Bachelor in Paradise. You were my favorite. You were a respite from the inane tedium of the main franchise. You had it all, and you could have soared higher than the highest clou–
Oh, no … what’s happening? I’m … what’s going on here?
Eliza wishes he threw a Gaston-style fit and forbade her from going to proclaim his love. Rodney is many things, but he seems to be a reasonable man who doesn’t want to look like an asshole on TV–
Wait … I’ve done this before! Help! I’m trapped in some kind of time loop! All the drama and emotional chaos from yesterday seem to be repeating!!!
I know that on this show, the same types of stories are told over and over, but now the exact same tropes are carrying over from episode to episode. A woman insisting that her partner forbidding her from going on a date is the only way to show affection. Aaron and Genevieve having a not-great argument about their relationship. Shanae being asked on a date and feeling chemistry! I need you to get help. Find Mike Fleiss and smash the talisman he carries close to his heart. That will free me. There’s not much time! They’ve completely broken the show, they’ve completely broken the show, they’ve completely broken the show. SEND HELP!!!!!
Let’s get to it.
Everyone is gathered around the bonfire of Paradise, and in any other genre, this would be an omen of terrible things to come. And the women have the roses again?!?! Get the talisman! Andrew and Rodney spent their entire day coming up with everyone’s high-school stereotypes, and as they sit around wondering who is going to be the bad boy of the school, Hayden arrives. I DO NOT LIKE THIS MAN. In case you forgot, he’s the guy who has a dog and was mean to Gabby. Hold on, let me be more specific: He left his dog who had cancer to go on The Bachelorette and then told one Bachelorette that she was “rough around the edges” and called both of them “bitches” who didn’t compare to his ex. Yeah. He’s here now. He starts taking the women aside to ask if they want to go on the date. He tells every woman that he has a golden retriever and he’s his best friend. The more I hear about this dog, the more I think either (a) he bought the dog solely to have something to talk to women about or (b) the dog isn’t real.
Kate is the only woman who is even remotely interested in Hayden, so she agrees to go on the date. She goes to Logan to ask him “the impossible question.” The riddle as old as time, the one inscribed on the sphinx: “Do you want me to go on this date?” This question is a trap and a nightmare. I can’t believe we have to do this AGAIN, but goddamn it, a guy who tells you that you can’t make your own decisions and has to show his devotion by controlling your behavior is A BAD DUDE. THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU WANT!! If there are any children or teens reading this, any guy that shows his affection by stomping his feet and forbidding you to do things because “he loves you so much” needs to be broken up with and preemptively reported to the police. Plus, Logan has been on like 15 dates, and if Kate says no, Hayden will have to start asking the crabs on the beach.
Hayden and Kate’s date happens the next morning, and they’re going zip-lining in the jungles. Kate is really excited for this non-stop thrill ride and Hayden is not into this. There’s one zip line where you’re supposed to go upside down, and Hayden gets stuck and one of the attendants has to come push him to the end. Hayden and Kate sit down for some Champagne, and Kate asks him what his core values are. His response is “I have a golden retriever.” He also reveals that he spent over six figures on his dog’s treatment. WHAT? Kate is mildly perturbed by this but like … what? Why are you telling people this! Is this a brag? Are you looking for pity? How is your dog doing? That poor dog. Rambo doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s getting all these medical procedures and now his owner is back on a reality-TV show. If you really want to be there for your dog, maybe stay at home, my dude. Hayden also doesn’t exactly deny or explain why he compared the Bachelorettes to his ex. He says he’s a very nice guy, a super-nice guy. That’s exactly what someone would say before they ran you over with their car because you wronged them.
Now it’s time to check in with the Eliza-Rodney-Justin drama. Y’all, I don’t know how much more of this I can do. Justin and Rodney sit down and they both admit that their only focus is Eliza and they’ve got to use this week to show her how they feel. Justin is flirting his ass off and Eliza is into it. She keeps saying that Justin is being very intentional, and I’d love for anyone to define what that means. I’m asking because when Rodney sits her down to tell her that he’s interested in her and only her and that he messed up their conversation yesterday (even if he doesn’t understand what he did), that isn’t intentional. Rodney continues to be a reasonable man who only talks about how much he likes Eliza, and she’s acting like a high-school student who is trying to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. She keeps talking about how Rodney needed to cause a scene and him being pleasant and happy when she left for the date is an affront to their relationship. He also asks her where she stands and she says it’s unfair that she has to have a perfect answer when hhhhheeeee got to have the whole day to think about what to say.
