Up until this point, you have probably been tripping blithely through life under the naïve assumption, “certainly actress and Flower Beauty founder Drew Barrymore understands how birdhouses work.” You would think this, probably, because birdhouses seemingly aren’t a complex technology. The word “work” does not even apply to a birdhouse, really. A birdhouse just is. And certainly Drew Barrymore gets that. Right? No. You are so wrong, you fool. Drew Barrymore has no clue how birdhouses work. They confound her. On the Friday, November 13 episode of The Drew Barrymore Show, guest Danny Seo came on for “Craft Week” to do a fun and easy birdhouse-decorating craft with Drew. Seo even suggested she could do this as a children’s birthday-party activity, it’s so simple. The steps are basically: Buy a fully intact birdhouse, and then cut up a children’s book and glue it onto the birdhouse. That’s the whole craft.
But before Seo can demonstrate it, Barrymore has to get something off her chest. Pointing to the birdhouse bird-hole, she says, “What bird is fitting in there? Why are birdhouse holes so small? Does the bird become liquid when it goes through these? Because I don’t get it. And it’s every birdhouse. The openings are literally the size of a quarter.” Does the bird become liquid, she wants to know. She wants to know if birds have Terminator powers. Seo tries to move on with the project, saying, “I think they can fit, we’re not talking pigeons or seagulls.” But Barrymore is distraught about the size of these bird-holes, imploring, “But every birdhouse has really small holes!” Barrymore isn’t wrong. Birdhouses must be for pretty small birds. As she says, “I need to know because every time I stare at it, it gives me anxiety. Like, do they have to force themselves through there?” Points were made. We will never be able to look at a birdhouse the same way again. Their too-small holes will haunt us forever.