paws to think

Against Vampires

I’m writing this for them. Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos by Lionsgate, Warner Bro. and Atlantic Releasing

Vampires, on the whole, are bad news. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a werewolf. I’m saying that because vampires live by drinking the blood of human beings, which should be enough to make you realize that they are actually bad.

I can understand on some level why vampires seem cool. Vampires are an immortal humanoid species that skews sexy. Even Nosferatu dresses well, and, I mean, he can simply hypnotize people into thinking so anyway. But the things that make vampires appealing to you — their hotness, their power, their affluence — are also what make them extremely evil. If time is money, a vampire is the wealthiest being on the planet. French novelist Honoré de Balzac once wrote that behind every great fortune is a great crime, and never has that been more true than in the case of a being whose continued existence requires the murder of everyone else.

Vampires also live forever, which some people seem to think is great, because I guess they really love their jobs or something? These same people tolerate all the mass murder because they think, Well, what if someday I get a shot at immortality? Then I’d want people to give me a break for my incessant need to kill. But that is classic vampire propaganda! Those bloodsuckers know that a human’s greatest fear is death, so they wave the prospect of eternal life in familiars’ faces, hoping they don’t think too hard about all the murder it takes to sustain it. But why would a vampire promote the guy who works for them into their own job? They wouldn’t. They are notoriously bad bosses.

Some vampires will try to tell you they’re “different,” that they only “suck the blood out of rats and bears and stuff.” But, like, what kind of life is that? You’re just gonna suck squirrels dry for eternity? And you know what, some bears are endangered. I resent the notion that killing animals at all should be considered a fine alternative to people. There is simply no ethical consumption in vampirism.

Now, I hear you. Werewolves kill people, too. I want to make it clear that we do so only as a last resort, when the chains we’ve used to restrain ourselves have failed. And even then, we stick to attacking shady humans who are wandering in the forest alone at night and seem really annoying. I’m not glamoring people in nightclubs, okay. Why? Because most of the time I am one of you. Sure, once a month my whole body contorts into that of a gigantic hideous beast who craves flesh, but other than that I live a pretty normal life. I have a job (I own my own mobile dog-grooming business), I drive my kids to theater day camp, and I have a loving wife who helped me build a great cage in the basement. Also, she’s a doctor. I am a lucky, lucky guy who is invested in my local community.

So the next time you indulge in one of these celebrations of the undead, consider the message you’re sending to today’s youth. Some of us are humans struggling with monsters, while others are just monsters who … AWOOOOOOO!!!! GRRRR!!! BARK BARK!!! WHERE ARE MY CHAINS?

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Against Vampires