I’m happy “Love Takes Hostages” jumps right into Angela’s story. There’s not much narrative tension around her actual surgery — obviously, she makes it out okay, because we’ve seen her talking-head interviews filmed after the fact. But until now, her plot has mostly been about awkward encounters with her surgeon and Michael’s devastation over losing her breasts, so getting to watch Angela, a woman who has always been so sure of herself and who she is, adapt to a new lifestyle post-surgery is a bit more interesting.
The network of My 600-lb Life mostly knows how to handle a weight-loss-journey story. While it has focused a lot of attention on Michael’s reaction — and it felt weird that her doctor called her husband for his approval — here, it let Angela’s disappointment take center stage. She’s clearly disappointed in the results, and her breasts do look smaller than what she agreed to prior to surgery. I hate seeing Angela lose her agency in a situation that should be empowering for her. I think she will be happier with the results when she is further removed from the surgery, but the most frustrating part is Michael, who doesn’t try to reassure Angela at all! Michael does truly love Angela, but I think he loves the status she provides him as a large, rich white American woman. With Angela losing one of those adjectives, I’m actually beginning to question Michael’s commitment.
You know what I do not question? Daniel’s dedication to staying in America. Ronald has said every which way he’d make Tiffany and Daniel move to South Africa if his visa were denied, and Daniel simply stated that would not be happening. Daniel really looked pressed that he had to tell his stepdad he’d embrace divorce before moving. The thing is, Ronald seems way too ready to accept that reality too. He knows that if that visa is denied, he and Tiffany are done. He can’t do long distance anymore, and I think Tiffany is just hoping he isn’t allowed to come over so she can have a way out of the relationship. There’s just that whole thing about custody over their kid. The best part of 90 Day Fiancé is watching people who believe in love more than planning, and Ronald and Tiffany do not disappoint here.
For Kalani and Brandon, there is no easy out. I feel deeply for these two people who have now realized they are in way over their heads. Kalani is surprised her dad, Low, doesn’t support the idea of divorce, but he’s a really old-school guy. Frankly, he has never liked Asuelu, and I think he feels like Kalani should be punished for going on vacation, getting pregnant, and bringing him into their lives. Asuelu could eventually become the man Kalani needs — I just don’t know that she has a decade to wait around for him to grow up, not to mention Asuelu definitely can’t support himself without Kalani, so he’d probably end up back in Samoa if they divorce. There’s a real risk that her kids could lose their father, and I don’t think Kalani has really considered those consequences. Maybe Low is just able to see the bigger picture.
Brandon is in a similar situation. He’s definitely realizing Julia is not who he thought she was, and I don’t think he is someone who would consider divorce. Julia’s jealousy issues aren’t normal; they’re incredibly toxic. She escalated that situation from zero to 100 so quickly! She really took the brewery menu as a personal act of aggression! These two aren’t teenagers, and I’m honestly shocked she’d act that immature. What hope do these two have when they’re out on their own? You can’t deny Julia’s logic, though: If she is using Brandon for a green card, she wouldn’t admit it!
I’m not as worried about Brandon and Julia as I am about Yara. Jovi has finally revealed he has to leave for work earlier than he thought. Jovi is just … a really well-intentioned kid. Sure, he should be a father and an adult, but he’s more like a teenager who woke up with a wife and a baby to take care of one day. They’re my favorite couple, though, because Yara sees that in him and loves him anyway! It’s so beautiful! But with Jovi gone and his mom irritating Yara, I don’t think she’ll wait around in New Orleans for him to return. I think Yara might go visit her family and decide she doesn’t like being a single mom most of the year. Still, stacked against the other fathers on the show, Jovi is beating out everyone except maybe Asuelu. At least he’s making money for his kid, unlike Ronald.
Then there’s Mike and Natalie. In order to enjoy their story, I’ve decided to believe these are two reptilians who have managed to find each other on planet Earth. Neither of them understands human rules, customs, or communication. But somehow they ended up on a reality show, and they have to convince the rest of us they are human. I do not know why Natalie goes on an extended rant about Ukrainian dishes only being made by Ukrainians, but it’s exactly what a reptilian would think a human Ukrainian woman would do. I do not understand her weird, robotic answers to Mike’s mom’s questions. I also don’t know why Mike enjoys pissing Natalie off, as though he feeds off her frustration. But if you imagine Natalie is from another planet and has never seen a pig before, suddenly her behavior makes sense. Same with Mike’s oddly close relationship with his mommy. It isn’t so weird when you realize they’re all they have from their home planet. From this perspective, I absolutely want Natalie and Mike to make it work.
90 Day Notes
• The stock music used when they introduced Libby and Andrei was hilarious. It was like a fake pop song about forgetting the haters. I think the producers love how tired we are of these two. I guess Andrei’s immigration-status story is a little more interesting than their constant arguing with her family. For some reason, when Andrei says he buried something, I believe him, though … at least “at this point in time.”
• Jovi and Yara’s uncomfortable sex story … they’re the greatest romance of our time.
• Okay, that was a lot of pigs for one house.