It’s been a little over a year since Daniel Craig — the husband of the beautiful, talented, Academy Award–winning actress Rachel Weisz — decided to hang up his cuff links as the reckless, womanizing, unreliable rogue agent James Bond. In that time, speculation has mounted about who will fill his calfskin size 45 Crockett & Jones oxfords.
Unfortunately, the franchise’s long-standing producers, Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson, have not yet truly donned their thinking caps. In an interview with Variety, they said it’s still “early days” and the franchise is taking “a couple of years off,” but they did lay out a few Bond basics they’re looking for in their next suit. They want someone to do it for a long time, they want someone who isn’t Idris Elba (“So he’s probably thinking, Do I really want that thing?” Broccoli said, without revealing if they actually just … asked him), and they want someone worth the big investment. Got it.
But what they have yet to say is “You know, what if we tried something new, what if we thought outside the box?” And that’s what I’m here for, to open my classified files and offer my own expert suggestions for the new 007. (See my qualifications here, here, and here.) You’re welcome in advance. If this goes well, next we’ll do villains, starting with Daniel Kaluuya.
It bears repeating that this list is classified, so please do not leave it unattended in a safe in Florida where any FBI agent can find it after receiving an anonymous tip.
Richard ‘No Middle Name’ Madden
Age: 36
Birthplace: Elderslie, United Kingdom (a.k.a. Scotland)
Strengths: He’s handsome, which means his face card won’t be declined while trying to infiltrate roped-off areas or woo unsuspecting, helpless damsels. He doesn’t have a middle name, which is weird but very Bond-like. He also looks damn good in a suit. I mean, he basically auditioned for 007 in his TV miniseries Bodyguard. You’re not slick, Richie. I see you.
Weaknesses: He is not at all aware of his surroundings. I mean, just Google “Richard Madden Froy Gutierrez Italy.”
Bottom Line: He is a very safe choice, and safe is boring. Is he hot? Yes. Does he look good emerging from the water with his shirt off? Also yes. On an unusually warm autumnal day when the breeze catches the grey streak in his hair and it kisses his forehead gently do I want to melt? Absolutely. But surely we can do better.
Roman ‘Slimepuppy’ Roy
Age: 34 (probably)
Birthplace: Some penthouse in the United States
Strengths: He’s not British, so, like, who is going to suspect he’s working for MI6? Exactly, no one. Q won’t have an issue with Roman because he’s great with gadgets and electronics. Did he accidentally send his dad a dick pic? Yes, but it was one time! Did he blow up a rocket? Technically no, but every company needs a fall guy. This agent will complete all his missions in no time (with a little complaining), and he won’t be distracted by feminine wiles because, well — just because.
Weaknesses: He’s not British. The other agents would be like, “U wot m8?” and his cover would be blown. Plus, the whole rocket thing was kind of a mess actually.
Bottom Line: You know, not everyone is cut out for MI6. Maybe he should just take his father’s money and open up an art gallery. All the talentless NYC nepo babies are doing it.
Jacob Tremblay
Age: 15
Birthplace: Vancouver, Canada
Strengths: The producers were adamant that the prestigious role of James Bond is a “ten- to twelve-year commitment.” Who better to honor that commitment than an award-winning actual child? I mean, what else is he doing for the next decade? He would be able to come and go unsuspectingly because most people are too trusting of kids — which they shouldn’t be! Have you never seen The Good Son with Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood? Or Orphan with that scary li’l girl who is actually a grown woman? Or Jon & Kate Plus 8? Fuck them kids.
Weaknesses: Cannot reach high shelves. How is he supposed to save the country when he can’t even reach on top of the refrigerator?
Bottom Line: Maybe not the best choice. Hmmm, if only there was a spy-movie franchise that starred kids.
Matthew Charles Berry (or Matt Berry, as I call him when we text)
Age: A sensual 48
Birthplace: Bromham, United Kingdom
Strengths: Where do I start? Never has there ever been someone so commanding, so devastatingly charming, so up for anything, and I mean anything, as Sir Matt Berry. He is the mother I never had, the sister anybody would want. Plus, his character Lazlo in What We Do in the Shadows famously said, “Gay is in. Gay is hot. I want some gay. Gay it’s gonna be.” So could we have our very first LGBTQ+ Bond? I think so!
Weaknesses: N/A
Bottom Line: What role can’t Matt Berry play? His file has been moved to the top of the pile with $20 paper-clipped to it.
Daniel Michael DeVito Jr.
Age: 77
Birthplace: Neptune Township, New Jersey
Strengths: Danny DeVito is no stranger to blending in with his environment. I mean, have you seen Twins? Oscar. Emmy. Tony. Grammy. Teen Choice Award. He’s funny, resourceful, and most importantly, sexy!
Weaknesses: Being from New Jersey. Also, he’s four-ten, so getting in and out of an Aston Martin may be an issue.
Bottom Line: Uncle Danny may be a bit more cut out for the villain roles. I love Colin Farrell, but his Penguin will never measure up to Danny’s. (That sounds like a euphemism, but it’s not.)
Glen Thomas Powell Jr.
Age: 33
Birthplace: Austin, Texas
Strengths: He’s literally so hot.
Weaknesses: Being too hot. This is a real problem in the hot community that a lot of us have been suffering with in silence. But no more!
Bottom Line: He’s not British, but he is white, so I doubt people will tell the difference or care!
William Jack Poulter
Age: 29
Birthplace: Hammersmith London, United Kingdom
Strengths: He’s six-three, which is not too tall but also not too short. He’s extremely hot and can reach atop the refrigerator. He is British. Also has great arms. I am actually moving his file to the top of this stack with $100 paper-clipped to it.
Weaknesses: Is not married to me.
Bottom Line: There is only one man who is truly still in the running toward becoming Britain’s Next Top Secret Agent, and it’s him. Congratulations.
Not to be overlooked, a few runner-ups:
Regé-Jean Page: I mean, we saw what happened when a mermaid was Black! Plus, he has no charisma — moving on.
Dev Patel: I think he can get the job done, but I don’t want to see him in peril — my heart can’t take it.
Ezra Miller: Who better to commit crimes for the government?
