dinner party

Where Are You Sitting This Week?

Every Friday in New York’s Dinner Party newsletter, senior writer Tirhakah Love plans a seating chart for the week’s main characters and asks us all to consider: Where would you sit?

It’s another week of multiversal conflicts among baby-face heroes, charmingly campy anti-heroic tweeners, and ill-willed villains at the Dinner Party. Each week, there’s a question that defines where we’ll be parking dat ass for a full-on banquet, and this one is pretty simple: Which of these forces win out in the end?

The silliest and most indebted rogue today is probably Alex Jones, drinking away his pain at Table 1. Mans had a terrible showing in court this week and now is paying restitution to the parents of a Sandy Hook victim. Right at the end, his lawyer accidentally dumped two years of private text messages, which, yeah, pretty much sealed his fate. Jones has been ordered to pay $4 million so far, while the jury looks at more, and here’s a live look at his bank account when it heard the news:

Photo: Giphy/Netflix

There’s always seating for broke bois in Dinner Party. We don’t discriminate here. But, I’m sorry, you can’t be inefficient, influential, and broke. These things just don’t work well together. Those very sad adjectives could also describe another shuckster in Table 2’s Bishop Lamor Whitehead, who’s feverishly praying to the Spirit of Bandz to switch up his fortunes. There’s a growing feeling of suspicion around the now-missing million-dollar jewelry he dons in front of like 15 members of his congregation every week.

And while that possible situation boils, the question of Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav’s efficiency, influence, and falling ROIs looms quite large over the back half of this week. The tales of HBO’s crumbling are a bit overblown (though the layoffs are, of course, fucking tragic), but I think mostly the faves that people have come to love will stick around. Though this whole thing — the reality that at any moment any platform or streamer can just remove your favorite random niche series, album, or video — does remind us of the importance of physical media in a continually digitized world. RIP to that IP, including Batgirl, who’s definitely glaring at Zaslav from across the lounge, but Table 3 does give us Gaga in total clown garb and James Franco’s non-Cuban, non-Spanish ass playing Fidel Castro. I just … I need for Hollywood to quit playing in my damn face. Gaga the Joker Clown definitely inspires the theater kid in me to dance with her in the pale moonlight.

Tables 1 and 4 are duking it out for me. I know I talked a lot of shit about Alex Jones, but then that table rounds out with the woman who has single-handedly shifted the way I say “Puerto Rican” (Ricaahhhhnnnn) and a slightly pissed-off Kelis, who I’m sure would spill gallooons of tea on Jay-Z, Beyoncé, and, I’m sure, the topic of her ex-husband, will come up. I can’t even imagine what she’ll have to say about Pharrell. Table 4 ain’t no slouch, especially with Doechii — celebrating a new EP today — who I’m pretty sure is the next multidisciplinary pop talent. But to overcome Nancy Pelosi’s silliness and Batgirl’s outright rage? Which means, despite everything, it’s gonna be Table 1 for me.

Where Are You Sitting This Week?