Stars. They’re just like us. They throw 40th birthday parties on private islands for their inner circle to feel “normal” again. They reveal they had COVID and then go on Ellen to defend their sister for throwing a birthday party on a private island amid a global pandemic. And their husbands get them holograms of their deceased relatives to celebrate their birthday. Yes, you read that correctly. While (kind of?) running for President of the United States, Kanye West gifted his wife, Kim Kardashian, with a hologram of her late father Robert Kardashian, who died in 2003 of esophageal cancer, to celebrate her 40th birthday. How… thoughtful?
Depending on your comfort level with AI and literal ghosts, the hologram version of Robert Kardashian is either the sweetest or spookiest sight you’ll see All Hallow’s Weekend. In his message from the great beyond, hologram Robert Kardashian showers Kim with love and affection. “Kim, you’re 40 and all grown up,” begins the spectre, wearing a tan suit and speaking from a black and sparkly void seemingly devoid of time and space. “You look beautiful just like when you were a little girl.” Ok. Hologramatic Robert goes on to say that he “drops hint” that he’s around, like whenever Kim hears someone “make a big peefee” or, in turn, makes “a big peefee” herself, which is definitely a code word for a bodily function within the Kardashian family that requires the nation’s top scientists full attention to decode (Sorry, COVID can wait). Eventually, hologram Robert Kardashian sings and dances to Barry Mann’s “Who Put The Bomp,” putting the hall of animatronic Presidents at Disney World to shame.
Somehow, the most bizarre moment of the Twitter perfect two minute and twenty second clip happens when Robert Kardashian speaks about Kanye West, aspiring leader of the free world. After talking about how proud he was of Kim’s success as a businesswoman, her pride at being Armenian, and her decision to continue his legacy as one of O.J. Simpson’s lawyers and become a lawyer herself, hologram Robert talks about Kim’s devotion to her family and her husband, the genius Kanye West. “You married the most, most, most, most, most genius man in the whole world, Kanye West,” says Robert, matter-of-factly. “You are the most, most, most, most amazing mother to your four beautiful children, and they are perfect.” While it’s obviously not a competition, Robert the Hologram gave Kanye West five “mosts,” while he gave his daughter, Kim, only four “mosts.” Considering that this was Kanye’s gift to Kim, one must wonder whether the allotment of “mosts” aligns with what the deceased Robert Kardashian would have wanted or whether Kanye took some liberties with the script and whether humans were ever even meant to put their own words into dead people’s bodies… but I digress.
Kim, was clearly touched by the gift, sharing it with her followers on social media before live tweeting the latest episode of the penultimate season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, because Kim is nothing if not a gorgeous woman with shrewd business acumen. “For my birthday, Kanye got me the most thoughtful gift of a lifetime,” she tweeted. “A special surprise from heaven. A hologram of my dad. It is so lifelike! We watched it over and over, filled with emotion.” While Keeping Up With The Kardashians has a season and a half left, I think society now has its answer to the central question of the show. No, we cannot keep up with the Kardashians. The Kardashians have private islands soirees and holograms of their dead relatives. We have face masks and seasonal depression mixed economic depression with some isolation depression sprinkled on top because we are (mostly) poor and (mostly) still quarantining. We are not the same. Nevertheless, good for Kim for finding a way to enjoy her birthday in this the most, most, most, most, most terrible, dystopian year in recent memory. A private island bash and a hologram? Not bad for a girl with no talent.