America’s only true sport is back. One that stands for athleticism, sportsmanship, and dignity. One that brings the nation together to take sweet succor from feats of peak physical performance. Holey Moley, the extreme-miniature-golf show on ABC, is returning for a third season on Thursday, June 17. Last season was called Holey Moley II: The Sequel, so naturally, its follow-up is Holey Moley 3D in 2D, a name that aptly applies to everyone watching at home except for those freaks with 3-D TVs. Stephen Curry, an athlete best known for his passion for mini-golf, returns to host this season, and commentators Rob Riggle and Joe Tessitore are back to explain what on golf’s green earth is going on while contestants zipline, fall into bodies of water, and evade literal fire in the name of getting balls in holes and winning a $250,000 prize. That’s more than everyone outside of the top three made at this year’s U.S. Women’s Open. No competition series commits harder to the bit, and we respect that. And lucky for you, we have exclusive pics of this season’s newest, shiniest, freshly buffed and waxed holes, each with a premise more ridiculous than the last. Innuendo? Maybe in your endo, friendo. This is just good, clean, American mini-golf. Now get a load of these holes.
Agony of Defeat
Because last season’s Slip-N-Putt ice slide wasn’t enough, this season there will be a full-on ski-jump level, where golfers plummet down a hill, off a ski jump, and into a body of water. “How is this golf?” you ask? You fool. “The Golfer that goes the greatest distance gets the better ball position at turf on the other side,” duh.
Golfers will putt their balls across the big wave and avoid the sand trap. Straightforward, right? No. After making the putt, they have to hop on a surfboard “propelled by an underwater track” and try not to fall in the water, lest they get a penalty shot. Isn’t this what Summer Biathlon is? Golf and surfing? (It’s not any stranger than actual Biathlon: cross-country skiing while shooting a gun.)
Ah, that trusty thematic standby of mini-golf courses everywhere: dinosaur stuff. This one’s got mud in it!
Not to be confused with “parkade,” the Canadian term for a multilevel parking structure, this one’s a real v-lap for Holey Moley: a life-size pinball machine with holes inspired by past seasons’ courses (shoutout to rubber ducky). Golfers will treat their golf ball like a pinball while trying not to get swatted down by the flippers. This one’s for real heads only.
The Fishing Hole
No, this isn’t a cursed pic from an abandoned Five Nights at Freddy’s water park. This is a hole that’s apparently sponsored by “Takemefishing.org” to promote fishing … presumably by showcasing how much more relaxing it would be than competing on Holey Moley.
Okay, I was hoping golfers would actually have to get married on the course, but instead they’re putting their balls down the aisle and jumping through a wedding ring into a cake. Perhaps the most sacred of this season’s holes.
Ho Ho Hole
Because they always have to fit a zipline in there somehow, this one is “Santa’s sleigh” themed. At the other end, players will have to slide down the North Pole. So yes, this course is both as festive and as sultry as its name suggests.
Golfers will get clobbered by this cob as popcorn shoots out of it, propelled by air cannons, to knock them into a big bowl o’ kernels. We’re pretty sure this was a Cutthroat Kitchen obstacle.
Like Homer Simpson’s doughnut hell but with golf.
Dutch Courage En Fuego
In our eyes, last season’s Double Dutch Courage is Holey Moley’s flagship course, a succinct twist on a familiar motif. After golfers putt their balls through the windmills, they too have to make it through without getting absolutely smacked down by a blade. But network TV is always innovating, so this time around they lit that shit on fire.
King Parthur’s Court
“After putting, one at a time, Golfers mount a (mechanical) horse and face off against a jousting knight in order to cross the pool and reach the Green.” And based on the image provided, they have to do it in front of an audience of rabid furries.
You cheeky monkeys. This is a family show! Name aside, this one — “If they can successfully […] slide down to its foam eggs, they receive no penalty” — sounds like H.R. Giger designed it.