Ranking the New Succession Posters by How Much They Have Ruined My Day

Photo: HBO

The promotional materials for the upcoming third season of Succession want you to know that the HBO drama is going to be all about taking sides this year. The Roy family — which until now was a united front, at least in its shared background of being fucked up by Logan (Brian Cox) — is now cleaved in two, with characters taking sides. In the season three trailer, Shiv (Sarah Snook) calls Kendall’s (Jeremy Strong) attempted takedown of their father a “big war.” There’s talk of being on “the side of good or evil,” even though this is billionaires we’re talking about: It’s evil versus also-evil. The promotional cast-ensemble poster, released earlier this month, shows the family cleaved in two with a literal dividing line running through the center.

Today, the official Succession Twitter account kept the “duality” theme up with character posters that paired everyone in dramatically lit, erotically charged duos. Between clue-hunting and shipping potentials, these posters have sent our whole day off the rails. What could they possibly mean? What secrets about Succession season three do they hold in their intense stares? Here they are, ranked by their life-destroying potential.

4. Shiv and Connor

Poor Shiv, stuck on the Connor poster, of all places. Could this possibly foreshadow Shiv getting shunted out of both Logan and Roy’s trust? Connor (Alan Ruck) is wearing a little American flag pin, a hint toward his political aspirations. Shiv really looks like a video-game character here, like, Brett Goldstein–level rendered. She’s also got one whole arm out of sight behind Connor’s back, better to push him under the bus with.

3. Kendall and Logan

There’s huge main-character syndrome at play in these posters, which is an internet-poisoned (RIP Vaulter) way of saying this is literally the one with the main characters on it. One could read Logan’s stance as either confident and proud or defensive, protecting himself from getting nut-tapped by one of his increasingly defiant kids. Kendall, meanwhile, is either watching behind his back out of fear or giving a passing glance at his father as he glides on past and leaves him in the dust. Ba-du-buh-bah-buh.

2. Tom and Greg

Our boys. Our handsome boys. Whereas the trick of most Succession characters is that they are not nearly as smart as they think they are, Tom Wambsgans (Matthew Macfadyen) and Cousin Greg (Nicholas Braun) front like buffoons but just might pack more punch than they let on. Here, Greg is posing like he’s in some other show; that befuddled DreamWorks face looks like it walked straight off a CBS sitcom poster. But have you noticed his hair is looking mighty corporate? Dare we say, junior executive? Tom stands behind him in his dutiful waifu position, hands uncomfortably high on Greg’s shoulders like he’s giving one of those aggressive bro-on-bro sneak-attack massages. It’s a position that feigns “support” and “having someone in your corner,” but look at that grip, and look at Tom’s death stare. He looks like a peregrine falcon with its talons out, attack-diving to steal and eat a baby goat. (Greg is baby goat.)

1. Roman and Gerri

Roman (Kieran Culkin) and Gerri (J. Smith-Cameron) are endgame. Based on the raw sexual energy of this poster alone, we’re putting our money on these two to make away with the whole company. Let Waystar Royco burn around them; let the other players eat themselves alive. Gerri’s got one finger down the collar of buttboy Roman Roy and both eyes on the fucking throne. This poster also made me look up “gerri succession married” and “what hand wedding finger,” the answers to which were “deceased spouse” and “not the one she’s wearing it on.” Damn. Why does “Silk Chiffon” start playing when I look at this picture? And why am I convinced that Roman’s not wearing anything below the waist in this picture?

Ranking New Succession Ads by How Much They Ruined My Day