I want to clarify some things, dear readers. For the record, I like Storm. A lot. I think he’s reasonable, methodical, and knowledgeable. Last week, I wrote about how he fumbled the bag after his date with Natalya by turning drinks and dancing into a vent session. If he overanalyzes on a regular night out, no problem. It’s impossible to flip a switch and go from work to play, especially when your work is all consuming. But … it’s how he ended the date. I appreciate Natalya confronting Storm about it the next day instead of ignoring it altogether, but my inner Orna Guralnik thinks this signifies a major personality difference. Natalya can’t do “seriousness” when she’s out, she claims. That’s fine! But maybe Storm is someone who can — and wants to. Neither of those approaches is right, and neither is wrong, but simply different. My homework for this couple is to discuss their going-out styles. I’d like both to draft up their perfect night out and compare notes.
Now let’s talk about Jason, who has a serious attitude problem no matter which way you cut it. Oftentimes when there’s a feud, it’s easy for viewers to split down the middle. Team This Person versus Team That Person. But rarely is there a feud that is so cut and dried, so one-sided, that there’s only one reasonable person to support. To choose the opponent would be signifying your own delusion. Jason is an ass. He is arrogant and rude and stubborn. I want Jason to get fired — and fast. I can’t put up with him anymore. The fact that we all collectively lost minutes of our lives due to Jason arguing with Storm about bowlines is embarrassing. If I hear him punctuate one more sentence with a passive-aggressive “dude” or “man,” I’ll throw myself overboard. Let’s count the ways in which he fucked up this week, shall we?
(1) Telling Storm, his boss, to do less (and not in a fun way)
(2) Telling Storm, his boss, to fuck off
(3) Ignoring Storm, his boss, and quite literally swimming away from him when asked to tie another rope to the water trampoline
At least Courtney gets it. Tattoo what she said in her confessional on my forehead: “Sometimes you don’t want to do shit, but you do it. Because it’s your fucking job.”
And still Storm is embodying an empathetic and effective leader by trying to figure out what Jason is passionate about doing so he can encourage Jason to take on those tasks … his mind.
I’m still bored by Tash and Dave, but I guess it’s time to talk about this wine-pairing disaster, which was entirely Tash’s fault. I like Tash and feel for her. I think she has a lot of insecurities and is easily taken advantage of by men. That being said … this wine-pairing situation was avoidable, but her ego clung to the idea at the cost of ruining dinner. As Kyle says about the pairing, it’s a nice idea but had shit-ass planning. Hours before service starts, she and Dave discuss the menu. Dave says the meal will be a buffet — nothing coursed out. Tash seems to hear this. She even seems to adjust some of her plans, toying with the idea of doing a shot pairing (which, for the record, I think this group would have loved) with a few of the entrées instead of a full glass of wine. Then, at dinner, she’s full steam ahead on wine pairing. She acts confused when Dave reminds her it’s family style and “innocently” asks him if he can change it up. Even Kyle hints to Tash at the start of service that this idea is half-baked. Tash doubles down on her idea, boasting to Dave that the guests love it (even though, as the guests joke, they can’t taste the difference between wines). Dave, to his credit, takes this massive change with stride. A lot of his food is fucked up now, but he goes along with it because if Tash promised the guests a wine pairing, a wine pairing he’ll deliver. Even Kyle urges Tash to throw in the towel, and yet …
I have no idea how our exes will fare for the rest of the season. I laughed out loud when Tash tells Dave that it’s not like she’s been ignoring him — because yes, you have been, girl! Which is fine! Ignore whoever is causing you grief! But don’t lie about it. This exchange grows a little heated when Captain Sandy walks in. She asks if she should leave the room (which LOL) before Tash says she is actually trying to speak to Dave about work but he isn’t communicating with her. Sandy solves the problem swiftly and closes that loop … for now.
Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Kyle and Frank. I’m sorry, I want this to happen so badly. I don’t want Kyle to get in trouble, of course not, but I’m desperate for some joy! For some fun! For some flirting! For Frank to normally call Kyle “Steward” but tonight call him “Daddy”! I want to give Kyle an award for this one line: “I’ve got the best plan for us this whole trip … Let’s be sluts!” Even the primary guest’s sister, Jennifer, agrees. She says that Kyle and Frank will be boyfriends and that she will marry them. To that, I say, “Absolutely”!
Kyle is aware of his precarious position. He jokes that he’s already packing his bags because Tash could very well fire him after this charter, and he admits to the producer that he knows he’s toeing the line of unprofessionalism. But he’s giddy! He has a crush! And like any of us with a crush, he doesn’t care about the rules! At the same time, we know Kyle is a rule-follower. I love how he clarifies he’s drinking a Red Bull when he sits down with the guests during his break. Tash says she’s going to allow Kyle to flirt with Frank, which, you have no true say in, but sure. Claim that false sense of control! Meanwhile, I’ll be forever thinking about Kyle’s remarks about pancake-nipple Frank. “Areolas the size of earthquake holes” should and will go down in history.
From the Galley
• Courtney stays steering the tender to victory.
• Captain Sandy pointing out anchor-dragging to Storm triggered my PTSD from the last season of Below Deck Sailing Yacht. Anyone else?