 23 times, she thought Hannah was “a lousy chief stew” on season two.
19. Primary guest Justin Thornton’s friend Leon didn’t get his oysters.
20. Hannah went to bed at 6:30 a.m. the first night of Justin Thornton’s charter. And you wonder why she had the Valium and CBD!
21. Justin Thornton invited four friends to his six-course dinner, making that 12 guests and 72 plates for poor Kiko.
22. “Shameless Pete” sexually harassed Bugsy after her first charter onboard. At least he got demoted from lead deckhand and we stopped having to see so much of him on the show. But Pete apologizing to Bugsy “if” he said anything uncomfortable is sign No. 22 1/2.
23. Jess smashed her finger in a door and broke it.
24. One of the charter guests was vegan. The audacity!
25. The Wellington’s fruit juice was, by charter guest Giancarlo’s assessment, just as “disgusting” as the rest of the juice in Europe.
26. Kiko ran out of those magic mushrooms the guests kept wanting. And he put off dinner until more arrived: a few measly cartons of white button mushrooms?
27. Jess couldn’t understand Bugsy’s accent — and started a fight with Bugsy over it, something she can’t control. Sandy helpfully told Jess she just needed to “adjust” her ears.
28. After being served bad juice and raw fish, Bernardo and Giancarlo got the slowest breakfast service ever on their last day.
29. Sandy told Hannah she seemed “resigned” after their fourth charter. Although not fired, yet.
30. Malia had to rescue a guest! (But everyone was fine.)
31. Hannah told Kiko to make truffle fries and nachos for his Vegas dinner instead of shrimp cocktail and bruschetta. Kiko took this as instruction to fry everything he could find in the galley. The guests somehow survived the night.
32. Sandy didn’t even have to fire Kiko because he offered to leave after that deep-fried nightmare. Then he cried himself to sleep.
33. Hannah had a 4 a.m. panic attack after Kiko’s disastrous Vegas meal and asked her roommate, Malia, for her Valium.
34. Sandy had the nerve to ask Kiko to keep cooking after he was effectively fired. And Kiko, like the hero that he is, did.
35. Rob told Jess “I love you” after, what, three weeks?
36. Malia “rapped” for the guests.
37. Hannah left the club early after she was the seventh wheel to Jess and Rob, Bugsy and Alex, and now Malia and Tom. She treated herself to curry and TV in bed instead.
38. Hannah was too sick to go to the beach club on the crew’s day off. Everyone thought she was being unprofessional and not wanting to hang out without Kiko, but really it was the curry!
39. Malia rallied for cabin changes when the person who arranges cabins was conveniently absent.
40. Hannah told Malia she wouldn’t change cabins because she and Bugsy didn’t want to room with each other. Of course, Malia went to Sandy, and, of course, Sandy said yes.
41. As she was moving out of their room, Malia conveniently noticed that Valium Hannah mentioned a few days before, arranged it next to her CBD pen, snapped a photo, and sent it to Sandy hours later. But tell me again about maritime law?
42. Sandy had a meeting with Hannah about her “drugs” — which, let’s get this straight, were five-milligram Valium pills and a CBD pen. And she followed Hannah to the bathroom like she was going to flush some Valium!
43. In the name of “protocol” and “disciplinary action” and “maritime law,” Captain Sandy fired Hannah after four and a half charter seasons together. At least Hannah left with her Valium.
44. But Sandy couldn’t let Hannah leave without following her to the dock just to tell her that, even if she didn’t have to follow maritime law, she personally wouldn’t want Hannah to keep working on the boat.
45. Tom served three meats for his first meal, one of which was veal. For lunch!
46. The Martinezes kept forcing the crew to move the foot-long dildo they brought on charter.
47. Tom had to make a chocolate cake with only half a day’s notice. Sure, it looked pretty, but it had more anger in it than any cake should.
48. Tom left shells in the guests’ oysters and served them “raw” lobster, which was actually just poached in butter.
49. Rob wasn’t listening to Malia while putting away the slide but had the nerve to complain about Malia calling him a “fucker.” Malia’s suggestion? “Don’t be one then.” And during it all, Rob called someone “bru.”
50. Tom served poached chicken after the guests complained about the poached lobster, and, on cue, the guests complained once more.
51. Rob decided to go to Bali with Jess and wanted to make a big deal out of telling her. Then he had Bugsy plan the whole thing for him.
52. Johnny Damon returned to Sandy’s yacht after last season, when his food was subpar and not hot and he almost fought a drunk stranger. This time, he wouldn’t even have Hannah around, but at least Aesha came back.
