Last night, at the 145th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, some sort of 3-in-1 Mop ’N’ Sweep Roomba System took home the coveted Best in Show title, beating all of the dogs. If there is one thing we’ve learned from movies about dogs winning big sports championships, it’s that a) the dog has to actually in fact be a dog and not, like, a pumpkin made of wigs or whatever this was, and b) the sport is usually something like soccer or beach volleyball. You know, something normal for a dog to do. So it must have come as a surprise when Wasabi the Pekingese, which must be one of those fancy long-hair guinea pig breeds, beat out other perfectly real types of dog, like English Setter and Clumber Spaniel and Westminster first-time breed Belgian Laekenois, which is prized “for guarding linens set out in the field to dry.” Wasabi the Pekingese, on the other hand, looks like he threw himself in with the laundry to tumble dry. During the final judging, the commentator said that the judge would be looking at Wasabi for the breed’s “regal bearing and distinctive rolling gait.” That’s a polite way of saying waddle. As he straight up struggles to move, the look in his beady little eyes says, “You turned wolves into this on purpose.”
Congratulations to this creature!