America’s Royal Baby Is Born

Photo: David Crotty/Patrick McMullan via Getty Image

Jost to the world!

Scarlett Johansson and Colin Jost’s love made flesh, a.k.a. the Jostchild, a.k.a. Jost in the Shell, has been born unto this world, just as the prophecy foretold. People reported today that the birth was confirmed to them by Johansson’s rep, although no birthdate nor name has been shared with the public. The story of the Jostchild’s birth was given added import and drama by Deadline, who also reported today that when Disney made their public statement admonishing Johansson for her Black Widow lawsuit on July 29, “Johansson was at that moment in the hospital in labor.” Of course it’s a Leo.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT UPDATE!!! 3:45 P.M.: You guys, you guys. They named the baby Cosmo. He is a boy, making him an official JohansSON, and his name is Cosmo. Like a drink, or a Kramer, or a Fairly Odd Parent. Colin Jost made the announcement in an Instagram post that says, “Ok ok we had a baby His name is Cosmo We love him very much.” There’s also a very funny second slide that says, “For all inquiries please contact our publicist @chethinks,” Michael Che’s handle. Jost tagged the post #wegotawaywithitforalongtime, #nokidspolicy, and, in the spirit of chaos most befitting bringing a Jostchild unto the Earth, #we’regoingtodisneyworld.

America’s Royal Baby Is Born