53. Aesha told us she and Jack broke up shortly after the end of last season because he cheated on her.
53. Tom couldn’t understand baseball.
54. Adena, one of Johnny Damon’s guests who was also with the Queen of Versailles last season, was drunk and falling over before their first afternoon.
55. Rob’s ex-girlfriend started texting him, putting him in a mood in front of the rest of the crew.
56. Shanna, a friend of Johnny Damon’s wife, Michelle, accused Michelle of wearing Spanx. Michelle then accused Shanna of having a “fucking annoying” voice.
57. As she was bound to, Jess found out that Rob’s ex was texting him and made a big deal about it.
58. Jess had heart palpitations after going out on a Jet Ski. But don’t worry, Sandy took her blood pressure three times and texted her cardiologist friend, just to be safe.
59. Rob overslept, then went on about how it’s not okay to oversleep.
60. Rob then messed up throwing the lines three times while docking. “Everyone’s allowed to make a mistake,” he told Malia after he heard her gossiping to Bugsy. But she corrected him — he made three mistakes.
61. Rob talked to Aesha. Jess registers this as flirting.
62. Jess and Rob argued at dinner because Rob couldn’t remember something. The rest of the crew just watched and murmured about them.
63. Jess fought with Rob for a third time in one day at the club — this time because he talked to Aesha again.
64. Rob and Jess argued again the next morning, with Rob telling Jess that maybe he’s not enough for her.
65. Tom must not have been enough for Malia, who hinted that she was single in a September 13 Instagram post.
66. Primary guest Eric Cotsen’s preference sheet said he likes his coffee like his women: “hot.”
67. The bow thrusters stopped working for a few minutes. If only we knew what that meant!
68. The crew lost to the guests in ultimate frisbee and had to wear Speedos at dinner. Or, a bigger sign: The guests wanted to play ultimate frisbee with the crew.
69. Sandy woke Tom up to cut a cucumber. When Aesha came down and offered to help cut an avocado, he made her cry — then told her to “calm down with the waterworks.”
70. During some poor guests’ dinner, Rob and Jess had a “cigarette” on the bow that turned into them making out on top of each other. When Malia told them to stop, they couldn’t have looked more guilty.
71. Sandy bugged Tom in the galley the day after she woke him up to cut that cucumber. But let’s not forget that Tom was still mad a day later about one cucumber.
72. Eric “joked” that he wasn’t tipping the crew. After they played ultimate frisbee with him!
73. At dinner, Bugsy says there’s no sexual tension between her and Alex. (Meanwhile, Jess and Rob were consummating their boatmance back on the Wellington.)
74. Tom got warm seafood from the provisioners, but Malia was the one to go to Sandy about it.
75. Between episodes, Malia confirmed on Instagram that she broke up with Tom — and that she’s not gay, contrary to what Sandy might have said on Cameo.
75. The provisioners gave Tom frozen fish, and he yelled at Captain Sandy about it. In a rare move, Sandy yelled back; in a rarer one, she cried during their pre-charter meeting, ahead of their final charter.
76. One of our mom guests came aboard with a broken arm from … parkour.
77. Rob talked to one of the guests while treating her jellyfish sting, which Jess also mistook for flirting.
78. Jess saw Aesha’s hand accidentally brush Rob’s ass during a group photo with the guests and accused Aesha of purposefully touching Rob’s ass. Notice that this does not say “Aesha touched Rob’s ass” because that’s not what happened.
79. After all that outing confusion, Sandy and Malia seemingly made up and united around shit-talking Hannah some more.
80. Rob assured us he has a “sensitive bum” and would’ve noticed someone touching it. Uh, thanks?
81. Rob told Jess she’s “jealous and overreacting.”
82. Tom served a guest beef who doesn’t eat beef, after serving that same guest bacon when she doesn’t eat pork. His excuse? Too many preference sheets.
83. There was a looong groundline in the way of the boat’s final docking.
84. Jess told Rob they should “be single tonight” ahead of their final night out, then proceeded to want to be anything but on the actual night out.
85. The last batch of charter guests were at the same club as the crew.
86. Rob left with Jess and went to Bali, hours after telling her he was going on the crossing. Then, Jess said on Watch What Happens Live, he tried to get out of the Bali trip again before they even left.
87. Aesha fully quit yachting after finishing her two weeks on the Wellington. Malia, meanwhile, might be coming back for season six. And we thought this season was bad?