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Can You Guess What Actually Happens in 80 for Brady?

80 for Brady is one of the weirder comedies to arrive in theaters lately — so weird that describing it might make you think I am lying. Photo: Paramount

80 for Brady provides the opportunity to watch four of our most treasured actors — Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sally Field, and Rita Moreno — vibe with each other onscreen for an hour and a half. It also insists that Tom Brady is the greatest athlete of all time and, possibly, an angel placed here on earth. (Did I mention Tom Brady is a producer of this movie?)

But perhaps above those two things, 80 for Brady is one of the weirder comedies to arrive in theaters lately — so weird that describing certain details might make you think I am lying if you haven’t seen the film. With that in mind, here is a list of 80 things that happen in 80 for Brady. Some of them are real. Some of them are not. Your job is to make like Natasha Lyonne in Poker Face and determine the truth. (Note: This list is rife with spoilers.)

Much like For All Mankind and The Man in the High Castle, 80 for Brady is a work of alternate history.
Set in 2017, the movie follows the four leading ladies to Super Bowl LI where, in a switch from actual history, the New England Patriots lose to the Atlanta Falcons, allowing Tom Brady to turn to Lily Tomlin, Sally Field, Rita Moreno, and Jane Fonda for comfort.
Within the first few minutes of 80 for Brady, Lily Tomlin looks at Tom Brady and says, “Oh, what a beautiful man.”
Within the first few minutes of 80 for Brady, Rita Moreno looks at Tom Brady and says, “I’d like to handle his balls — and not to deflate them.”
Deflategate is mentioned twice in 80 for Brady.
One of Lily Tomlin’s Pats game-watching rituals involves spilling a full bowl of chips at the start of each game.
Another of Lily Tomlin’s Pats game-watching rituals is meditating in front of her New England Patriots shrine, which houses a Tom Brady prayer candle, a whisker (allegedly) from Julian Edelman’s beard, and a three-year-old lobster roll from Neptune Oyster.
In one scene, Lily Tomlin, a woman who is a mere Oscar short of an EGOT, asks a Tom Brady bobblehead for guidance.
The Tom Brady bobblehead actually speaks encouraging words to Lily Tomlin.
After speaking encouraging words to Lily Tomlin, the Tom Brady bobblehead announces its retirement, then says, “Psyyyyych.”
The Tom Brady bobblehead gets down from Lily Tomlin’s mantle, goes to her kitchen, and makes itself a high-protein, plant-based smoothie while noting that the recipe for said smoothie can be found on the TB12 Method website.
The character played by two-time Academy Award winner and legendary social justice advocate Jane Fonda writes romance novels about Rob Gronkowski — including one titled Between a Gronk and a Hard Place.
Jane Fonda writes another romance novel about Rob Gronkowski titled Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Gronk.
Jane Fonda wears an array of bad wigs in this film that may remind some audience members — okay, fine, me — of the joke Tina Fey made about American Hustle at the 2014 Golden Globe Awards: “The original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.”
After Rita Moreno accidentally takes a sleeping pill, her friends smuggle her out of her assisted-living facility in a wheelchair, Weekend at Bernie’s style, so they can make their flight to Houston on time.
In one scene, two-time Academy Award winner and national treasure Sally Field participates in a hot-wings-eating contest judged by Guy Fieri.
That contest is a riff on the hot-wing-eating scene that was famously cut from Steel Magnolias for being too emotionally manipulative.
After winning the hot-wing-eating contest, Sally Field is congratulated by Paul Rudd, who pops in for a brief cameo. “Hey,” he says, “Look at us.”
At a raucous Super Bowl party, Sally Field has a hot flash when she spots Taylor Kitsch, a.k.a. Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights, playing beer pong.
In keeping with Super Bowl tradition, Jane Fonda is found making out in a closet with Harry Hamlin.
There’s a running gag about a fanny pack that Sally Field refers to as a strap-on, a joke that really pays off when an actual strap-on is found in wide receiver Danny Amendola’s locker.
Jane Fonda hooks up with Guy Fieri after noting that she is turned on by how much he “looks like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto.”
Sally Field tries unsuccessfully to flirt with an Uber driver, which really conflicts with my memories of the Smokey and the Bandit movies.
After taking an edible, Rita Moreno, who has a freaking EGOT, enters what she thinks is going to be an orgy only to discover a poker game filled with Guy Fieri look-alikes.
