i couldn't help but wonder

What Would Samantha Jones Do?

“Oh honey, a comedy concert?” Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos by HBO and HBO Max

There are some things about Sex and the City revival And Just Like That … that really work — give Seema the spinoff she and her silk pants deserve! — but more often than not, it’s impossible to watch an episode and not think about what could’ve been different, better, if only Samantha Jones had been around.

In short, Kim Cattrall’s absence looms over the series from its premiere episode all the way through the season finale. Many times, it’s because Samantha’s (former??) pals make baffling choices that you know would not go down the way they do if the quartet had been complete. And sometimes it’s simply because Samantha brought such a lively, necessary energy to the proceedings. Like, you know she’d already have had sex with at least one of the Hot Fellas bread guys and it would involve multiple baguettes. (The jokes about carbo-loading alone!) There are so many moments where it was impossible not to consider how Samantha might have responded. Unfortunately for us, she’s gone off to London, and for now only responds to texts about cocktails in Paris or Carrie’s vagina. But still, while watching these And Just Like That … moments, we couldn’t help but wonder: What would Samantha Jones do?

On Big’s funeral

Even if you buy that Samantha would forsake all of her best friends over Carrie letting her go as her publicist (does anyone buy this? No one buys this), there is no world in which Samantha would not show up for Carrie when her husband dies. There’s just not! Samantha was arguably the most loyal of the quartet and she shows up for her friends, even if it’s begrudgingly. (Remember when she babysat Brady? Or rode on a train to California for Carrie?) The flowers were very nice (and very necessary — yikes, that was a cold funeral) but think what could’ve been if Samantha was Carrie’s funeral buffer! The words she’d have for Bitsy von Muffling and Susan Sharon! The “get it together” speech she’d have for Charlotte, who seriously needed to get it together! The jokes she would’ve made about that inane “how lucky we are” poem Miranda performs (probably a play on actually getting lucky at a funeral, as is tradition). Ah, what could’ve been.

On the Brady of it all

One of the most insufferable aspects of And Just Like That … has been the young Mr. Brady Hobbes and his girlfriend Luisa. It’s great to be sex-positive with your kids, but the Hobbes-Brady household needs some boundaries. Brady is having very loud sex what seems like 24 hours a day, right in the room next to his parents’. And they just … never say anything about it? That would be rude even if your roommates weren’t the 50-something-year-olds who brought you into this world. Brady can have sex all he wants, but he should at least show some respect toward Miranda and Steve. Instead, the whole series kicks off with a horrifying story about Miranda stepping on Brady’s used condom, and not too long after we get a cute little anecdote about how he called her a bitch because Miranda made his girlfriend go home so that he could do his homework because he is 17. Samantha would not be scared to tell Brady to stop being an asshole. In fact, Samantha has been calling Brady an asshole since he was born. You know what? I don’t care what people say about calling babies assholes, Samantha has been right this entire time!!

On the dearth of sex her friends are having

The Sex and the City revival needs more sex — what a missed opportunity to show women in their 50s and 60s having fun, sexy adventures! — and you know Samantha Jones would deliver.

On the Natasha escapade

Okay, so, Carrie stalking Big’s ex-wife Natasha in order to find out why he would leave her $1 million in his will was objectively a terrible idea. Hasn’t the woman suffered enough? But I’m not convinced Samantha would’ve stopped this from happening. She’d probably break out the ol’ Raquel Welch wig and join the rest of the gang on Carrie’s mission. However, she wouldn’t just wait in the Starbucks across the street; she’d be right beside Carrie in Natasha’s office building, and when she’s fed that ridiculous lie about Natasha being in Rome, Samantha would march right into Natasha’s office and get Carrie some answers. It would still be a very unfortunate experience for Natasha, but at least they’d avoid that whole awkward bathroom run-in.

On all of the new friends

Let’s see … Samantha has zero time for the Park Avenue Mom set, so LTW would not be a great match. Nya probably would not have time for Samantha, who is, admittedly, a lot of energy, but wouldn’t you love to hear Samantha’s advice to Nya in regards to having or not having children? We deserve that scene. Speaking of things we deserve, although Samantha might feel a little put off by Carrie’s friendship with Seema at first (they are very similar), wouldn’t you love to see Samantha and Seema dominate New York? The great sex, the getting rid of all the bullshit, the fabulous clothes and parties — their friendship would bring so much of what the revival has been missing.

On Charlotte still giving Harry head

This conversation is wild, mostly because what have these three women been talking about with one another for the past 15 years? They don’t know that Miranda and Steve stopped having sex for literal years? Or that Charlotte still enthusiastically gives her husband blowjobs? This is one of those conversations that desperately needs input from Samantha Jones, because you know this chick is still blowing guys regardless of which continent she lives on. Instead of sitting there being incredulous, she’d be celebrating Charlotte and the dexterity of her 55-year-old jaw. After all, it was Samantha Jones who uttered the iconic line, “I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel.” Let’s print that on a cushioned floor mat and call it a day.

On Miranda and Steve’s relationship

If Miranda had Samantha’s input in regards to her lifeless marriage to Steve and her new sexual awakening thanks to “the next Roseanne” Che Diaz, that story arc would’ve been, like, four episodes long. Not that I think Samantha would fight her on it (oh, to hear what Samantha would say about the Great Kitchen Fingering of 2021), but as someone not afraid to tell her friends hard truths, she would be able to do what Carrie and Charlotte were not and inform Miranda that she is being such a fucking dick. Have a little empathy for dear, sweet Steve! Have respect for the dessert ritual! First of all, Miranda doesn’t even try to repair things with Steve and their dormant sex life, she just gives up. Samantha, upon hearing that Miranda and Steve haven’t had sex in, again, years, would have a bevy of suggestions to attempt to reignite things, from toys to role-playing scenarios to positions. She is our resident en-sex-lopedia. Second, Samantha Jones does not mince words and doesn’t appreciate when others do: She might be the only one to really push Miranda to, you know, be completely honest with her husband. Or at the very least, she might be the one to tell her friend to stop being an asshole because that’s Brady’s job.

On Miranda following Che to Los Angeles

On one hand, Samantha is very much about following your bliss, especially sexually, as well as fixing the things in your life that make you unhappy instead of just complaining about them. On the other, Samantha is fiercely independent, and whether in love or not, she’s not about making your significant other your whole identity, which is exactly what Miranda has been doing with Che. So while Samantha might be happy to see her friend sexually fulfilled, she would have thoughts on Miranda ditching not only her husband, but her career and New York City to follow someone she barely knows, who is a “comic” with questionable comedic skills. Samantha’s dealt with a lot of fuckboys in her life, so if she heard that Che calls themself “a fucking narcissist” and in a single conversation says they love Miranda but also want nothing traditional, that they are someone who has a podcast with a “woke moment” button and gets up in arms when someone innocently interrupts their “writing time” but is down for hospital pop-ins, Samantha might be the only one willing to stand her ground in telling Miranda that it’s time to get a goddamn grip. Let’s just say that when Miranda explains that she’s dropping her prestigious human-rights internship because she’s “following her heart,” Samantha would have a lot of notes.

On Miranda falling for Che Diaz in the first place

Oh honey, a comedy concert?

What Would Samantha Jones Do?