The end is in sight! Some 18 episodes later, we are finally on our last charter. Does anyone else feel like this season could have shaved off at least two episodes’ worth of footage? A total of 19 episodes feels excessive, especially for a slog of a season. I would like to have a word with the producers!
There was one incident in particular on this charter that stunned me more than this season’s episode count. How NFL players Dominique Easley and Jordan Reed know the primary guests, or how anyone on this trip knows each other, remains a mystery to me, but an even bigger mystery? Why does Jordan wear his allegedly six-figure chain while tubing in the Mediterranean?
It starts out innocent enough, with Storm towing Jordan around on the back of a Jet Ski, making jerky turns and giving the football player the time of his life. In fact, Jordan looks like he’s having so much fun in the sun that Dominique wants a turn. While back onboard, Jordan realizes he lost his chain in the water. I hate to victim blame, but why the hell would you wear a chain that costs hundreds of thousands of dollars while doing water sports in open water? Dominique asks this same question, which endears me to him despite his pancake predicament (more on this later). Jordan is determined to get someone to deep-water dive and find his chain, which has definitely started inching its way across the ocean floor toward Tunisia or perhaps Greece! He asks Courtney if there are any opportunities to dive. She takes this request, and the context surrounding it, to Captain Sandy, who asks if Jordan has insurance. I am obsessed with Captain Sandy this season. The necklace is long gone, and the only course of action at this point is to file a claim for the six-figure chain.
To Dominique and his pancake request, all I say is: Be serious. You’re on a megayacht with a culinary superstar and you want pancakes multiple times for multiple meals? This isn’t IHOP! Also, American breakfast food is a flop anywhere other than America. It gets lost in translation, as evidenced by Dave making crêpes at first and seemingly sucky pancakes next in the preview. Who knew the semantics of pancakes would cause such a stir? On one hand, at least Dominique knows he’s difficult. On the other, only a child — or Eloise at the Plaza — would proclaim, “I’m not eating that shit!” when served with a plate of fresh crêpes from a personal chef.
Neither Dominique nor Jordan have anything on the freak that is Tyler, whose party trick is snorting a cooked spaghetti noodle up his nostril and feeding it through his throat before pulling it out of his mouth. It’s exactly as disgusting as it sounds, and of course Storm and Dave tried it too.
The new girl, Ellie, is good! She can speak six (almost seven) languages, and she graduated with a degree in English and Russian literature. I wonder what the Natasha-Natalya dynamic would have looked like if Ellie had been onboard from the beginning. Tash even admits that Kyle’s absence is doing wonders for her and Natalya’s relationship, which duh. Kyle’s emotional-support stew status only worsened Tash’s dependency issues, and his presence made it impossible for her to seek out other connections. I don’t know if Tash has said more than two words to Mzi or Courtney, for example, throughout the entire season. She and Kyle lived together, worked together, and bitched together. She had no room for anyone else, even her other teammate, Natalya.
But back to Ellie. I admit it: I was a little judgmental of our new stew when I saw her step aboard with stilettos on. I have nothing against stilettos, but they just don’t seem to have a place on deck. Then the poor girl couldn’t get the ironing board open and smacked right into the sliding glass door, like a bird flying into a window, in front of all the guests no less. Needless to say, I was worried. Luckily this seems to be a cut-and-dry case of a learning curve. By the end of the episode she’s up to snuff and even earns Natalya’s stamp of approval. Her story that she relays to Captain Sandy of the time she was trapped at sea in Norway and needed to be rescued via helicopter shook me. And she’s back on a boat after that? You couldn’t pay me! But in the end, I know she’s a girl who gets it because she loans out a Playboy Bunny costume to Courtney despite barely knowing her. Benevolent behavior!
And, of course, would this even be a recap if we didn’t discuss the Dave-Tasha-unnamed-ex triangle? Poor Dave is in a dark place if he’s texting Kyle of all people that he’s heartbroken and feels robbed and gutted. I urge Dave to reach out to a third party. This isn’t even smart because Kyle does not approve of you and will simply feed Natasha more evidence that you’re unhinged, Dave! Not that Tasha is entirely hinged either! Again, with this couple, there are no winners. (Side note: I am dying to know what he posted for Mental Health Day, but alas, I could find zero evidence of any post after scrolling back over 200 weeks.)
Natasha’s ex-boyfriend direct messaging Dave is too much. And at first Dave handles it maturely and responsibly. He doesn’t want Natasha to take any action, but simply wants her to be aware of the texts he’s receiving. I am proud of Dave! And then … and then he has to go ahead and say he’s never been aggressive toward Natasha! Babe, we have the footage. Natasha has to laugh.
We may be home, but this is not where the heart is, I’ll tell you that.
From the Galley
• I am obsessed with Courtney and her lack of football knowledge. When she says, “The only thing I know about American football is that they say ’32 … hut,’” I say, babe, that’s all you need to know.
• Reid saying he’s known as being flirty is laughable to me.
