Late night was nasty this week! Remember when Janet Jackson got a pasty-covered tiddy? People got so mad that The Simpsons had to stop showing Homer’s ass. A cartoon ass! Society has changed. The OnlyFans news broke the dam wide. The porn company said “We’re not making porn anymore!” and the absurdity of the situation broke our brains. Then they said “jk,” and we got to revel in the fact that, yes, people want — nay, demand! — explicit content nowadays.
I wonder if this puerile revelry was a reaction to Afghanistan. That story has no upside: We did a bad job, and leaving made the bad job worse, but staying would have made it worse-worse. When the other big stories are either (1) a generation-defining failure of international policy, or (2) the entire planet’s imminent collapse, yeah, we’re gonna talk about dongs.
5. Jason Momoa Showed Nip on The Late Late Show
Jason Momoa, in his infinite wisdom, realized that the only way to generate the intimacy of a hug over Zoom was to get a tit out. When Momoa came on The Late Late Show, James Corden lamented that he couldn’t get a classic Momoa hug. To compensate, Momoa first hugged the camera. Then he popped a boobie out for all of CBS to see. Often when watching Corden’s Late Late Show, one gets a vibe of Is anyone watching this before it goes out? It’s a truly bonkers viewing experience, like early Space Ghost: Coast to Coast but on CBS every night. Anyway, thanks for the tit meat, Momoa.
4. Amber Ruffin Schools the White Celebs in Song
Okay, this one is literal filth, but I think it counts. The Amber Ruffin Show did a new jack swing–inflected R&B song about how the white celebs need to wash their kids. And we can all agree on that! Even if this segment isn’t as explicit as the others on this list, we can appreciate how “booties” is rhymed with “bleu cheese,” and how sparkly Ruffin’s jacket is.
3. Nick Jonas Gets Lubed Up on Kimmel
“Lube me up,” Nick Jonas said to Joe. No, it’s not a line from the most upsetting RPF ever, it’s part of Niall Horan’s special golf tournament for pop-star boys. Jimmy Kimmel Live is still being helmed by non-Kimmel randos, and it has given the show a very odd flavor, like mystery-flavor Dum Dums. (Side note, did you know those are made by putting one flavor on top of another in the assembly line? They don’t clean the Dum Dum machine in between flavors; rather, they do “mystery” flavors that use the last of one batch with the first of another.) Noted club comic Horan hosted a Kimmel episode this week, which included a segment where Horan and the Jonas Bros had to play golf with weird handicaps. Nick Jonas had to lube his club up, as if for insertion. And thus we all had to hear Nick ask his brother to “lube him up.” I’m having Tumblr flashbacks.
2. James Corden Wants to Watch a CBS VP Fuck
We’re double-dipping in The Late Late Show this week, but they’ve been on hiatus for a long time, so they’ve got a lot of horny shit to say on TV backed up in their systems. CBS senior VP of late night, West Coast Nick Bernstein wore a face mask on the show that looked like panties, and boy howdy did everyone let him know. Hagar Ben Ari, the bassist of Reggie Watts’s band, got involved, and she is usually super taciturn. When Corden said he’d like to watch Bernstein conceive a child wearing only that mask, Bernstein had to remind everyone that he is in fact a network executive, and thus should be spared at least some dunking. Again, The Late Late Show has been the most chaotic thing on network TV that’s not, like, live coverage of a wildfire.
1. Tooning Out the News Exposes General Wesley Clark to OnlyFans
You know that scene in Clerks when Randall reads the list of porn titles to the distributor, but directly in front of a child? Tooning Out the News did that, but to the guy who ran NATO during the bombing of Yugoslavia. And unlike that scene in Clerks, I think General Wesley Clark really did have to hear all the things OnlyFans was going to ban. You can kind of see him reading along as the cartoon news anchor talks about how OnlyFans isn’t going to allow anal insertion or faux incest anymore. More respected pundits should have to hear about BDSM; it would keep them honest.
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