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Which Barbies Are Gonna Be in Barbie?

Her name is Barbie. Photo: Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube

On December 16, the greatest cinema spectacle of the year hit movie theaters: Not Avatar: The Way of Water, but the Barbie trailer that comes before it. The teaser for Greta Gerwig’s doll adaptation has been released, and it features multiple dizzyingly fun shots of Margot Robbie playing the titular baddie B Barbie tingz banging body B herself. There’s the classic 1959 Barbie, winking over white shades. There’s a Barbie in Don’t Worry Darling mode, standing on the roof of a Malibu Dreamhouse. There are Barbies at some sort of horse show dressed as Glossier employees, a glam disco Barbie, and, of course, we’ve all seen the paparazzi shots of roller-skating Barbie. This barely scratches the surface of the things Barbie has done. And that’s just the problem: It’s impossible to fit every stage of Barbie’s life — every job, every adventure, every piece of real estate — into one Barbie biopic. The upside is that Gerwig has plenty to work with. Which other Barbies will Robbie get to play? Our hopes:

Astronaut Barbie

The trailer basically teases this with its 2001: A Space Odyssey parody.

Secret Agent Barbie

We still have no idea what the plot of Barbie is. Could it be a heist movie?

Dentist Barbie

Maybe not as thrilling as Secret Agent Barbie, but I’d still watch.

WNBA Barbie

Okay, I put this on the list before learning that Margot Robbie is five feet six; for some reason I thought she was taller? She could be a point guard maybe?

Zoo Doctor and TV Chef at the Same Time Barbie

I don’t know how she does it!

McDonald’s Drive-Thru Barbie

An opportunity for either product placement or contemporary proletariat cinema. You pick!

Brandy Barbie

Much like how Barbie has been many people, many people can be Barbie. Petition to cast Brandy in Barbie as herself!

Mermaid Barbie

Barbie could give James Cameron a run for his money with a whole middle act about the many times Barbie has inexplicably become a mermaid.

Carole Baskin Barbie

Fact: The “Animal Loving Barbie” line from 1989 is responsible for Ken’s blue leopard print and ascot look as seen in Toy Story 3. Film history.

Which Barbies Are Gonna Be in Barbie?