You know what’s played out? Saying “We need an American Girl doll who [insert hyperspecific thing here].” You know what’s cool and hip? Saying “We need a James Bond who knows a lot about trees and beans.” Comedian Joe Pera, always on trend, is one step ahead of us, there. Pera went on Late Night With Seth Meyers on July 20 to promote his comedy tour following the recent news that his show, Joe Pera Talks With You, has been canceled after three seasons on Adult Swim. But, as he says Steve Harvey famously says, “If a door closes, don’t, uh, bang on it, cause if you turn around, the hallway of life will present other doors, and if you’re banging on that one door, you can’t go down and see other doors.”
The hallway of life did indeed present itself to Pera, who broke the news that he has been cast as the next James Bond. “They needed a different angle after Daniel Craig, and now they decided: Why not a celibate American James Bond?” he says. This sexy new Bond lives in Philadelphia, eats prewrapped Boar’s Head sandwiches for breakfast and lunch, is learning to play the guitar off of YouTube, and is very afraid of dogs. He also doesn’t want his martini shaken or stirred; he’ll take an IPA. Pera showed some clips from the new film to the audience, and they’re as gripping and action-packed as you’d expect. “My name is James Bond,” he quotes a soon-to-be famous line from the movie, working title James Bond! Finally, a James Bond who knows parkour.