Every Friday in New York’s Dinner Party newsletter, senior writer Tirhakah Love plans a seating chart for the week’s main characters and asks us all to consider: Where would you sit?
Let’s get into these couples because how we feel about third-wheeling their dates with stragglers in tow? Bradley Cooper and Huma (WHOma!?) Abedin are Anna Wintour’s most recent project, as the fashion icon played cupid for these two seemingly very dissimilar figures. But, at least according to “Page Six,” they both share an interest in “power, politics and human affairs.” And yeah, Huma was a political staffer, but I’d like to know one single human affair Coops is interested in.
Speaking of human affairs, can you imagine the look of HR when Armie Hammer walked into the Cayman Islands time-share office looking for a gig? Granted, he’s a frequent guest there, but also like wow, why does Armie need this job? I’m guessing he and Pops aren’t seeing eye to eye because this fall from grace, even for someone who’s been accused of cannibalism, is pretty drastic. (Anyway, he might have already fled to L.A.)
I still think I’d prefer to unicorn their situation over Lana Del Rey and Jack Donoghue’s crunchy coupling, which they announced by dropping their bae-reveal photo in front of a jail(?). Like who knows what they were actually doing there. LDR has dated a cop before, so maybe she just got in the habit of having picnics outside the county clink. They probably wouldn’t feel too comfy at a fancy function like this. I can’t even imagine the smells coming off that side of Table 2.
Table 3 has really got me conflicted. The way Kehlani gracefully handled Christian Walker’s nut ass in the Starbucks drive-thru earlier this week was truly Emotional Maturity Goals™. They say their therapist was on the phone while Walker accosted them, and all I have to say is give that person a raise because the shit is working. That troubled young man would’ve caught a car door to the solar plexus had I been in that same situation. Adding a resplendent Quinta Brunson to the mix following her Emmy nominations for Abbott Elementary is just … wow, almost overwhelmingly wholesome and good? But of course, we have to mention the Don. Seeing as Olivia Nuzzi already talked to him earlier this week, I can’t say it’d be totally impossible to have a meal and a drink, I guess? Especially flanked by two of the more grounded figures in celebrityhood. But goddamn, that’s a tall ask. A Black woman’s work is never done, it seems, and I don’t know if I can put that burden on them.
Finally, we have Table 4, which is probably the most confusing table because I’m fairly certain if I’m sitting next to John Bolton, I’d be arrested like three minutes in for aggravated assault. This man got on national TV talmbout how hard it is to plan a coup. And of course he’d know since he’s planned so many. Meanwhile, Jake Tapper just nodding along like, Ahh yes, you would have great insight on this, I’ll just leave that completely unchallenged. Broadcast journalism, like this country, is circling the damn drain.
Anyway, Beyoncé’s on TikTok now, and I don’t know how to feel about that except for very, very sorry for her social-media manager. And Cardi B just dropped a video for her new song with Ye and Lil Durk. The song is fine, and luckily Ye’s blah verse is last so it’s extremely skippable. With all that being said, I might gotta roll with Table 3. I’ll let Trump mutter to himself about his 2024 campaign while the songstress and the storyteller turn the fuck up.