Eyes darting back and forth … breath catching in your throat … your pulse getting faster and faster … There’s something coming … something terrible, something horrible, something terrifying … Look out, it’s right behind you!
It’s the end of Paradise!!!
That’s right, after 15 and one-quarter years, Paradise is finally coming to an end; after this week, there are only two episodes left. So now is that amazing time in a summer of fun and romance when we overthink every single glance and word your partner utters. It’s that magical time when arriving at a beautiful, sexy resort means asking nine people on a date and getting nine noes. It’s that special time when you get into a fight at a dance dressed like a seventh-grader from the late ’90s. In chronological time, we’re in the year 2022. In emotional and fashion time, it’s 2002, and everyone is suffering. (Also 75 percent of the looks at that ’90s dance were actually just Y2K nonsense. I was there. I lived through it. There was not enough dusty-denim patchwork and peace-sign frogs. I didn’t see a single name written on a grain of rice floating in a pendant.)
In these final moments of paradise, everyone is either keeping their head down and trying to get through it as emotionally unscathed, or destroying as many relationships as possible on their way out. Let’s see how everyone is holding up. It’s a double recap, y’all — let’s get into it!
Do I no longer have any concept of time or is it still the morning that Rodney left? Everyone is completely devastated, but Andrew is devastated. Were Rodney and Andrew that close? They’re apparently best friends, and now Andrew is questioning his entire worldview. How can he or anyone else go on? Aaron is asking himself, “What hope do I have?” None. Oh, I’m sorry, did I answer that too fast? Brandon is spending the morning staring into the ocean crying. If you must be destroyed by the annihilation of love around you, what better way to spend your time than crying and staring at the ocean? The infinite unknown of the murky depths perfectly matches the feeling of seeing a guy who dated the same woman as you being sent home because the 26-year-old sexy-baby influencer he was dating wanted to date a guy who is mostly known for his memeable faces. When Heathcliff stared out across the moors, he was going through the exact same thing.
First, we’ve got to deal with Justin and Eliza. Oof. Just … oof. You can see on Eliza’s face that she definitely thought this would work out differently. These are the life choices of someone whose brain has been completely addled by romantic comedies. And Justin’s are the life choices of someone who just woke up from a nap. Our boy is sleepy and not ready to deal with all this. Eliza says she immediately knew she wanted to go after Justin, and she picked Rodney because of the pressure. Justin says that’s all well and good, but he wants someone who will choose him without hesitation. He also hasn’t even unpacked yet. Justin says he’s going to choose himself. Justin is on his “wellness girlie going through a breakup” journey. He’s going to live, he’s going to laugh, and by God, he’s going to love … himself.
Eliza does not like this development. She says she flew across the country, so that should count for something! She said “sorry,” c’mon! Date her!!! Ah, to be young and beautiful and think any effort on your part means the other person will fall over themselves because you used your SkyMiles. I’m sure we’ll hear a lot more about this nonsense at the reunion.
Okay, before we go further — y’all, the commentary outside the season has absolutely dominated the conversation. My Instagram Explore page is just tweets from Bachelor Nation contestants being fucking pissed off at the production and editing this season, and my TikTok For You page is just floating heads reading Reality Steve tweets about who was spotted with whom and what went down during the reunion. It’s making it really hard to watch this season when we already know who has broken up and who has been DM’ing each other and who has committed the mortal sin of trying to arrange a booty call. The stakes have been obliterated! Nothing matters! Life is meaningless!
There are also a couple of late arrivals this episode. Mara is the first to arrive on the beach in the middle of Rodney’s wake. She’s coming in with an energy that can only be described as “unintentionally inappropriate.” Also … why are women always the last arrivals on the beach? There are already more women who are loosely attached than men at this point. Send in some hot dudes and shake this thing up. Send a sentient LinkedIn profile in there and ruin Kate’s life. Mara ends up selecting one of the twins to take on this date because they’re both Capricorns. They get sent on another food-fetish date, and I need the freak in production to show themselves.
There is a case to be made that Logan is the main character of Paradise, the tense emotional drama directed by Noah Baumbach. Kate is testing him with her corporate-management style. She would like to continue to see growth despite good profits in Q3. In this partnership, Logan really needs to trim the fat and leverage his assets to get some returns before this merger is complete. Logan’s argument comes down to “Could you just be nice to me? A little bit? I’m trying so hard, and I’m so tired.” Logan sees every time he verbally reassures Kate and spends time with her as steps forward in the relationship, and Kate would like to know that Logan will no longer be poor and have a shitty car. Kate accuses Logan of “harboring resentment” about her date with Hayden when she’s absolutely the person harboring resentment about the fact that Logan told her to go on the date with Hayden. Kate also has the audacity to say, “Name a time when I was critical.” Ma’am, you were workshopping a tight five about Logan’s faults! Again, these are two people who just shouldn’t be together, and if they are, Kate needs to have zero expectations. When asked to list Logan’s qualities, she starts with “He’s tall and hot.” Which, for some relationships, that’s enough, but you gotta be very clear what that relationship is.
Andrew is the secondary character in these episodes, and he’s just in a weird mood since his main man self-eliminated. There is no joy in his life, food turns to ash in his mouth, the touch of a loved one feels like — oh, shit, is that Ency and Lyndsay? Lyndsay takes Logan aside and says she’s one of Kate’s good friends, and Logan subtly reveals that Lyndsay might have been someone he wanted to meet, but he’s trying to appease Kate’s performance-improvement plan, so he’s going to say no. Lyndsay immediately self-eliminates because no one else is willing to go on the date with her. Stop bringing people in this late in the game! This is not entertaining!
