Below Deck Mediterranean
Just 44 minutes stand between us and leaving this cursed season of reality television behind. Let’s get this over with.
It’s morning on the last day of charter, and Rob is fighting with Jess. But what else is new? The guests put in the most difficult breakfast order I’ve heard this season, and it takes Tom a while to prepare, leaving Zaida to sit without her egg-white omelet while her friends eat their eggs Benedict and shakshuka. But it all turned out to be okay, as some of the guests stopped by the galley to thank Tom, and Hannah had him draw a little chef on her cast. Rob, meanwhile, is avoiding Jess in the galley, so maybe everything isn’t okay. Outside, things are worse, because there’s a groundline sitting 20 feet off from this sailboat as Sandy is trying to dock. She’s worried that she could hit it and hurt both of their boats, but like every other boat-related issue this season, it turns out to be nothing.
The guests have left, and everyone on the crew is more excited than they’ve been this whole season. And their happiness is contagious — I’m excited for this to be over too! For a second, it brings back memories of ending a summer of camp staff or lifeguarding when I was in high school, except those jobs were less toxic and less boring than this season aboard the Wellington. At least the crew will have something to show for it: $14,292 in total tips over the season, for the few who were lucky enough to see the whole thing out. Sandy compliments her crew for rising above the drama and firings (hmm, wonder who did that?), and it sounds like she’s going to cry again. She’s also made little certificates for her crew members and rated them on the Beaufort Wind Scale, because of course she has. Aesha is just chuffed that interior finally got some praise from Captain Sandy, and Jess goes up to Sandy’s office later, teary, because she’s not being called an idiot. As over Sandy’s antics as I am after this season, this is all kind of sweet. But only kind of!
Before the crew can go to their customary end-of-season dinner with Sandy, they have to clean the boat one more time. While they’re working, Malia asks Rob if he still has a girlfriend, to which he replies he doesn’t know. “Have you even had a night out that doesn’t end in fighting yet?” she goes on. “Um, no,” Rob replies. The deck crew also finds some shoes that one of the guests left behind? Then Sandy is putting on her leather jacket, and you know we’re about to go out. But not before Rob and Jess argue in their cabin, as Rob tries not to tell Jess that he’s going on the crossing. Jess tells Rob, “Let’s just be single tonight,” and Rob, for his part, does not seem to mind that arrangement.
Jess, meanwhile, is already in a mood on the ride over, in a separate car from Rob. She’s saying she just wanted to have a fun night, but now she can’t because of Rob (who, in his car, isn’t bothered). The best part of the crew’s dinner together is Aesha’s total amazement at the restaurant, the food, and the flamenco dancers (whom she, Bugsy, and Alex dance with too!). The second best part is that the dancers keep Sandy from making the crew say their highs and lows of the season — although, I know Sandy was part of many of those lows, and I do wish she got to hear about that.
But enough about Sandy, because she has left and we’re going clubbing. Well, most of the crew is, but what Rob and Jess are doing doesn’t deserve to be called clubbing. Jess confronts Rob about how he “cold-shouldered” her, and he reminds her that she said they’re single tonight, so that’s what he’s doing. He adds that no matter what he does, Jess will always say it’s his fault, and well … is he wrong? While the rest of the crew is popping Champagne and hugging, Jess is telling Rob that she hopes he’s fucking happy, and Rob is saying that he is. Good for him! After he tells her that he’s not going to Bali, and Jess says she knew he didn’t want to go, Jess leaves to go to the bathroom.
Bugsy goes to check on her, but we don’t really find out how she’s doing because a fire dancer comes over to the rest of the crew. And Aesha is living! What a treat she’s been for these last two episodes. Then we’re on the dance floor, where Alex and Bugsy are agreeing that they “love what we have.” Good for them, too! Then, the charter guests are at the club too, for some reason. Boo! Rob starts chatting up Hannah, which bothers Jess, even though they are “single tonight”! Plus, as Malia reminds Jess, Hannah is married. (Hannah is married??) That doesn’t stop Jess from flicking a cigarette at them. But before we know it, the guests have left the club, and the crew is leaving too.
On the way home, Jess is crying, proving that no, she couldn’t have a fun night out. “Clearly, motherfucker, you have your own demons to work out. And you’ve damaged me along the way, and it’s unfortunate,” she says. And I don’t quite know what in particular she’s referring to with Rob? Meanwhile, he’s in the other car, where Alex is going on with one of his drunk speeches about how he knows what he wants and deserves it. But then Rob is crying on the dock? And Malia is trying to explain to him how boatmances go and kind of advocating for Jess?
Here’s where I have to interject and remind you that I absolutely could not be bothered to care about these people and their lives anymore. At all! Jess and Rob can cry and say all their empty relationship words, but why am I supposed to be invested in what the hell they’re doing? They came onto this yacht to do jobs, and maybe I’d be invested in their side-relationship thing if they were more interesting people, but they’re shallow and boring! But without Hannah and Kiko and even Lara (remember Lara?), this is all the drama that’s left on this fucking boat.
In the morning, Rob tells Jess he’s going on the crossing, and Jess sobs and pleads and does her thing. One standout line from Rob: “To feel, it’s a gift.” This guy is such a parody! Then Jess asks for a hug and says some things and, I guess they’re better? After all those fricking fights? I’m sorry, I could not follow what happened with Jess and Rob there.
And then, we’re saying our good-byes. Alex leaves, feeling confident that he can be a deckhand on a big boat, as he should! Bring him back next season! (And only him!) Then, Jess and Rob leave together, somehow, and then the producers tell us they off and went to Bali! What a mess that trip must have been, and regrets to first mate David, whom Rob bailed on for that crossing. Next, Aesha leaves the Wellington and her yachting career behind, and I’m sad that she’s closed the door on another season! Although I hope she’s enjoying life back in New Zealand. So we’re left with the most boring group of department heads possible, largely because it’s a group missing one Hannah Ferrier. Bugsy is off shortly after, and she sees a baby goat on the dock on her way off for some reason? Malia and Tom are the last to leave, and we all know by now how that turned out. (It does sound like Malia might be back with Sandy for season six, as she spent September quarantining ahead of a new gig. Let’s hope it’s not this one.) Then Sandy gives a speech about how difficult this season was, but do you really want to hear about that? We all know how difficult this season was, both for the crew and for us as viewers, who endured unnecessary shake-ups and boring cast members alike. But after dragging on for weeks and weeks, it’s over. Can we get a round of shots over here, please?
• Tom: “Saying that you’re going to quit or ‘I’m ready to walk off the boat,’ psychologically you’re taking control — you’re not. People say, ‘I don’t need this goddamn job,’ well, yeah, you do, ’cause you got a mortgage and 12 cats.” How many cats?
• I do admire Zaida for sneaking into the bridge to snap some photos before leaving. I also admire her for telling Rob at the club that she left her shoes onboard. (And I know she never got them back.)
• Who farted in the elevator on the way out of the restaurant? Alex? Bugsy? No, it was Malia, of course.
• Some highlights from the “where are they now?” reel at the end of the episode: Aesha is making human pyramids with family and friends in New Zealand; Bugsy is once again a chief stew in the Bahamas; Jess finally got to be a second on a private boat in the Hamptons; Tom is back to cooking on huge boats (75 meters!); Kiko is back to cooking on a private boat; and Hannah is, as we know, expecting her first child! I can’t help but wonder what Pete’s up to just a little, and I wish Lara all the best.