Bachelor In Paradise
Oh. Oh Oh Oh Oh. My gals. My goddamned gals. My gal pals on the beach. You look great. Honestly, you’ve never looked better. The hair, the nails, the sponsored looks from a boutique that sells dresses in plastic sleeves with cardboard. If you’re on the beach right now, your body is banging, and you’re killing it. But I have to ask: Babies, what are you doing? You dear, sweet, stupid, beautiful babies — what on earth are you doing? None of you have to do this. Abigail, baby, what are you doing? Somehow you have managed to snag what seems to be one of the only normal guys in Paradise, even after you told him that you “friend zone” guys for eight months, and now you’re upset because it’s too easy and you’re actually attracted to him? That’s not how this is supposed to work!
Becca, you were the Bachelorette and a pretty good one! One who balanced a down-home vulnerability with big-city no-nonsense. You do not have to show up on the beach in Paradise. Just because your spring break lines up with your old high school’s Spirit Week does not mean you have to go to the pep rally! That’s not how this is supposed to work. Demi? I think you internalized the wrong message from the “Cool Girl” passage in Gone Girl. And by that, I mean you clearly were switching back and forth between Gone Girl and Wild Things on TBS late one night and got mixed up. Girl, you can’t fuck your way into a relationship. That’s not how this is supposed to work!!!!!!
But despite how profoundly the sexy li’l babies on the beach are messing this up, somehow the hunky li’l dude babies are doing worse. Everyone is having a terrible time.
Except for me. Let’s get to it.
Aaron and Thomas are still fighting. The strategy that every man has decided to take this week is “argue with another man right next to the surf, instead of actually talking to the woman they like.” Tammy apparently didn’t know that making out with another guy in Aaron’s direct eyeline would cause drama. Frankly, a naïve drama monster is the most wholesome type of drama monster. Tammy decides that she should actually talk to Aaron about making out with Thomas, and Aaron behaves as if he’s been wronged in a knightly court of honor. “Tammy! How dareth thou smooch mine mortal enemy on this palapa!” What happened in the search for Katie’s men? It’s like the show decided that Katie’s chief quality was “righteous shouting,” so they found men to match that energy. Aaron says he can’t believe Tammy would be so manipulative and dishonest and disrespect him so much. He thinks everyone on the beach is looking at him with pitying eyes. Does she even know what pity means?!?! Thomas is a bitch boy, and Tammy is irredeemable. Nothing else to talk about.
Tammy realizes that her actions have consequences and breaks down crying because she never meant to hurt anyone. Just as in any good romantic comedy, literally all of these problems could be solved if Tammy just TALKED TO AARON before she made out with Thom … oh no, she’s on top of Thomas again. Everything is fine, I guess.
So now it’s Rose Ceremony night, and Riley has written Maurissa a little rap. There’s more to this relationship than amazing abs and the Boom Boom Room. Everyone else is freaking the fuck out because the women have the roses, and the men have done … what’s less than the bare minimum? They’ve done that, and they’re going to attempt to make up for it RIGHT NOW. Chasen gives Deandra a massage and a truly bonkers necklace. That is not a necklace for a delicate, sensual woman; that is a necklace for a Bruno Mars background dancer. I’m not saying it’s better to gift a woman with whom you want to have sex a Pandora bracelet you bought in the Fort Lauderdale airport before you got on the flight to Mexico, but at least it’s appropriate for a human woman on Earth. Karl pulls Deandra aside and thinks that he’s making his last attempt at her affections and that she has been enchanted by the power of the necklace. She tells him she wants to explore other people and other options, and he responds with “That dress is fabulous.” Karl … ugh, okay. Karl decides this is Chasen’s fault for trying to one-up him because Karl giving the Florida-themed Pandora bracelet was an act of pure, genuine affection.
Karl has a feeling that he doesn’t exactly know what to do with, and he certainly hasn’t figured out his catchphrase about it yet but he’s taking this feeling to the person who made him feel it: Chasen. Karl wants to know if Chasen always hands out necklaces to people on first dates, and, girl, who cares? Do you usually give roses to the people you’re dating in formal ceremonies? Nothing here is real! That ocean is a green screen. All those crabs in the sand? They’re production interns, my guy. Chasen doesn’t really have to say anything because Karl just starts spitballing sarcastic superhero names. Deandra starts to think that maybe men … might be lying to her … to get what they want? Oh no.
Also, Tre and Tahz break up? She keeps screaming into the ocean, and he tells her he didn’t know where they stood as a couple. Instead of having one discussion about that like adults, Tre is going to leave. Tahz packs her suitcase in a sweaty, sobbing delirium.
Lance Bass arrives to deliver one more piece of information: Becca Kufrin has arrived in Paradise! This is a total surprise that hasn’t been teased in any way! Becca arrives on the beach with a rose and amazing skin. Is that snail cream? Gold face masks? She’s gotta let us know. Every man who hasn’t secured a rose suddenly has set his sights on the former Bachelorette. Ivan, James, and Karl all take Becca aside, but only Karl dares to wrench her hand into his and read her palm. This man has read too many Reddit pickup-line threads, and I need someone to take away his internet access. Aaron takes Becca aside and tells her he had a crush on her, and when Becca asks how old he is and he answers, she goes “Awww …”
It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Wells hosts the Rose Ceremony, and Lance Bass has ascended into that Guest-Host Cloud in the sky. Wells also informs everyone that Tahzjuan isn’t coming back.
