Every Question I Had While Watching The Kissing Booth 3

How long is this movie? The Kissing Booth 3 is only 18 minutes shorter than The Green Knight. Photo: Marcos Cruz/Netflix

The Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe exists on a surreal version of Planet Earth populated by human beings who stan kissing booths, iPhones that don’t save any messages, high-school students who appear to be in their 30s, and Dance Dance Revolution competitions, and where there’s zero evidence of a global pandemic or climate change. So my relationship to the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe ahead of the release of The Kissing Booth 3 was comparable to the situation facing a made man trying to leave the Mafia to pursue his dream of screenwriting: Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.

And now, finally, at long last, I can breathe. The Kissing Booth 3 has arrived on Netflix, and, like all the other films (a generous term) in the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe, it raises more questions than it answers. This blog, best read while watching The Kissing Booth 3, presents all of those questions so you don’t have to ask them yourself — from “Does this movie have any kissing booths?” to “Does this movie have contrived conflict?” Let the ride begin.

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Is this Big Little Lies season 3?

What is everyone’s name? I forgot.

So everyone can get into Harvard still?

Did Noah and Elle sanitize the chemistry lab after fucking in it, or do they not think about these things because they didn’t experience a global pandemic?

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People save office numbers in their phone? Am I the only person who does not do this?

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How are these people so rich?

Elle previously had the Berkeley office number saved in her phone, but now that office is calling her from an unknown number. Which seems like a plot hole but also leads me to ask, What kind of brave person picks up a call from an unknown number?

Is there anyone in Elle’s life who can tell her that her major life choices don’t have to revolve around two mediocre white men?

Did you know that the song playing when they go to the beach house (“Welcome Home,” by Radical Face) was also used in an episode of The Blacklist starring James Spader? And also did you know that NBC’s The Blacklist is still on the air? Thanks for reading these facts I just read on Wikipedia.

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I am once again asking, How are these people so rich? If any of the previous Kissing Booth movies have answered this, I chose not to absorb the information because it doesn’t actually matter.

So the premise of this movie is basically Bravo’s Summer House but with teens?

Are Lee and Elle aware that even if they did attend the same college, they would meet new people, make new friends, and probably grow apart anyway? Will they realize this by the end of the movie?

I apologize for once again asking, How did Elle get into Harvard? Will she invent a social-media platform that’s responsible for everything wrong in modern society while she’s there?

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If drinking too many glasses of milk in a short period of time can kill you, that has to mean that drinking four large Slurpees in a short period of time can kill you too. Elle and Lee should have died here.

Why am I watching this?

Does Adam Driver exist in the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe? Because Noah is Adam Driver–size.

Why hasn’t Noah broken up with Elle yet? She ignored his texts for an entire movie, accused him of cheating without solid evidence, and is now giving him wedgies and pouring ice cream all over him while he’s trying to relax by the beach.

How are these teenagers getting into bars and purchasing alcoholic beverages?

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Why would Elle come in to work unaware that she’s working a double shift? Is Elle incompetent, or is the manager incompetent? Maybe both?

Is this Twilight but with humans? Our protagonist is torn between two men, one of whom conveniently came into her life in the second movie!

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Why hasn’t Noah broken up with Elle yet? I know I asked this already, but I am asking again for dramatic effect. They are miserable, and they barely interact with each other.

Why am I watching this movie?

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Why am I still watching this?

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Noah is almost as tall as this gazebo. Why hasn’t he broken up with Elle yet?

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Who would agree to do a flash mob in any year past 2012? Instead of doing a flash mob, maybe Elle could just have shared with the entire restaurant where she got her jumpsuit so I can get it too? Has it really been so long that there are people who consider flash mobs nostalgic? Ferris Bueller taught me that life moves pretty fast, but I feel like he downplayed it a bit.

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Do Elle and Noah have anyone in their lives who can tell them that their relationship problems can easily be solved by simple communication and honesty about what they want and what they need? I guess if they did, the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe would have ended several minutes into the first movie.

Chloe is a 23-year-old woman who is better than all of these teenagers, so why is she hanging out with them?

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The jukebox looks like a little bird next to this Adam Driver–size man.

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Why hasn’t Elle left Noah for Marco based on this chain alone?

Why do Noah and Marco hate each other more than Edward and Jacob ever did? Did I miss something? Just kidding, I don’t care.

Is there going to be a kissing booth in this movie?

Oh, these people have parents? Almost forgot about them.

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Is this a personal attack?

How long is this movie? The Kissing Booth 3 is only 18 minutes shorter than The Green Knight.

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This man is a tower. This is not a question, just something I had to say.

Is Noah and Elle’s relationship more toxic than Edward and Bella’s? Yes. It’s terrifying to think about the communication skills their hypothetical baby would not possess.

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Is Marco preparing to host a self-help podcast by sending inspirational voice memos to his non-platonic friend?

Is Chloe a person from the real world sent to the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe to make sure Elle is okay?

I am once again asking, Where are the kissing booths? There should be at least three.

Is Elle finally realizing that her life doesn’t have to revolve around two boys? I literally never thought this would happen without therapy.

Is this movie not over even though the protagonist has figured out that she needs to work on herself before being consumed by a boring relationship? Interesting.

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Is the fact that iPhones don’t save previous messages the only constant in the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe?

Did Molly Ringwald get paid $10 million to show up for a few scenes she could do in her sleep? I hope so.

In the Kissing Booth Cinematic Universe, does going to college mean you’ll never see anyone you know ever again?

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Sorry for asking one of these again, but is this Love, Actually (2003)?

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Was Emmy nominee Joey King too busy to sit for this photo? This looks like someone else.

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If Lee Ann Womack asked this man if he feels small when he stands beside the ocean, would he say no?

Has Elle been into video games and sports this whole time?

So there was a Dance Dance Revolution machine in The Kissing Booth 3 but no kissing booth(s)? Okay! This is my final question.

Oh, there’s the kissing booth.

Every Question I Had While Watching The Kissing Booth 3