For better or worse, the pod squad is back — and depressing as shit.
On September 16, we checked in on the messy Love Is Blind season-two couples, and in a span of three hours, it became clear that everyone involved in this show was … going to break up. And then they did! Throughout the episodes, things crystallize for viewers: Iyanna and Jarrette are past the point of no return, Danielle and Nick are bleaker than ever, Deepti has inexplicably fallen for Kyle, and Sal is totally over Mallory. Meanwhile, Big Daddy Shayne still loves crop tops, a new girlfriend named Jessi pops up, and a recently engaged Shaina can’t stop squinting like Trump. At least Sal claims he’s breaking his ukulele and Shake was nowhere to be found! With everyone broken up by now, we wanted to take a look back at all the causes for concern popping up left, right, and center. Let’s take a look at the red flags presented to us in After the Altar — starting with how the group’s vacation took place in a town called New Buffalo, Michigan, where they were subjected to wine tasting in a tundra!
Danielle and Nick
Danielle says something on After the Altar that shook me to my core. It is so deeply sad that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forget it. She says the coolest thing about being married is being able to plan something a year in advance and know it’s going to happen with that person.
“You don’t have to think twice about the other person not being there because you’re married,” she confidently states in a confessional. Yikes! This makes my heart hurt. Someone needs to read Attached ASAP.
Even though Danielle and Nick were together at the time of filming, we now know Danielle filed for divorce in mid-August. And honestly, after watching these three episodes, I can’t say I’m surprised. Here are the red flags that tipped me off to a looming breakup:
• Nick wears Canada Goose.
• Danielle says she would drink the spit bucket at wine tasting.
• Danielle acts salty over Sal’s girlfriend, Jessi, correctly guessing the right answer in whatever drinking game they are playing.
• The way Nick tells Danielle, “Oh, boy, just don’t hit anyone!” while they’re playing mini-golf (??? I actually forgot what they were doing? Was it mini-golf? Whatever!)
• Danielle asks Shaina and Christos if they are “GF and BF.” As in, saying the letters “Bee Eff and Gee Eff.” Yes, I say acronyms out loud all the time, but something in the way that Danielle does it is very botlike.
• The Jeff Koons–style balloon dog décor in their apartment.
• Danielle confronts Shaina about Shane at Natalie’s 30th birthday party, which she is hosting! Completely bored, unhappy behavior.
• Nick’s agro energy about costume parties. He had a tailgate party where everyone had to dress like a football player? What in the fuck? Then he tells Christos and Shaina that if they’re not in ’80s garb, they won’t be allowed in … ? What in the Heidi Klum Halloween?
• The fact that they traveled to Colorado to see Kygo (Kygo! Kygo!) perform their wedding song … and then he didn’t even play it. Oop.
• Nick’s limited dietary palate and preferences: He doesn’t like sushi, and he doesn’t want to change his palate. He admittedly likes it how it is. Danielle tells us he’s gluten free, chicken free, pork free, and shrimp free. But not red-meat free? Weird. She also tells us he’s a picky eater solely because of Netflix documentaries. Dark. (Sub-point: When he says, “I can’t handle spice. I sweat.”)
• Danielle bursts into tears while talking to Kyle about his relationship with Deepti to the point where she has to excuse herself to dry her eyes … ?????????????????????????????
• And simply … their complete lack of chemistry. I am choosing to believe that both Nick and Danielle are artificial intelligences created by Netflix. I cannot fathom them being real people who really got married.
Iyanna and Jarrette
Iyanna is way too pure for this show. I am genuinely grateful this girl has a solid support system and network in place because I can’t imagine her handling her crumbling relationship on her own. Jarrette is a flop. All his jobs are night-life adjacent, and the only person he prioritizes is himself. Unlike Danielle and Nick, I do see a (slight) spark between these two and understand why they were initially attracted to each other, but flames die out. Their relationship lacks any foundation. I’m not sure what values they share — if any — and as Iyanna says to Jarrette, Natalie, her parents, his parents, and us, they’ve been having the same conversation, in circles, for months. The series leaves them on a semi-hopeful note, but I don’t think anyone was surprised by their divorce announcement that hit headlines last month.
Everything that told us the couple was bound to break up:
• Iyanna asking Jarrette to pick her wedgie, him actually doing it, and her being annoyed he actually did it. I can’t elaborate on why this is a red flag, but it is.
• Their toast: “Two flawed weirdos, trying to make it work.” Depressing.
• One of the first things Iyanna says is that they’re still in the experiment. LOL :/
• Jarrette routinely stays out until seven in the morning! I am 27 years old and I can barely stay up past midnight.
• When Jarrette asks Iyanna to give him a kiss, she refuses, and then they kiss anyway and she wipes it off — I’m no body language expert, but …
• Their conflicting baby timelines. Jarrette says he wants a kid in two years maximum; meanwhile, Iyanna says she doesn’t want a baby for at least two years — minimum — and jokes about closing her uterus up.
• Jarrette pooping while Iyanna is in the shower. This is disgusting to me on a number of levels. Logistically, I’m concerned how this is happening so often that it has become a pattern? Jarrette is famously never home! Take care of this while you’re out of the house instead of creating a stinky steam stench! Iyanna never experiences peace (thanks to Jarrette), and he has to ruin her shower too? BFFR. Be fuckin’ for real.
• The repetitive conversations. The pair acknowledges that they have been having the same conversation for months and that Iyanna recognizes Jarrette has “never been held accountable” and wishes for him to learn how to control himself.
• Jarrette does not tell his parents how dire things are between him and Iyanna. I want to clarify that this isn’t a blanket red flag: Not everyone is close with their families! But! Iyanna is, and that is important to her, and from what we can see, Jarrette seems close enough to his that he would/should tell them about Iyanna moving out.
• Um, Iyana moves out? We don’t get the full breakdown of how this move actually happened, but at one point, Jarrette says he came home from work to Iyanna all packed up and ready to roll. I am staunchly and firmly Team Iyanna and am proud of her for making a (tough) decision to protect herself, but we can all agree that a surprise move-out probably doesn’t mean your relationship is in a great spot.
• Iyanna says this: “I think he’s a good guy, but as far as seeing him as my husband, it’s hard for me to see that at this point.” No comment.
• Jarrette claims that the hardest part of marriage is putting Iyanna first, that marriage is not easy, and that “if anybody tries to tell you that it is, that’s a lie.” It shouldn’t be that hard to prioritize the person you love? How is that the hardest part of your marriage? That should be the foundation of your marriage! All of this is a sea of red.
• Their whole conversation about their one-year anniversary when Iyanna drops the most devastating truth bomb: “Sometimes I don’t see the value of having you as a partner.” Whewwwwwwwww!
Deepti and Kyle
Deepti and Kyle briefly fell in love (?) in the real world, not the pod, but that doesn’t save them from judgment. I do believe Deepti is perfect, and her only red flag is falling for fuckboys and saying Kyle makes her “hot and bothered,” so this will focus primarily on Kyle’s red flags. Here they are:
• Kyle’s nose piercing
• The way he refers to Champagne as “champs.” Grow up.
• Kyle’s cartilage piercing — is this new?
• His monogrammed green duffel as seen in episode 12. Ironic boat totes are the only acceptable monograms!
• Being a good juggler. Why?
• He quickly guesses “golden shower,” after receiving the hint “urinating in hygiene.” This is suspicious to me.
• Going to Danielle and Nick for relationship advice. No explanation needed.
Can we definitively say whether the pods lead to true love or just help illustrate hundreds of red flags? Conveniently, the pods are firing up again with Love Is Blind season three’s premiere on October 19, so we won’t have to wait too long to find out.