The Oscars will really do anything to stay fresh and relevant. They’ll find a reason to drag Travis Barker’s Voldemort-looking ass onstage. They’ll make the ceremony’s theme “an ode to the Encanto TikTok song Disney didn’t submit.” And apparently, they’ll change the dress code to “Life’s a Beach!” Because either that’s what happened, or some sort of goblin that lives in a hole beneath the red carpet stole Timothée Chalamet’s shirt and Kristen Stewart’s pants when their stylists weren’t looking. The two flippy-hair goth girlies showed up to the Academy Awards looking like magicians on holiday, and they were extremely right to do so, because it’s maybe the only horny part of the proceedings so far. While Andrew Garfield wore a floppy little buttoned-up bow and Kodi Smit-McPhee dressed in his Easter best like a couple of good boys, Timmy showed up dressed as a Sailor Moon character. While others had gowns trailing the floor, Stewart showed up looking like the treasurer-elect of a queer-girl biker gang.
Do you understand what a flex it is to show up under-dressed for the event and still be the hottest one in the room? Do you see those black lacy little sleevies poking out of Timmy’s business caj jacket? And why are we reacting to the sight of Stewart’s knees and Chalamet’s extremely hairless chest like a Victorian schoolmarm clutching their pearls at the sight of a bare ankle? The Oscars may have chosen to brazenly cut the Shorts categories from this year’s broadcast … but at least we got a shorts category right here.