Still high, Rita Moreno winds up playing poker with Billy Porter, Patton Oswalt, and Retta.
Also at the poker table with Rita Moreno: Lily from the AT&T commercials, a bobblehead of Drew Bledsoe, and two of the Try Guys.
Sally Field misplaces the crew’s precious Super Bowl tickets, and you're goddamn right, it’s basically Guy Fieri’s fault!
Despite the fact that the main characters are from Boston, none of them has a Boston accent.
On the other hand, Alex Moffatt and Rob Corddry, who play co-hosts of a Pats-focused sports talk show, have incredibly thick Boston accents.
There is also a rival Pats-focused talk show in 80 for Brady. It is co-hosted by John Krasinski and a half-full bottle of Sam Adams lager.
Ben Affleck, concerned for these women who have lost their Super Bowl tickets yet not concerned enough to find replacement tickets for them, brings everyone a round of coffee from Dunkin’, nearly dropping some of the beverages.
In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of Gillette Stadium, her female protagonist “realized this was the best a man can get.”
There is a scene in which Sally Field yanks Guy Fieri out of a porta-potty.
Enraged by some of Bill Belichick’s coaching decisions, Lily Tomlin fantasizes that she, dressed as Snow White, poisons him while several animated woodland creatures observe.
In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of FedExField, her female protagonist “realized that good things come in really big packages.”
Sally Field is married to a professor, played by Bob Balaban, who is incapable of making basic decisions or remembering to wear pants without her guidance.
Lily Tomlin continues to take advice from Tom Brady even in non-bobblehead forms. He suddenly talks to her in the middle of a TV interview. And a bust of Brady’s head offers her spiritual guidance.
In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of Hard Rock Stadium, her female protagonist “fully understood the words hard and rock for the first time.”
80 for Brady contains a lengthy, thoughtful discussion between the four women about whether they should continue to support Tom Brady even after a MAGA hat was spotted in his locker. Since their identities are largely based on Tom Brady, they decide to willfully ignore this information, because they have principles.
During the aforementioned discussion, Sally Field says, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Sometimes, it’s a MAGA hat you wish you hadn’t seen.”
In a scene early in the movie, the four women are kicked out of the Women’s March when they show up wearing their bedazzled “80 for Brady” jerseys.
The Brady ladies regain custody of their Super Bowl tickets thanks to halftime performer Lady Gaga, who returns them to the quartet. “I found these, you little monsters,” she tells them happily before she is yanked via harness to another location.
In one of her Gronk romances, Jane Fonda writes that after having sex with Gronk on the grounds of Arrowhead Stadium, her female protagonist “realized how erotic the name Arrowhead is.” Arrowhead Stadium would only become more erotic years later, when it was renamed GEHA Field.
Billy Porter plays a halftime-show choreographer named Gugu who claims that Lady Gaga got her name from him. Because, you know: Gugu, Gaga.
When they try to enter the stadium, the Brady ladies are told by a security guard, played by Ron Funches, that their tickets are counterfeit.
Lily Tomlin & Co. sneak into the stadium with help from Tom Brady himself, who stashes the four women underneath the massive sideline coat he wore during the 2017 AFC championship game.
Once inside NRG Stadium, the women immediately find four empty, very good seats next to each other, because that is how things always go at sporting events.
After the performance of “God Bless America” by Phillipa Soo, Renée Elise Goldsberry, and Jasmine Cephas Jones, Rita Moreno screams, “Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. Work!” (Remember, it is 2017.)
The four women appear on the jumbotron screen during the game.
The four women start the wave, then Rita Moreno leads the entire stadium in a rousing rendition of her signature song from West Side Story, “America.”
There is a sequence in 80 for Brady that is absolutely a commercial for the skyboxes at NFL stadiums.
“This is heaven,” says Lily Tomlin. “It’s called a skybox,” responds Harry Hamlin.
The Brady ladies accidentally stumble onstage during Lady Gaga’s halftime performance and, to a wave of cheers from the crowd, immediately pick up the “Bad Romance” choreography.
Rita Moreno bets a very wealthy businessman that the Patriots will win, even though they’re getting killed by the Atlanta Falcons. That wealthy businessman is played, obviously, by Andy Richter.