Here are the roses:
Serena P.: Joe
Deandra gives her rose to Ivan because he deserves to be on the beach. Jewelry doesn’t work!
And Becca gives her rose to Aaron. He compares her to a dolphin that’s jumping in the water because (1) she’s doing what she is made to be doing (handing out roses), and (2) she’s beautiful (like a dolphin).
It’s time for the next day in Paradise, and this week the guys have the roses so new women will arrive. Aaron’s breakfast order is six scrambled eggs with ham, bacon, and onion. Gains, bro.
Demi starts this week by saying she and Kenny are horny for each other and she can’t see anything coming between them. OH BOY. We gotta talk about Demi. Someone or something has told Demi that her chief quality when it comes to men is that she’s sexually available and a naughty li’l baby. Maybe Demi told herself this. I don’t know. With the arrival of Tia, Demi starts to melt down but hides it all behind her “bad bitch” persona, yet she reveals that there’s a lot of insecurity there. She launches into a Tia hate campaign — making fun of Tia’s denim shorts, making fun of Tia dating Colton when Demi was on Colton’s season and made out with him too, and calling Tia boring and uncool. She also says, “Kenny took me [interesting interpretation of events there] to the Boom Boom Room, so he’s not interested in exploring other things.” Girl. Girl. Giiiiiiiiirl. This is some incredibly insecure 26-year-old logic. “I had sex with him, so what else should I have to do? I’m cool and sexy and fun, so of course that will ensure commitment.” GIRL.
Kenny sits Demi down to see how she would feel if Tia asked him on the date. Demi talks to him through clenched teeth this entire conversation. Instead of just saying, “Hey, man, I like you, and I think I want us to be exclusive for a while so don’t agree to the date,” Demi just says, “Well, I wouldn’t be happy, but what do you want me to say about it?” They both kinda say they like each other, but Kenny says he didn’t know they were seriously dating yet. Yeah, because neither of you talked about it, and clearly Demi thinks her vagina is so powerful that it demands commitment. Ma’am, no pussy is that powerful. I’m sorry. Demi jokes that she’s gonna kill Tia, but we all know … it’s not a joke. When Kenny finally goes on his date with Tia, Demi imagines everyone will be embarrassed for her and watch her. Because she so publicly stole Kenny away from Mari, if Kenny gets stolen from her, it means she’s a sad, unpretty, unsexy baby. I desperately wish Demi would develop a single personality trait that’s communicable on television other than “No, it’s cool. I don’t have any feelings about this situation, and I used sex appeal to get what I want without actually expressing my real desires.”
While Kenny and Tia are on another unsolicited-nudity date, which is SO UNFUNNY AND PAINFUL, Abigail decides to actually self-sabotage her relationship with Noah, just as she said she would. She says that while she’s really attracted to Noah and they have a lot of fun — like talking to each other, spending time with each other, and making out — something is missing. Abigail, I hate to break it to you, but that’s basically all the things in a successful relationship. Our brains have been addled by Sex and the City and any Channing Tatum movie where he keeps his shirt on. It’s very easy to believe that relationships should be these over-the-top, dramatic things and that there should be a constant push and pull. But that type of relationship can be almost destabilizing, and the uncertainty in a dramatic relationship can be really easily confused for passion. If Abigail isn’t feeling it, she’s not feeling it, but she admitted that she talks herself out of relationships and “friend zones” guys without being friends with them. She’s upset at Noah for not showing how he feels, but she told him she needs to take it slow; he says he’s frustrated because when he does try to show her how he feels, she doesn’t respond with any enthusiasm. Abigail sees how the other couples are all over each other, and she’s not like that with Noah so … something is wrong? She also seems a little surprised that Noah gets emotional when she tries to bring this up to him because, yeah, obviously. Noah says he doesn’t want to be friends with her, and he’s confused and doesn’t know if he missed a sign that they’re not compatible. Neither of them can say, “Yeah, I wanna try and figure out what a relationship for us looks like,” and Noah goes off to lie against some rocks and watch the waves, while Abigail goes off to cry to her friends that she might have sabotaged something that actually felt good.
But I guess it’s time for Kenny and Tia to play nude volleyball with strangers. Tia, you don’t have to justify your discomfort by using the Bible and saying your family watches the show. IT’S VERY WEIRD TO BE NUDE WHEN YOU DIDN’T EXPECT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW!!! No religious justification is needed. That’s weird for everyone. Kenny decides to get fully naked, and Tia just takes her top off because then they both have something flopping around. Equality.
Back on the beach, there’s one more entrance … Kendall.
She’s here, she still has love for Joe, and she doesn’t wanna see Joe cuddled up with another woman. Hahahaha, everyone is going to have a terrible time.
Except us, the viewers. See you next week, Paradise!