Rodney, I mean this with the most love in my heart, she’s not worth it. I don’t care how fine she is. She watched too many episodes of whatever TV show imprinted in the minds of Gen Z that ruined their understanding of relationships. For people my age, we all watched episodes of Sex and the City when we were way too young and we think the episode where Berger tells the ladies, “He’s just not that into you,” is a foundational text. I just don’t know what that show is for Gen Z. It’s not like Gossip Girl, right? Do they like Girls? Whatever it is, she’s clearly not basing these expectations on any real relationship and is just repeating tropes from Twilight or some shit. “If your man isn’t willing to travel to Italy to ask the Volturi to end his life because he can’t have you, then he’s NOT. WORTH. IT.”
Also, sidenote: Is this what it’s like dating as a thin, hot, young person? You can just do and say wild stupid shit and no one stops or questions you? Because if it is, WOW.
Then she immediately goes and makes out with Justin on a daybed. PLEASE. END THIS.
The next arrivals on the beach are the twins. They’re dressed the same and they speak in unison. They have “slept in bunk beds until they were 17” energy. They’re also 24, so those days are in the recent past. Every woman is thoroughly creeped out by the twins wearing the same shirt, being so young, and being twins. They were sent home night one by Gabby and Rachel for just having terrible vibes and man, oh man, do I wish that were the case here. They ask Florence and Shanae on the date and they head to the resort for cantina games. They do a bunch of things that are gross and weird. And somehow … FLORENCE AND SHANAE ARE INTO THEM!??!?!!?!?!
Back at the beach, Genevieve is feeling like she’s falling in love with Aaron and she wants to find time to tell him but he spends his entire day crushing beers with his bros and doing laps in the pool. So while no fewer than 12 people are lying on the giant daybed in the middle of the beach — it looks like the Kylie Minogue “Slow” music video — Genevieve says that she wants ten minutes with Aaron and he positively flips the fuck out. Aaron starts ranting about how Genevieve constantly finds something wrong with him and no other girl on the beach talks to their guy like that. He says it tears him down and Genevieve does not know how the fuck the conversation ended up like this. She wants to take him aside and tell him how she’s feeling and Aaron says she never brings things to him unless she’s upset. Then he brings up Bachelor Nation’s favorite problematic behavior and accuses her of gaslighting him because she’s making him feel like he’s doing something wrong. THAT’S NOT GASLIGHTING!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Everyone on the daybed is slowly getting up and running away. He tries to say that Genevieve is raising her voice, and when she says she isn’t, he says, “If you were, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now.” GENEVIEVE. RUN. This is bad. This is really bad. This is like two fights away from punching a bathroom wall. Aaron wants sooo much credit for being “good to her” and making her feel good that it can and should override anything that Genevieve might actually want or need. He says that she’s just a bomb ready to go off about any little thing. She asks him if they can go talk somewhere and he performatively “thinks” about if it’s the right time for him to have this discussion. Genevieve heads up to the women’s room to pack up her stuff.
Let her leave. But no, Victoria sends Aaron in to stop Genevieve from leaving. He asks her if Genevieve is crazy or is she calm. Fuck off, dude. Also, Victoria (and everyone else) starts talking about how Aaron and Genevieve have this relationship where the fights are intense and the make-up sex must be even more intense. That isn’t a sexy or fun relationship. That’s a relationship where no one can emotionally regulate and no one is actually happy. In this situation, Aaron doesn’t respect Genevieve and basically thinks that all of her emotions are just “stupid girl stuff” and he just wants to have a little kiss and play football with his boys! That’s what Paradise is all about!
Genevieve has all her stuff and both her Louis Vuitton OnTheGo totes and is heading to the van when Aaron stops her. He says that when the first sign of trouble hits, she packs her bags, when all he wants is another great day in Paradise. When the worst day of his life comes, he’ll be thinking about Paradise! He says he prays she has a good life and he won’t threaten his happiness. This dude needs to STOP. Victoria and Eliza are listening in and they keep saying things like, “They wouldn’t argue like this if they didn’t care.” NO!! THAT’S BAD!! PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER FIND A WAY TO SOLVE AGREEMENTS WITHOUT RESORTING TO PASSIVE AGGRESSION OR JUST STRAIGHT-UP AGGRESSION!!!!!
Genevieve says that she wanted that time to tell Aaron that she’s falling in love with him and she didn’t like the way he was talking to her. Yeah! It was terrible! She shouldn’t like it!! He says it’s scary and the things she does can hurt him … but he’s falling in love with her too! This isn’t Carrie and Big. This is the second act of a Lifetime movie. Victoria laughs, “Sometimes you just gotta threaten to leave!” Everyone knows the only way to get what you want from your relationship is to threaten a breakup and leave in a huff with all your things! HAHAHAHA HILARIOUS! Love means never having to say “gaslighting!”
Finally, a brief programming note: For the final weeks of Paradise, we’ll be switching to once-a-week mega-recaps because our time on this earth is fleeting and if we let them, production would add 15 more weeks of this show!!!!! See you next week!
