Every Friday in New York’s Dinner Party newsletter, senior writer Tirhakah Love plans a seating chart for the week’s main characters and asks us all to consider: Where would you sit?
My eyes just can’t get off the traffic jam that is Table 2. I can’t even begin to explain how turned off I am by the idea of a blast-from-crackhead-past in Kevin Federline, the clearly wacked-out hubris of Domino’s opening up and promptly closing up shop in Italy, or Merrick Garland doing … whatever he’s doing. I just wouldn’t be able to enjoy my balsamic-reduction steak with the sheer wonk of that company. They’re out, just off top.
Table 3 features two recruitment stories. Marren Morris earned herself a callback for a new rendition of Wicked. She’s geeked and, you know what, good for her. She’s one of those celebrities who came out against Morgan Wallen being a racist snotbubble, so it seems like she’s on the right side of history (so far!). Kevin Feige doing his best NCAA scout impression, sending a message to the filmmakers of Batgirl, wishing them well and subtly tryna convince them to come on over to Death Row. The one outlier here are the nuclear codes, the accessibility of which have been called into question this week. How much you wanna bet the password on those codes is something like: nooks&kooks123 or password1234?
For me, the real battle is between Tables 1 and 4. It could be argued Jennette McCurdy won the entire week, as not only can she dance on her abusive mother’s grave and have pretty much everyone’s blessing on that but also her memoir has sold out pretty much everywhere. It’s been a great week for likable white women. Gotta give it to y’all. Well-meaning whites abound on Table 1, like that one dribbling CEO who actively recorded himself crying over employees that he says he was forced to layoff. I mean, I guess, dude. This feels like some bizarro version of Drake’s “God’s Plan” video. Instead of handing out a million dollars or whatever, our crying friend, Braden Wallake, is handing out pink slips but still wants the adoration for being a good guy. It’s so strange. Second to McCurdy, though, the newly married Rita Waititi-Ora might, in households that aren’t mine, have a shot at Big Winner of the Week. She slid right into those nuptials.
But for me it’s probably gonna be Table 4. Though predictable, the Rock’s answer to which celebrity he’d like to be a pet to — Megan Thee Stallion — was uttered with such immediacy that I’m pretty sure he’s thought through that question before. Shout out to that super-stoned bear in Turkey. That photo of the cub zooted in the back of a pickup truck was highly relatable. But what sets Table 4 above all is the inclusion of a GOAT. Serena’s done with the game, and as painful as it is for her, it’s very dope she’s able to do it on her own terms.