Full disclosure: We cannot in good faith share this video of Britney Spears making a sandwich without warning of the possibility that if you do in fact watch it, Ringu will happen. There is a deeply dark-sided energy haunting this cooking tutorial, which Spears posted to Instagram late on Monday, April 26, with a caption that just begins, forebodingly, “I did it guys …” What she “did” was release the spiritual, emotional, and aesthetic opposite to The Food Network, something that advances the form of cooking videos, a recipe tutorial with real tension. Or as the rest of her Insta caption puts it, “I recreated the meanest sandwich 🥪 known to mankind !!!! Now where’s my trophy 🏆 ???? PS I meant pecans not almonds !!!!” Let’s dig in.
The 90-second video is run through a vintage filmstock filter that reminds the viewer of an old, silent hostage video, or maybe Piss Christ. Spears says she’s “going to make my first delicacy sandwich,” and we’re already hooked because we love a good delicacy. Spears gives some context, about how “fifteen years ago, I used to go to a place in New York City called Schlotsky’s Deli Sandwiches,” which a Google search reveals is less of a New York–y local spot and more of a national chain based in Austin, Texas that used to have a location in Midtown. If you’re not impressed, think again, because Spears says, “it was literally God to me.” Literally God! She says that for the past fifteen years she’s been in search of a sandwich just like that, and that in this video, she will aim to recreate that elusive sando, just in time for summer. Someone please tell her there are two Schlotsky’s locations in Las Vegas. But in the meantime …
Step One: Start with Britney’s “favorite type of bread, it’s called artisan ciabatta.” Heard of it!
Step Two: Mix “almonds” (actually pecans, check the caption) with goat cheese for some “really, really good flavor.” Britney will demonstrate the best way to chop a pecan, which is to hold a knife by its very tippy-tip, and at a great distance from the table, see if you can make contact with the pecan with your knife’s opposite end. It’s harder than it looks, and she makes it look very hard.
Step Three: This filter is maybe the least-flattering one for food photography, and it renders this bowl of mystery ingredient sort of scary, but it’s just shredded chicken and turkey. Health!
Step Four: Avocado and lettuce. Normal!
Step Five: Step five is “sheared pear. You would think that that would be really odd. It looks like fish. But it’s not. It’s very, very sweet, and adds something like a really different taste to the sandwich.” How does one shear a pear?
Step Six: The final step is plating, which amounts to making the tiniest little corner of sandwich you’ve ever seen outside of high tea and arranging it with a smidgen of fruit salad. “I’ve made a tiny sandwich. A little goes a long way,” Spears says. “You don’t need a huge sandwich for the summertime. Something kind of small and French will do it for me.” Bone apple tea!