Andrew goes on the date with Ency and claims this is the first time in hours that he’s felt energized and intrigued by a woman on the beach. Jessenia is distraught that Andrew is going on the date with Ency, and Jessenia, after all the nonsense last season and the fact that you were brought in as part of Temptation Paradise, you need to fucking chill. Andrew and Ency are slurping down oysters and making out in the pool. He’s no longer thinking about you, and I suggest you try to snag a twin if you want to stick around. After the date, Andrew tells Jessenia that he needs a fresh start and that he’s got to explore this relationship with Ency.
Alert! Alert! Newly engaged and happy bachelorettes on the beach! This is before the failures of their fiancés have let them down. Gabby and Rachel are on the beach, and they’re here to dish. Pardon my French, but Logan is absolutely shitting his pants. Gabby and Rachel confirm Tyler is a great guy, they acknowledge Johnny’s existence, and they read Kate a list of Logan’s flaws. They say they have no respect for Logan, which is a lot. Do I think Logan acted incredibly stupid on their season and almost everything else they said about him (wanted to be in control, indecisive, handled the flip-flop in the worst way possible) is true? Yes. But “I have no respect for him and I don’t think he’s changed”? He didn’t commit bank fraud and is now trying to peddle his cryptocurrency. Can’t wait to see how Kate uses this as a pretext to deny Logan a loan.
There’s a little bit of business before we get to ’90s prom and the fallout, so in the interest of time, we’re gonna skip Brittany and Tyler’s date, but I’m just going to leave you with the thought that Tyler is Jersey Shore Taylor Lautner, and that’s all I can see now.
We do absolutely need to talk about Genevieve and Aaron’s fight. Everyone keeps reducing their fight to “arguing about the difference between itching and pain,” but the fight is really about Aaron trying to tell her that feeling impatient and feeling stressed are the same thing and that she shouldn’t really feel the way she’s feeling. Aaron routinely dismisses or mansplains Genevieve’s emotions to her, and he doubles down over and over again when Genevieve tries to clarify how she’s feeling. Sure, the argument became about itching versus pain, but it started with Aaron saying, “Same thing. Might as well be” about Genevieve’s emotions and what she was telling him. And when Aaron gets confronted about his bullshit, he starts repeating, “I was trying to make you feel good! I was trying to help!” and scolds her for raising her voice when his big ass is yelling. Aaron is so invested in his own self-image as a “good guy” who is just having fun with his bros that any time his partner confronts him, his intentions and his self-image are more important than her feelings. It drives Genevieve to wanting to leave, and that seems as if it’s the only way for her to get control of the situation. It’s an immature, volatile way to get control, but she’s just trying to remove herself from the situation and draw a boundary. And everyone else laughing on the beach about how stupid their arguments are and how they fight and make up is just “their thing” is probably going to make it harder for Genevieve (or someone else in Genevieve’s situation) to get out of this clearly bad relationship! Please, somebody free her!
Let’s get to the big setpiece of the episode — the Sadie Hawkins dance! Becca and Thomas, Bachelor in Paradise royalty and two certified cuties, head back to the beach to talk about how Becca proposed to Thomas, and so the women will be asking the guys to the ’90s Sadie Hawkins dance! Michael says he was in high school in 1998, and after hearing that information, I think he needs to leave. All the ladies come up with some goofy gimmick to ask their guys, and we’re off to the dance! Everyone wants tonight to be a fun time with no drama, and somewhere, the Greek god of foolishness and mistakes laughs at them.
The main drama at the dance is manufactured solely by Jessenia. She decides she’s frustrated with Andrew for “the whole situation” in which he told her he was going to explore a relationship with Ency and he needed a fresh start. Instead of just saying, “That hurt my feelings and pissed me off,” she decides to slander Andrew’s reputation? “You need to consider the track records. You get to a point where it’s not enough to commit or really explore something.” Girl, how is that your problem? The second you realize a guy can’t commit, run. Don’t stand there asking him to solve an ethics word problem about his relationship history that has nothing to do with you. She says he just skirted by Paradise, and he should be worried about his reputation. Maybe it’s because we’re four hours into this week and we’ve got at least four hours left in this season, but … fuck off? Andrew has the only reasonable response: “That’s how this is supposed to work!” He says he wasn’t feeling great and wanted to leave, and Ency’s arrival made him feel better, so he was going to explore that. He finally reveals he never got over Teddi and probably should have left earlier, but Jessenia didn’t know that going into this conversation, and that’s clearly not what she was trying to get out of this. She was just trying to make him feel bad for not choosing her.
Ency comes over a couple of times, and Andrew says he wants to just finish the conversation, which is reasonable even if this conversation is completely unnecessary. Ency has a complete meltdown and gives Andrew, a man she’s known less than 36 hours, an ultimatum that if he doesn’t leave the conversation, it’s over between them. Bitch, no! What are you doing? Stop! Please!
Then, when Andrew gets frustrated and doesn’t leave the conversation, Ency has an even bigger meltdown. Andrew wants to leave because fuck all this. Ency then begs — literally begs — Andrew, a man she’s known less than 24 hours, to stay. She just keeps repeating, “Andrew. Please. Please. Andrew. Andrew. Please.” Andrew keeps telling her, “Dude, let me go.” Girl, stand up! We can all see you! He just called you “dude”! Stand up!
There isn’t a superlative for the most embarrassing exit in Paradise, but I think Ency just clinched it.
Uh … see everyone next week for the finale and reunion????
