First things first: Did you know Ann Wilson sings Bachelor in Paradise’s theme song? It’s a nice fact. We just needed to ensure everyone knew that before launching into today’s nonsense, because the lingering drama tying Paradise denizens Brendan, Natasha, and Pieper together might not ever escape an endless loop of Instagram Story statements and shady interviews. This is our simulation now! As a brief recap, the drama began on the show’s September 6 episode when Pieper and Brendan tried, and failed, to convince their castmates that they didn’t have a romantic relationship with influencer aspirations prior to arriving at the beach. Natasha, who had been exploring a genuine relationship with Brendan, was blindsided by this revelation; Brendan and Pieper have since left the beach together to avoid a mutiny, while Natasha is now a folk hero. Brendan has also lost about 100k Instagram followers. That’s amore.
Until now, Natasha and Pieper have been peppering the media with choice pull quotes, but Brendan chose to remain silent as his followers tanked. That changed on September 16, when he released a long prerecorded video to his Instagram page, which we watched out of respect for our readers’ time. Among the revelations, he apologized to Natasha for their lack of “romantic spark” and insisted he and Pieper weren’t exclusively dating prior to reuniting in Paradise, despite the differing accounts that were televised. “I absolutely went to Paradise a single man,” Brendan explained. “As far as Pieper and I having this big, elaborate plan, I’m not the smartest person in the world, for sure, but I feel like it would have gone just a little bit better than it did if we had this plan. Of course, it went horrible in every way.” He also apologized for his “very immature and rude” remarks to Natasha at the beach and insisted that he didn’t “lead her on” while waiting for Pieper.
In response to his Paradise castmates and viewers who accused him of using his relationships to become an Instagram fame whore, Brendan insists the facts don’t add up. “If I wanted the max amount of followers, I would not have pursued Pieper or Natasha,” he offered. “I would have went after a girl with a million followers. That’s just not the case. Everyone saying I’m there for TV and all that stuff is just ironic and silly, as they’re mic’d up and in an interview with a camera in their face saying that I’m there for TV, but fully understanding that they’re speaking to a camera that’s going to air their words on TV.” Brendan concluded, as a final apology, “I just want everyone to know that I acknowledge where I went wrong and I need to continue to work on myself as a man and learn and try to be a better person.” Whatever, go buy some more turtlenecks and think of another word for “females.”