So you want to watch The Watcher? Sure! You can definitely watch The Watcher if you want. But don’t we all know that what you really want to watch is Jennifer Coolidge in The Watcher? Based on a true story reported by New York Magazine, Ryan Murphy’s The Watcher features Naomi Watts and Bobby Cannavale as a yuppie couple who moves from the big city into a new house, where they promptly receive letters about being watched, and all the neighbors (played by Mia Farrow, Richard Kind, and Margo Martindale) are suspects. But while Watts and Cannavale are blandly drawn centers — and Farrow, Kind, and Martindale aren’t given nearly enough to do — Coolidge, as the couple’s real-estate agent and Watts’s friend from college named Karen, steals the show. In order to help you avoid any boredom (and enjoy all the Coolidge), here is a running list of everything Coolidge gets up to in The Watcher.
Episode 1 — “Welcome, Friends”
• Recognizes Naomi Watts at an open house
• Intensely says “fuck”
• Describes a blue as “realistic”
• Says, “Eat a dick, Stephanie”
• Is in good shape and refers to herself as being in good shape
• Says “squalor” with panache
• Says, “You’re rich”
• Has an ex-husband named Rick Bluck
• Says “pussy”
• Tells the story of fucking over Rick Bluck financially after he left her
Episode 2 — “Blood Sacrifice”
• Smells her napkin
• Attempts to get Naomi Watts to sell her house
• Complains her napkin smells like vinegar
• Offers to sell Naomi Watts’s house
• Says New York City will be underwater in like five years
• Tells Naomi Watts that Naomi Watts is exhausted and scared
Episode 3 — “Götterdämmerung”
• Misses a tennis ball by not trying, then says, “I didn’t get the memo we were doing cardio today.”
• Proceeds to tell Naomi Watts it was rude of her to win tennis
• Tells Naomi Watts she needs to bone Bobby Cannavale more (who among us, etc., etc.)
• Says she is getting the best dick ever, then smiles using all her teeth
• Refuses to say who the magic dick is from
• Accuses Bobby Cannavale of having an affair with a “young girl” in “pigtails”
• Tells the waitress she needs a “holiday pour” of white wine
• Repeats that Naomi Watts needs to leave the house
• Shows Naomi Watts a new house and argues it is a good feature of a house not to be terrorized by an “axe murderer”
• Gets a little forceful with it TBH
Episode 4 — “Someone to Watch Over Me”
• Gets ignored by Bobby Cannavale
• Says, “Uh-oh. Oh, no,” to Bobby Cannavale when he threatens to sue her hot boss
• Angles to list the house again
• Wears a great pink suit
• Lists bad things that will soon happen to Naomi Watts if she doesn’t list the house
• Calls a TikTok compelling
• Manipulates!
Episode 5 — “Occam’s Razor”
• Wears pink fur
• Doesn’t request details (while wanting details) about Margo Martindale and Richard Kind’s dual act of faked death
• Calls Margo Martindale and Richard Kind “of a certain age”
• Reveals she is part of a villainous LLC
• Says, “I get what I want”
• Is accused of boning a policeman
• Is accused of being The Watcher
• Threatens to call “Page Six”
• Ends a scene by shouting, “I think it’s time the whole world knows … what’s going on at your house!”
Episode 6 — “The Gloaming”
• Actually calls “Page Six”
• Calls Naomi Watts a “cunt”
• Says, “You deserve to lose your shirts”
• Ends a scene by shouting, “Payback’s a bitch!”
Episode 7 — “Haunting”
• Buys The Watcher house
• Has an orgasmic experience looking at a beige room
• Plays the role of a single girl taking care of herself by referring to herself, out loud, as “a single woman taking care of herself”
• Offers a Snapple to Naomi Watts
• Doesn’t remember what a ferret is called
• Gets said ferret confused with a beaver/muskrat
• Tells Naomi Watts, “Get the fuck out of my house”
• Receives baked goods from Margo Martindale and Mia Farrow
• Rejects said baked goods because she’s keto
• Receives an ominous call
• Has an overfilled tub
• Assumes Naomi Watts overfilled her tub
• Calls the policeman she was boning because she thinks Naomi Watts is in her house
• Bangs on walls because of her dog barking ominously
• Holds a knife and her dog at the same time
• Finds her dog dead
• Runs away from The Watcher house screaming bloody murder while wearing a silky floral robe