In keeping with the product-placement ethos behind this film, at one point, Tom Brady flings a Microsoft Surface tablet directly into the camera.
If you see 80 for Brady in IMAX 3-D, it’s like that Microsoft Surface tablet is hitting you right in the face!
When the Patriots seem poised to lose, Lily Tomlin breaks into the coordinators’ booth and delivers an inspiring speech that Tom Brady listens to via his football helmet, which he holds up to his ear like a seashell.
“You’re Tom Brady,” Lily Tomlin tells Tom Brady. “You have to come back.” This is 2017. Lily Tomlin won’t fully understand how untrue her statement is until 2023, when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers lose a wildcard playoff game to the Dallas Cowboys.
Tom Brady propels the Patriots to another Super Bowl win mostly because Lily Tomlin helped him do it.
After the Patriots win, the four women get to go into the team's locker room. Gisele Bündchen sees them all eagerly headed toward her husband and, with a pointed look straight to camera, says, “Ladies, he’s alllll yours.”
Sally Field demonstrates deep knowledge of Danny Amendola’s career achievements and stats.
Rita Moreno gets her fingernails tangled in the thick beard of wide receiver Julian Edelman. She is only able to free them after Lady Gaga struts into the locker room with scissors and a nail file.
Tom Brady and Lily Tomlin, whose character was buoyed by Brady during cancer treatment, have a conversation in which Brady tells her she inspires him, and it’s honestly a little bit touching?
“What a day. Can you believe it?” Tom Brady says to Lily Tomlin while trying his damnedest to act naturally.
While celebrating his victory, Tom Brady busts out the impressive dance moves for which he is world famous.
Morgan Freeman enters the New England Patriots locker room and places a halo atop Tom Brady’s head. “Tom Brady,” he announces, “you are the best human being who has ever lived.”
In a flash-forward to 2018, the Brady ladies, now national icons, make cameo appearances in the This Is Us post–Super Bowl episode where Milo Ventimiglia gets killed by a Crock-Pot.
To celebrate the Super Bowl LI win back home, the Brady ladies go to Cheers. In a poignant final shot, they all shout “Norm!” enthusiastically when George Wendt enters the scene.
At the end of the movie, there’s a flash-forward to Super Bowl 2020, when Brady is playing in Super Bowl LV for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Team 80 for Brady is still rooting for him even though he ditched the Pats, because people from Boston famously never hold grudges.
In a stinger during the credits, we see Jane Fonda and Gronk with their arms around each other, sidling into a screening of Fifty Shades Darker.
In a stinger during the credits, Brady, on a beach with Fonda, Tomlin, Moreno, and Field, says he has no plans to retire.
In the same stinger, Brady turns to the camera and says, “Actually, I have something to say.” He then rises from his lounge chair, finds a nice spot in the sand dunes, and films this retirement-announcement video.
After filming the video, Brady adds, “My retirement is absolutely, 100 percent a promotional stunt for 80 for Brady as well as a way to ensure everyone continues to talk about me, even though I am not playing in the Super Bowl this year.”
In the same stinger — it’s a really long scene — Gronk shows up and encourages everyone to get USAA insurance and bet via FanDuel on his upcoming Kick of Destiny.
With the exception of the bedazzled jerseys worn by the four principals, every costume in 80 for Brady is a product of Tom Brady’s fashion line.
In yet another stinger during the credits, we flash forward to the sight of Tom Brady stumbling drunk after the 2021 post–Super Bowl boat parade in Tampa, at which point the camera pans to Tomlin, Fonda, Field, and Moreno stumbling equally drunk a few feet behind him.
Brady then throws the Lombardi Trophy at Lily Tomlin, who catches it no problem. Fun fact: Lily Tomlin still has that Lombardi Trophy. It is sitting on a credenza in the front hallway of her L.A. home.
Prior to the film, a music video of the song “Gonna Be You” is shown in the theater. Dolly Parton, Belinda Carlisle, Cyndi Lauper, and Gloria Estefan all appear, because all of them had hit songs in the 1980s. (80 for Brady, get it???)
No matter how you feel about 80 for Brady, I think we are all looking forward to seeing Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sally Field, and Rita Moreno together in a movie that doesn’t require them to talk about how awesome Tom Brady is.
Nevertheless, we will start the Oscar campaign for Lily Tomlin now. If this wild-ass movie is what it takes to finally get her to EGOT, so be it!

Can You Guess What Actually Happens in 80 for Brady?