This year has broken so many of us, but perhaps none in more delightful a fashion than Food Network TV host and James Beard Award winner Alton Brown. On the eve of Election Day, Brown appears to have sublimated his rage and anxiety into a deranged food rant, which he shared with his 4 million Twitter followers, starting with, “So many Food Network people are like ‘oh, I’m going to braise short ribs in elderberry jam …’ Screw that, I’m going to mainline moon pies and snort cheese powder!” A curious fan asked which cheese, to which Brown replied, “IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER!” Fair enough. He continued, “YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT CRAZY LOOKS LIKE? I’VE GOT MARSHMALLOW FLUFF AND THREE FEET OF GARDEN HOSE! YOU WANNA DANCE?” At one point, a follower asked if it was time for “a wellness check,” but Brown insisted, “I’M FINE.” He later added, “Turn off the lights and run 23 Slim Jims through the juicer,” along with the ominous message, “I want you to go out right now and buy Fritos and cat food.” Whether you choose to read it as prescriptive or as prose poetry, Brown’s full thread is below.
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